All the emotions today.

Thank you, that means a lot to me. My mom was a nurse for 40 years so much like yours, hearing her cry is rare.

She was doing better when I talked to them last night, but I will be glad to be there and help any way I can.

 

Moments of clarity always seem to hit me the hardest when I face a long car ride.

I have been away from home, in another state, since Thursday morning and have yet to speak to my partner. And that's when it hits me. Our home is no longer my home. The relationship we had is uttering its death kneel.

Taking care of my mom these past few days has allowed me the space to reflect. The space to realize that my priorities had shifted to far from what I ever should have allowed. The mental clarity to realize that loving someone and being in love are separate emotions. The space to understand that my happiness is important. I am important. And I no longer need to feel otherwise.

I am beginning to see a faint glimmer of happiness in my eyes. A slight smile on my face. And ever so slowly recognizing the new, stronger me I see each morning in the mirror.

I can no longer allow myself to be made to feel guilty for my choices. I will no longer allow myself to change to make the relationship fit my needs. To not be weird, when all I want is to be me.

The silence on the other end tells me that he feels the same. We have tried to save what we had. We have fought and cried, but in the end our desire for peace and happiness will prevail. It will hurt and healing will take time, but we cannot reach the next step without making this move.

It is time. And I am scared. Worried that I am making the wrong decision when in my heart I know this is what must be done. I am finding my peace.

 

I have to give my therapist major credit for this one! Unfortunately, she isn't an alchemist, but she is a wonderful person. She told me to imagine my guilt as luggage that needs to be checked at the airport. How much am I willing to travel with at all times? The ultimate goal is to get to one bag. It's a little silly, but by God it has been the best metaphor I have had yet to help with my never-ending guilt.

 

Once again, thank you everyone for all of your support. Last night was shit. I don't think either one of us has stopped crying for more than five minutes, each longing to touch the other for support but knowing that is no longer the right choice. We spent most of the night talking. Bearing our souls in a way we have never truly allowed ourselves before.

The emotions are raw. The hurt continues to cut deeper than I ever imagined possible. Today we find ourselves wondering if this is the right decision. If we both stay committed to making this work, can we truly end this nightmare. If we give this one last shot, can we change for each other. It really really sucks. Trying to make sense of everything we feel after ten years together while also recognizing that what we want and what we need might not be the same thing is gut wrenching.

I tell you all of this not because it is easy or because I want to share my most intimate moments with strangers. I tell you this not because I have the answers or will ever pretend to know the right decisions to make. I tell you this simply because there are so many of us facing these choices and I want you all to know that you are not alone. I am not alone. I will probably never meet any of you, but we all share something that is bigger than all of us. Today know that the journey is not without pain or heartache, indecision or missteps, but it is a journey we are on together and that is giving me strength.

 

Can I reciprocate the hugs by replying?

Thank you! And it is scary as hell, but what is a life if not lived to it's full potential. My peace in the mountains continues to call my soul and I need to hang on to that during these moments.

 

Well, the time has come. I have found an apartment and will be moving out of my house this weekend. And everyday it becomes more real. Little things trigger me now- this morning it was taking out the trash for the last time; yesterday it was driving down our gravel road and seeing our house in the distance. Little things that have become such a normal part of my routine. Such a part of my comfort zone.

But we cannot move forward if we handcuff ourselves to the past. To the memories of what once was, but can no longer be. I am moving out to find myself. To assure myself that I am not crazy or having some life altering crisis that if given enough time would pass and I would heal. I am moving out so that I can move forward.

This year has been such a blur of emotions and turmoil. Tears and anger. Regrets and promises. I still feel guilty for hurting someone that I care about so deeply, but I am learning that in time this is what needed to happen. I need to find me, the real me, that I have been running from for so long. And in time, I hope that he can forgive me and come to understand that I could never truly be at peace any other way.

There are new struggles to face now. The challenges of explaining to friends and relatives that we are separating. Learning to politely tell people just enough to tame their curiosity, without telling them information I do not want to divulge. So much of this struggle has been hidden that everyone assumes I am making some rash decision. They have not seen the tears and the pain. Have not had to deal with the darkness that has brought me to this point. They do not know my full story- and until the time is right they never will. I am no longer ashamed to be who I am. I am me. I am NeonSocks. I am a here. And today, I am making my stand to allow that to be enough.

 

@junebug99 thank you!!

And I joked with @silverhalo yesterday that now we need to start the "decorate NeonSocks apartment" thread. It's not much but should any of you ever find yourselves in Iowa, I will have drinks in the fridge waiting.