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Can sexual attraction manifest into romantic lust?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Aenima1997, Sep 22, 2017.

  1. Aenima1997

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    Hello everyone. I've recently made my first post on this forum, vaguely chronicling the sudden questioning of my sexuality.

    At present I think I have accepted the fact I am definitely sexually attracted to men, but I am really struggling with the idea of being romantically involved. It unsettles me, and just doesn't feel right. This is becoming the crux of my severe confusion ATM. I'm posting on here, embracing the fact I'm admitting to myself I'm probably at the very least bisexual but cannot imagine myself in a gay relationship. What a complete fucking contradiction!!

    Anyway, sorry to go on but my question is: Have any of you people felt this way about the romantic side of a same sex relationship? Is this just a natural progression, that stems from an initial sexual attraction? Or, am I just continuing to repress my feelings?

    Thanks again.x
     
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  2. greatwhale

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    An interesting conundrum!

    Perhaps it may be worth exploring your concept of what a relationship is, as in, what if you can imagine a genderless human being next to you, someone with whom you can share everything, someone who waits for you when you're done at work, someone you think about, day in, day out...

    Does your concept, your image of a relationship ressemble the above?

    Maybe, after all that, you may see that what is troubling you is the mismatch between what you think a relationship ought to be and the discomfort arising from what you sense it might be...

    So then, what if you let go of your concept altogether, just as you let go of your former idea that you were straight, and in that letting go, you let yourself simply be...as you are, free of the shackles of your ego, and free to discover what it means to really love someone as never before...
     
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  3. Aenima1997

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    What a genuinely thoughtful and thought provoking reply. Thank you!
     
  4. Tomás1

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    I've found same sex relationships a bit complicated … & resistant to stereotypes. I fell romantically in love w a guy a few years ago. We dated for at least a month before having sex … mainly because we lived an hour apart. Not jumping not bed right away definitely helped the romance grow into something really beautiful.

    I think initially sex is the main fire in same sex relationships. Kissing or romance can be unappealing. Yet as u develop more experience w same sex relationships, kissing & romance can blossom.

    It's be helpful if u said more about what's going on w u!
     
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  5. foxconfessor

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    I think this may actually be quite a common experience. It happened to me for the first year or so of coming to terms with my sexuality. I found the thought of being in a relationship with a woman kind of depressing and especially the thought that this was the only kind of relationship I was capable of having. I think part of this may have been to do with a sense of shame regarding the sexual aspect of my feelings towards other women - which started at quite a young age, at a time when I was especially susceptible to all the damaging heteronormative ideas taught by society. While I still have trouble with the limitations of my sexuality (for a number of reasons) now I have had a few more years to come to terms with who I am, the thought of actually loving and being loved by a woman now conjures the easiest, purest feelings of happiness imaginable, which I haven't ever been able to feel when it comes to the opposite sex. And this is coming from the perspective of someone who is still yet to have been in a relationship.

    I don't know how far you have got in terms of comparing how you feel towards men and women, but from what I've seen you are doing really well at keeping an open mind and understanding that this is a process - and not necessarily a straightforward one at that! I hope you can find some answers here and whatever transition you end up making leads to a greater understanding of & contentment within yourself.
     
    #5 foxconfessor, Sep 24, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
  6. Imjustjulien

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    Without doubling on what others have said, observed and shared, maybe I can simply say: to pose a question, your 'who am I question', and the inherent doubts it throws up, to put it out there, out here, is a good action... it is a bold single step.

    An honest beginning one might say in the search for 'you'..a toe in the water. Best not be in a hurry, for remember in arriving here it took you as many years as old or young as you are now... step by step.

    And afterall maybe it wasn't, it isn't as sudden as you think, but simply that things have come together to bring whats been bubbling away beneath, out where you are wanting to see it...

    So be kind to yourself, be a friend, be gentle, go easy.

    These questions of who we are need to percolate for a bit, be allowed to neither accept or deny what comes to our thoughts of what we think or dont think, let those first hundred ideas, even one thousand, fall away... that a deeper you, a more confident you, might just start to look... beyond labels and notions of romance and what is for you and whats not...

    Well done, its a journey worth the ride.
     
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  7. kendra1982

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    i dated my first female last year, never ever thought i would swing that way! i always thought she was hot but still never thought anything more. suddendly it went from just being attracted and great sex to a major romantic involvement for us both. it takes alot of mind readjusting tho its not a easy step but im sure if you meet the right person it will feel right and it will come with time
     
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  8. Twist

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    Are you interested in relationships at all at the moment? Or, are you happy being single?
     
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  9. Aenima1997

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    Yet again, I'm taken aback by people's responses here. I'm actually moved at how caring and inspiring you all are. I have no idea how I'd be facing this without your guidance. Thank you.


    That's a little bit of a complex issue at the moment. I'm in a long term hetrosexual relationship which if I'm honest isn't going too well. I'm getting extremely intense urges for sex with other guys though, especially when I've been out drinking with friends. I've got to knock the booze on the head for a bit, because I will act on it if I don't, and I don't want to betray my girlfriend at this stage. But it's getting harder!

    I'm at such an early point in this journey, and my head feels like it's going to explode with all of my conflictions, but the more I ponder, the more I see myself being able to love a man. Still so conflicted so!
     
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  10. Skeksis

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    I think it's different for everyone and you just need to go with the flow as far your own situation is concerned. Drop expectations of you should be feeling this or you should be doing that. If you only want to have sex with men at this stage of your life, that's perfectly fine. You don't have to be romantically interested in men. Personally, I've been sexually and romantically attracted to men my entire life. Never lived in a closet, never knew any other way of thinking so it's just second nature to me. With other people though, things aren't so clear cut and their identity unfolds for them. It's ok to be conflicted and not know.
     
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  11. BiGuy365

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    I am married and I am at that point once again, where sex is boring with her. It excites me to think of the fun a same sex relationship could be. The urge can be strong. I sometimes just want the sex, but I often value the relationship. I am tired of the roller coaster. I want to be a good father/husband, but I am wrestling inside.
     
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  12. Aenima1997

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    Would you mind me asking, how long you have felt this way?
     
  13. BiGuy365

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    probably 3-4 years
     
  14. BiGuy365

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    Probably 3-4 years. I have been really struggling the past two years, Why do you ask?
     
  15. Aenima1997

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    I don't know in all honesty. I think i feel a certain symmatry with your situation and was just curious. I really feel for you. This is all new to me, kind of, and the past two weeks has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster, so I'm really sorry you've been dealing with this for that long. I hope you find some inner peace soon.
     
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  16. BiGuy365

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    What is your situation?
     
  17. Aenima1997

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    Been in denial for 15 years, I never realised I was in denial until I had a conversation with a female friend about a month ago that triggered me accepting I'm not straight.

    I've been with my girlfriend for 8, nearly 9 years since I was 22. We have a Mortgage, no kids (but she's starting to hint toward that) and generally normal lives.

    I have lost the majority of my sexual attraction towards her, although I don't 100% attribute my same sex attraction to this. But sex is boring. I fantasize about having sex with men a lot, and have had to stop myself from seeking casual sex.

    Your post just struck me as having parallels with what's going through my mind at the momentum
     
    #17 Aenima1997, Sep 25, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2017
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  18. BiGuy365

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    Yes, it sounds a lot like my problem. I don't know if you can message me, but it would be nice to have a conversation about it. What part of the world are you in?
     
  19. Aenima1997

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    Yes, that would be fantastic if we could have a chat. I don't think I can message you though because I'm not a full member?
     
  20. Aenima1997

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    No, it appears I can't message you

    Maybe I can respond if you message first?