I don't even know where to begin. I am a 33 year old mom, I have been in a relationship with his father for 14 years. We broke up for 10 months after he cheated on me. I went back to him 8 months ago to try again but in the course of those 8 months, I realized that I don't really want to be with him anymore. I am not fulfilled in this relationship and my son cannot be the reason that I agree to stay with someone who doesn't make me happy. I convinced myself for the longest time that if I stayed with him, he would one day be the man that I wanted him to be. However, I have come to realize that he is who he is and if he cannot make me happy now as he is, it will never happen. I am just dreading having the conversation with him because I know what will follow. He will try and convince me to stay... Even though he has verbalised that can see that I am visibly disconnected. Even though our sex life has taken a noticeable dip. About 4 months ago, I developed a crush on a colleague of mine. This was not my first crush on someone of the same sex. I had one in gig school but I did a great job of suppressing my emotions. The crush on my colleague just brought all those emotions to the surface and now there is no running away from it. I found out that my colleague is not straight and it seems she came out years ago. She knows that I am in a hetero relationship and I did not lead her to believe that I was anything but straight. I battled for a while to decide if I should tell her or not about my feelings for her. I wrote another thread anonymously on EC and after a few helpful replies there, I decided to let her know this week that I had a crush on a woman so she could understand that I am not entirely straight either, although I am not sure where I am on the spectrum. I did not specify who the woman was because I was actually looking for someone to talk to about everything I was going through. So anyways, the reason for this thread was to express my frustration because I don't know if I made a mistake even telling her. Our 'friendship' is weird because there is tangible sexual tension between us and on top of that, she confuses me so much. One minute she is opening up about very personal things and then the next, she is a clam. One minute she has a huge smile on her beautiful face and the next, she can't even crack a smile. Some days we can speak to each other with no weirdness, the next she can't look me in the eye. I have had the same reaction with regards to my sexuality. I just don't know what to do and today was an especially bad day. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, dealing with the questions I have about my sexuality and also having to deal with the feelings I have for her. On the other hand, avoiding but knowing that I have to speak to my son's father is equally fustrating. It's all very emotionally exhausting.
Aww I'm so sorry you are going through such a stressful time. Are as many threads as you want we are all here for you. For your partner maybe writing him a letter could work, that way you can make sure you say exactly what you want to say with the pressure of the heat of the moment. When you told your colleague you weren't straight what was her reaction?
I don't know, I guess I could try a letter. Speaking to him is not really the problem, it's really how he will take it and how his family and my family will take. I think I don't want to have to explain myself to so many people. I wouldn't even tell him that I am questioning my sexuality because that would be me outing myself to all of those people. I am a black South African. Your life is never your own. Our parents are way too involved in our lives, the minute you go against them, you are being disrespectful. I actually didn't tell my colleague face to face. I sent her text. Where we work it would be very easy for our colleagues to hear what I was saying so I just went the text route. Her reply was positive but the next day when I saw her, something was a little bit off. So I wasn't sure if she figured out that she might the crush in question so I kept my distance a bit. The next time we saw each other, things were a little bit better. I don't think she has a problem with it but she doesn't bring it up and neither do I. There were many times when I tried to meet up with her but she didn't seem keen so I don't ask anymore. There was one time where it seemed like she was going to suggest it but she changed her mind. She runs hot and cold. Like I said, is quite confusing.
Aww I'm so sorry you are going through such a stressful time. Are as many threads as you want we are all here for you Thanks so much. EC has been an amazing source of comfort. Just reading other people's thread makes such a difference that you are not going through this alone.
Hey I can totally get that. I must be such a difficult situation. Maybe you just have to keep in mind how unhappy you are being in the relationship and hopefully that can push you through the hard times. I'm sorry it's difficult to know what your friend thinks, be kind to yourself. There are many people here in similar situations hopefully you can find some comfort in that.
Yes, it does make a difference to know that I am ending my relationship because it is not working. I am looking forward to being single and getting to sort myself and my sexuality out without any pressure. EC is absolutely awesome. It's had made such a difference to even write some of the emotions that I am feeling. It gives me a chance to process it better. It's an amazing community : )
It certainly is, I don't know where I would have been without it, probably still at the back of the closet. I know I don't really have any amazing advice for you but if you ever need a listening ear you can always write on my wall.
Challenge accepted!! : ) I will certainly do that, thank you. I think I have mentioned this before but you do give really good advice.
I've been in a hot and cold situation with a crush. I opened up about my feelings towards her, but got neither a "yes" or "no". It's was an emotional #######... and to an extent still is. The hot and cold behavior here looks like to me, that she has some concerns and in whole or in part doesn't want to get close. She may not know what to do or what she wants. I think it's best not to pursue someone who is hot and cold because of how confusing and hurtful it is. Moreover, right now you need support not more stress! Whether you want friendship, support, or romance seek out others who are consistsnt and available. It won't get better between you until she knows where she stands. So I recommend giving her space, be merely colleagues, and let her sort out whatever it is she is thinking and feeling. Maybe one day she can be there for you in a capacity she is comfortable with. You're in a very tough place in your life right now. Are there any divorce support groups and/or LGBT groups in your area? Perhaps a therapist or counselor? Set yourself up for success. Divorce is hard enough on it's own. Take one step at a time dear. Also, I don't think you made a mistake. You took an opportunity to open up to someone to create something new. It didn't go as planned. That's okay. That's life. Maybe you weren't ready for the consequences, maybe you have too much on your plate, but you can adjust and make it through this.
I agree whole heartedly. I think I definitely need to look at her in that way. I am generally someone who gets attached quite quickly but my relationship had taught me to stop doing that and to rather see people for who they are instead of who I want them to be. As much as I wish things could be different with my colleague, they clearly aren't at this moment so I do have to let that go. I was considering seeing a therapist and ideally I would like to get one who is more pro LGBT.
Maybe don't worry about the gender aspect, it sounds to me like you've moved on from the relationship with your sons father but because you've been together so long you aren't sure how to sever it. And that you've found someone you might like that's new and confusing like any new relationship. I say get through the breakup and then see how you feel being truely free. Then if something is meant to happen with this woman it will. But be confident of you can and honest and see if you can just take it one step at a time. I know how you feel being ready to leave someone and feeling like the future may hold something unconventional but I feel like you're progressing through things from your post, good luck with everything.
Thanks so lot for the well wishes. Slow and steady definitely does win the race. I have to say though that the fact that I feel this way about a woman doesn't phase me this time around as it did the very first time it happened. I am quite accepting of that fact. I am even allowing myself to enjoy the thoughts that I have about women in general. It's like now I realize that I had been looking at them differently but I always tried to justify the way I used to check them out.
Amen to this. 100%. Such a relief, right? I think you are doing amazingly! The hot and cold thing is not a good sign. It's *possible* she is into you but wants to avoid you because you are married. Anyway, the best course of action would be to work on getting out of your marriage. It's really not necessary to tell him you are having these gay feelings. Sounds like there are plenty of grounds to get out anyway! I get how one's culture can make things more difficult. My advice is to not rush into outing yourself to everybody. I sort of regret telling my mom and sister.
I totally agree that I need to close one chapter before I start another one. I am not really hung up on starting a new relationship anyways. It sucks that the reactions from your mom and sister were not positive. I was listening to a lady on the radio this morning and she was encouraging parents especially in our culture to embrace their children's sexuality even if it is not something they understand. The homophobia in our culture is astounding.
