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My sister has turned transgender on me....

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Tamster, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. Tamster

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    I am a lesbian and have been out for 9 years. I finally married my wife and partner of 9 yrs. two years ago. My sister has been out to me as a lesbian for a few years. Last week she posted on fb that she was going to the dr. for her first "T" shots. We don't talk much or see each other at all. It is sad I know but I have a hard time with her choices in life as far as jobs and financially taking care of herself. She is 38yrs old with 3 boys. Now with this news that she is turning into a "guy" I just can't accept it. I don't know how to handle this news and just feel like I can't deal with all this. I am loosing my sister and all the sudden I have a brother? I am feeling very angry about the whole thing. I almost feel like a hypocrite because I am a lesbian but I just have a hard time accepting the transgender thing. Don't know what to do.
     
  2. Twist

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    Whether they are your sister or your brother, they are still someone that loves you deeply and that you love in return. You go through a LOT of hoops to start these types of transitions, and so although this is something new to you, it's not new to your sibling. It's something they probably struggled with alone for a very long time.

    The end game? Someone you love dearly needs your support.
     
  3. Spot

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    *I'm going to refer to your sibling as your brother...as he's FTM, I assume he'd prefer male pronouns.

    Imagine one day waking up in a guy's body...a flat chest, deep voice, body hair everywhere, Adam's apple, a penis, you get the idea. Despite this, you'd know you were supposed to be a woman, wouldn't you? You'd know that really, you were a woman inside and you were still a lesbian but no one else could see that. They assume that because you now have a man's body, you must be a man. And so, now you have to go through like being called a "he" despite feeling like a "she", every time you're called the wrong pronoun it just reinforces the fact that everyone sees you as a man, the wrong way. You have two choices; live unhappily as the man you know you're not until you die or you can transition and live as your true self. This transition will be long, painful and costly, with no guarantee that you will ever pass as a woman again. Now imagine going through that alone.

    This isn't your brother's choice. He isn't a woman who wants to be a man but a man trapped in a woman's body. Males and females have different brains. Studies have found that the brains of transgender individuals more closely resemble that of the opposite sex. So although your brother has a female body, his brain is closer to that of a male. It's something that happens in the womb and it can't be changed. He has a condition called gender dysphoria and would most likely have to be diagnosed in order to gain access to hormones at all. Hormones and surgery are the only treatment for gender dysphoria. Of course, it's optional but in most cases, it greatly reduces the distress caused by the condition.

    He's still the same person despite his gender. He still has the same likes and dislikes, the same personality. His name may change, he may look different but this is still the person you grew up with. Whether you accept him or not, it's up to you. But he will be faced with discrimination over this, I'd say that transgender individuals face more hatred and obstacles than the rest of the LGBT community. I just think it'd be better if he had his sister on his side.
     
  4. denouement

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    Hello! Trans guy with several siblings here. I am younger than your brother, and we all get along fairly well, so it's a bit different situation-- but my sisters have both expressed some similar feelings to yours.

    I know this seems like a sudden and unexpected event. However I can tell you he has likely known he is trans for a long while. He may have known something is different for many years, even if he didn't know the cause of that feeling is because he is transgender. Before this, he has certainly considered the effects/risks of testosterone and whether or not it is worth the time and money. And his doctor will have talked further about the effects of testosterone with him to be sure it's something he wants and needs.

    As I'm sure you know, coming out can be difficult. Since your brother is choosing to transition medically, it's not really something that can be set aside or ignored. He will essentially go through male puberty, and thus will look and sound different than he did as a female. If you haven't been very close, he may not have felt comfortable approaching the topic-- he may not have known how to tell you. It's intimidating and awkward enough to tell someone about your sexuality. Imagine if you had to tell someone that such a taken-for-granted part of yourself as your gender is not what they thought it was for so long. That you feel the need to change your appearance, to undergo medical procedures that most people would never consider doing, in order to be comfortable with yourself. I can tell you it's hard, and at least for me, it's been significantly more difficult to explain in a way that my family/friends can understand than trying to explain a different sexuality. So I can understand why he may not have told you, and why he instead decided to post it "out of the blue."

    Despite the physical changes testosterone will cause, and despite his new social identity as a male, he is still your sibling... the same sibling you've always known. Who he is at the core, hasn't changed. You are losing the sister you thought you had, and I'm sorry for that. Please allow yourself time to process this, because it is a real loss. But also keep in mind you are gaining a brother-- who you've always had, even if you didn't know it. And hopefully transition will allow him to be more himself than he was ever able to as a girl. If you're able to do so it may be good to reach out to him and ask what's going on-- give you both an opportunity to reconnect, and give him an opportunity to come out to you more officially, and possibly to explain his personal reasons of why he's decided to start testosterone and why he hasn't talked about it before.
     
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  5. Tamster

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    Thank you for this. It doesn't help that we haven't had a great relationship before this. So, I don't blame her for not telling me before she posted it on fb. It hurts non the less but I have tried to help her and help her and she just continues to come up with excuses as to why she doesn't have a job and needs money for this and that. Then when she throws this whole transgender thing at us ....it makes it hard to support her with this when it is very "weird" to us and we just don't understand. If I would call her I wouldn't know where to start and Im sure she wouldn't either. The biggest thing I have a hard time with is calling my sister by her boy name....I can't get over that. It is that big a deal to call her a boy and call her by her boy name? Why does it mean that much? To me she will always be my sister Jenny...I went as far as deleting her from my fb because I couldn't handle all the posts. I feel somewhat of a hypocrite because I am a lesbian at the same time. I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I am sorry if I have.
     
    #5 Tamster, Sep 23, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
  6. denouement

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    No need to be sorry. I know this stuff can be difficult to understand! If you really don't know much about trans folks, there are some 101/FAQ type sites that you might be interested to read. I personally shared the APA and TransEquality FAQs with my mom when I came out. If you search on youtube for "ftm" you can also find several channels from trans guys... perhaps their videos could provide some general insight.

    The job/finance issues are certainly separate from his being transgender. It sounds very frustrating... I can understand why your relationship would be impacted because of it, and why it is hard to support him in this way when your efforts to help him financially haven't worked. But his gender identity is a separate issue. I hope that as he transitions he finds himself better able to focus on finances and finding a job.

    I can't speak for your brother in regards to why the boy name/pronouns are important to him specifically. But for most trans folks, yes, being called by their "new" correct name and using the correct pronouns/terms for them is important.Even though you have a hard time with it, making an effort to use his new name and male pronouns would certainly be appreciated.

    From my own perspective... there are several reasons why being referred to with the correct name/pronouns is important to me. My birth name reminds me that I was born with a female body, and of all the issues I have with it. It reminds me of a really painful time in my life while I was trying to come to terms with everything. My birth name is strongly feminine and so anyone referring to me with that name and female pronouns in public invites others to question why I have a "girl name"-- in fact this exact situation has outed me as trans to people who had previously assumed I am a cisgender male. I have never connected with my birth name; the name "Arthur" simply feels right, and so when someone refers to me as [birth name] it feels as if they are not referring to me, as if they don't see me as myself, but instead think I am someone else. For those I have come out to, I can usually tell if they're trying to use the correct name/pronouns or not-- in the latter case it feels like they don't respect me enough to acknowledge me as myself.

    As a perhaps more relatable example, imagine if you had a friend who when you came out to them, said "I can't support you-- you just don't seem like a lesbian-- I don't understand how you can like women!" If you go to pride or wear something indicating you're a lesbian, they ask if you are an ally. They send holiday and anniversary cards to "Mr & Mrs Tamster." They refer to your husband or try to set you up with a boyfriend, even after you've introduced them to your wife. When someone else asks if you are married, they jump in and say "Oh no-- Tamster is waiting for the right man to come along!" or "She is-- her husband is a wonderful man!" Overall they refuse to acknowledge you are a lesbian, and instead pretend you are straight. Kind of frustrating, right? It's a bit like that when someone uses the wrong name/pronouns for me-- but instead of sometimes or in certain conversations, my gender is referenced in almost every conversation, every day, and influences many daily interactions such as which bathroom I'm directed to.

    Most of this stems from my dysphoria (discomfort/distress related to the feminine aspects of my body)-- and since it can be hard for cis folks to understand what dysphoria is like, I can see why it can also be difficult to understand why it is so important to me. But hopefully it makes a bit of sense. And I've met trans folks who feel the same way; your brother may relate to this experience.

    One of my sisters said something very similar when I came out to her. "I'll support you if you feel the need to do this... But you have to know, you will always be [birthname] to me. And I can only think of you as my sister." I accepted it at the time, because I know she's always seen me as her sister, and I know it's hard to change these things. But it hurt. I've always considered myself her brother, and I've never connected with my birth name... never felt like it suited me. I hope she can see how much happier I am now, and eventually refer to me with my name, and the right pronouns.

    I hope the same for you and your brother. As hard as it is seeing him as a male now, with time he will look and sound like a cis man. And with time perhaps the new name will sound more natural, and using he/him pronouns will become easier.
     
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  7. Spot

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    I'm not going to write a lot because Arthur has already given some good advice but I do understand that it'll take time to get used to his new name and pronouns. But it's only going to get easier with more practice and honestly, it'll probably be harder the more you put it off. And I know it's probably hard to understand why he needs to change his name and pronouns but going back to the hypothetical situation I brought up before, calling him a 'she' and by the name of Jenny is the same as people calling you 'he' and by a male name.
     
  8. looking for me

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    as a trans person, MTF, I can assure you it is a "thing" we don't decide one day that it'd be cool to switch genders. we've always been our true gender and the decision to transition is hugh and one we struggle with for years, nearly 50 for me. the bottom line is if you love the person who was your sister, love your brother the same way. the person who is inside is still the same, they're just adjusting the shell to fit the person as opposed to changing the person to fit the shell.