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I guess I'm back around the corner

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. Moonsparkle

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    I know! Come on @RJay, please remember that not all of us live such exciting lives with drinks and dancing at Stonewall and real actual true life dates! We need your updates! :slight_smile:

    PS: to those of you who highly recommended GYPSY=Thank you for prompting me to watch. I just finished it. OMG. WOW.

    (And Naomi Watts....badass idol.)
     
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  2. RJay

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    Good morning, fans. Lol.

    So I'll tell you what happened. In the days after last Friday's events, J was texting me rather incessantly and in such an intense way that I could see she was getting totally invested in the idea that we were going to have a "relationship". Frankly, though I was flattered, it was really overwhelming and scary. It made me realize that I am emotionally not ready at all to get into something really serious. It also made me see how easy it would be to get all wrapped up and lose myself in someone else's needs.

    So... I did meet up with J yesterday. She could tell by how restrained I was in our communication that I was feeling doubtful, so right off the bat when we saw each other, she said, "hey I can tell you are probably feeling overwhelmed, so please know that you'll get no pressure from me." I thanked her and told her that yes, I was feeling a bit nervous and unsure.

    We had a great time talking and walking through Central Park, then had dinner, and I walked her to the train station. We talked about our lives, our histories, our process of coming out, etc. Just a really honest, open conversation. She said she is not the type to casually date and is looking for a new relationship that would be serious and committed right off the bat. I told her I'm just not there. We agreed that we have chemistry and attraction but are just in different places mentally. So we parted as friends with the intention of staying in touch.

    First gay date is in the books. Phew.
     
  3. silverhalo

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    Give that box a really big tick.

    I think this is actually a massive milestone for you RJay and not just because it was your first gay date but for once you looked at it objectively, thought about what it was you wanted and needed from the situation and put that on the table. That's massive. As you say it would be easy to be flattered by the interest (although it sounds like you won't be short of that) and run full pelt into a serious relationship. Sounds like J could be a great friend. Here is to the first of lots of successful gay dates .
     
  4. RJay

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    Thank you! Yes I'm quite proud of myself. For a change, I'm thinking about my own needs -- my own mental health -- and not just going with the path of least resistance. For someone who grew up with a narcissistic, controlling mother and then spent 19 years with a narcissistic, controlling partner, it is indeed a massive step.
     
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  5. Lia444

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    Have you also seen?
    Orange is the new black
    Orphan black
    Sense8
    You me her
     
  6. junebug99

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    Orange is the New black! One of my favorites. I read the book too. Not like the show at all really.
     
  7. junebug99

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    Good for you! I'm glad that you're taking things slow and examining want you really want. No need to rush especially with matters of the heart.
     
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  8. Moonsparkle

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    This is huge! Huge. As we have discussed I know our tendency (and maybe many of us here) in our relationships. Something like: 'Bumble along, let other people rule us with their priorities because we didn't realize we could have our own etc. etc.' Seeing the honest and direct conversation you had with J truly brings a smile to my face. You made YOU number one (as it should be!) expressed yourself and all ended well anyway.

    I think this is a healthy place to be (I'm at this place too.) I would have been very overwhelmed with too much too soon.

    Another step along your journey...complete! I do think a book needs to be written based on all your posts and how far you have come. Acknowledgements of course to your wing girls. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Moonsparkle

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    I saw the first and the last. I will check out the middle two for sure!
     
  10. Mabel

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    Wow, you are learning so much about yourself! I love how you are approaching things in such a healthy realistic way. I think the group you joined will be good too, such a good way to find some empathy and just work through things with like minded people. I've been looking for a group like that around here, with no luck at all....

    Good for you RJay :slight_smile:
     
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  11. beenthrdonetht

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    A nice person liked you... and treated you well! May it happen again. And again. Etc.

    Of course, you treated her pretty well last week. Wouldn't anyone get a little overeager after that? :slight_smile:
     
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  12. RJay

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    Haha. She has gone on and ON about my abilities.
     
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  13. dreamingfreely

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    Going into full on dating seemed kind of rushed to me too. Maybe a couple dates first lol.
     
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  14. YeahpIdk

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    @RJay this is a great, really important first step. I'm proud of you!

    Compliments on your self awareness. So many people lack this, especially in a situation with so many overwhelming emotions -- like realizing you're not straight later in life and having to relearn and redate and...it's a lot.

    I think it's great and fine to date when you're coming out so you can get a feel for things, but I also advocate for sitting with your feelings for awhile, without dating. I felt like the person I fell for, who seemed sooo into me, pulled me into her own severe confusion. And though I'm happy to know I'm not straight (I feel much more whole now), it would have been great not to go for the extremely stressful ride! Not saying you'd do that at all, but I think it can happen when you're out there, all excited about new feelings. Not only are you coming down from coming out, but I'm sure you're still really into that lady, and it still stings/you're a bit curious if she's down...to go down...even if maybe just on you - hah.

    Go easy on yourself, and lots of self care!
     
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  15. RJay

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    Thanks everyone for all the moral support! This is an intense ride, dear lord!

    Ran into V this morning. She wanted to know what I did this weekend. And so I took a deep breath and told her that the previous weekend, I went to a meetup and met someone and we went on a date this Saturday. I swear to god she seemed really f-ing relieved. She was so impressed with my bravery and says I'm an inspiration, yadda yadda. She is totally on board with what is happening. And I was totally calm about seeing her. No butterflies. No weak knees. I noticed she looked *good* but I am definitely not looking at her as a "prospect" anymore. Wouldn't have believed it 6 weeks ago.
     
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  16. silverhalo

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    Another massive milestone smashed by RJay. Congratulations, that's huge. Sounds like you were both relieved. Looks like everything is set for you to have a great friendship.
     
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  17. silverhalo

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    @RJay saw this and had to send it to you.


    IMG_0562.JPG
     
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  18. RJay

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  19. leb10

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    RJay, I'm glad it's getting a little easier to see V again. I know how much you wanted to continue the friendship. You are seriously rocking it with all of the progress you've made.

    RE: Queer tv shows - PSA: y'all need to go immediately to Amazon and start a free trial for Seeso and watch Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher in their show Take My Wife. It is amazing - there aren't crazy hot scenes like in gypsy because it's more of a comedy
    but it is the most adorable and realistic look at a queer relationship I've seen on "TV". Season 2 has wrapped but Seeso is folding and I'm not sure another distributor has picked it yet which is heartbreaking. Cameron's podcast Queery is pretty amazing too.
     
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  20. Searching1

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    Progress, indeed!! I am very proud of you with how far you have come, @RJay. And I completely agree that it was a great knowing that you need time to yourself and to date rather than starting a relationship. Seems like you are doing everything right!
     
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