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Questioning and trying to figure it out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by inqueering, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. inqueering

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Somewhere Conservative
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've thought for quite a while now that I'm not particularly straight. I've never kissed a guy or a girl, and this does sound like the typical 'oh it's a phase' stage. I'm 18 and I want to go out and experiment and figure it out, but a problem with that is that I have been and am still sort of in denial about it.

    The identity: I currently identify as a non-straight asexual homoromantic (i can't find a better term yet, if you can please help me find something more casual). I've done quite a lot of research and I've honestly never related more to many other people like that. I want to confirm this or see if this is true, and figure it all out. I want to know what I like, and try online dating because the community I'm in seems quite conservative and frankly I think my best chances of learning now is to meet some people and try (is this a bad idea?) dating a female. Thing is, I'm not okay with this. I've grown up in a rather conservative country where there are basically no acknowledged or 'out' gay households or couples, and how i learnt the term 'butch' was my dad pointing out two girls holding hands crossing the road in front of us, holding hands, when I was 10. That was his term for wlw.

    I've concluded that I need to be comfortable with this possible identity to experiment, and to do so I've told a few of my close friends so that I can share this part of my life I talk a lot about, and so they stop making assumptions. (I'm at the age whereby we all talk about relationships and marriages quite a lot, and it makes me really icky to think about not fitting the idea people all assume automatically.)

    The problem: So, I have this best friend of mine I've never said anything to. She's a rather devout Christian (mind you, my community is one where people don't often find others who come out. Or get into out same sex relationships. Or talk about queer issues.) and she's talked to me about this issue of same-sex relationships in the abstract, in that she thinks that it's acting on it that is a sin, and the Bible says so (i myself am not religious so I do not hold myself to this). She says she understands it, but if she follows her interpretation of religion, if she were attracted to a female, she cannot act on it if she truly loves God. At the same time, she used to ship Klaine quite hard (before she was religious, i'm not sure about now tbh). I realise one of the reasons I'm not okay with myself possibly being queer, is because of what she has told me. I think I really need her support and be able to share this experience with her, as I share everything else. My life is an open book around her, and I do wish I don't have to keep this to myself.

    So I've decided I want to come out to her, with 3 details. 1. I'm asexual. 2. I'm homoromantic, I think. I haven't figured this out but I've never felt more comfortable with myself than when I came to this plausible conclusion. And I want to continue to test out this hypothesis. Here's the thing. She'd ask how I know, and then I'll have to explain my one and only legitimate crush I'd really count.

    I had the biggest crush on her for a year. Not the sexual type, because I'm quite certain I'm ace (and quite horrified by the concept of it at all) but more of the 'i want to tell you all about my day and have you tell me all about yours. I want to hold your hand and I would really not mind if you'd plant your face on mine (tmi? sorry i'll delete this if someone tells me to) and I want to be roommates for life and yeaaaaaah romantic feelings in the purest most innocent way). I'm actually surprised she doesn't know, but maybe the concept of a non-straight crush is not a concept she is familiar with. I've long since gotten over it (I really have) by realising that I had absolutely no chance. I want to be honest and I want to be able to come to terms with my own identity. This includes really talking to my best friend about it, and not have her make assumptions. But I do wonder if it'll ruin a good friendship. I don't know how she'd react, and especially since I found out by having a crush on her. I just want to honestly strengthen a really good friendship without having to hide anything so big. But I also don't want her to have to step on eggshells dealing with my feelings, and stop with our rather close platonic friendship that's quite physical and emotional and supportive (platonically). And it may end a friendship I honestly don't know. But I've found it really hard to hide it. So, here's a few things:

    1. Given the risks, should I really tell her about my current sexual identity?
    2. Should I tell her about my crush? Would it make it weird?

    Hoping for some wisdom. Thanks, folks. Also if you have a similar story please share because I can never run out of good coming out or struggle stories. I really want to know it gets better, because I'm really not so sure. Thanks.
     
  2. KaylaRCray

    Regular Member

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    Thats hilarious:arrow_up: :joy::joy:

    On a more serious note, I would test the water a little bit, maybe mention your stance on these issues if you havent already, and if you think she is willing to accept you, then go for it! I have tried bringing up those topics with my grandmother, and she ended up saying the only reason she is against it, is because the bible says so, and she really doesnt care if her son (because thats who we were talking about) was gay she would still love him.
    As for talling her you liked her, only bring it up if she asks. If you do talk about it, stress how long ago it was and that you do not feel that way anymore.
     
    #2 KaylaRCray, Sep 22, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2017
  3. inqueering

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What's a casual way to bring it up? I actually find it quite difficult to have a conversation about this (and really haha the only time i said it was when a guy said he liked me and i had to let him down), given lgbt couples aren't really even visible at all in our society?

    I'm not sure how to tell someone i used to like them without it sounding weird, because people tend to see it in the sexual way and get really uncomfortable? It's not really like that for me but I don't know how weird it would sound regardless. She also doesn't believe people can ever move on so that worries me a little.

    Thanks for your advice!!!!
     
  4. KaylaRCray

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What i did was ask what their religion thinks about trans people, if they would be allowed to transition, that kind of thing, and that conversation can easily lead into the idea of different sexualities. I cant be certain this will work, i dont know where you live, but it worked for me. I wish you the best of luck!