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I'm introverted - How do I get a balance of socializing?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Aesthcore, Sep 22, 2017.

  1. Aesthcore

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    For more introverted people, have you managed to successfully handle socializing? How?

    I'm a person who needs a fine, equal balance between social interaction and time to myself.

    When my friends are all more extroverted people and never seem to get tired of socializing, unlike me, what can I say to them or explain to them that will allow me to be able to be understood that I'm more introverted and need equal parts, if not a bit more, alone time?

    And when I meet new people/potential friends, how do I set the boundaries right off where I don't then just chase them away, but I'm not bombarded with yet more extroverted socializing pressures that just don't suit me?


    Because I don't know how to explain myself to people - my friends and acquaintances/potential friends - on what works best for me in socializing, I'm stuck being social and socializing on their terms because they understandably can't quite relate with me and/or are not quite aware of just what extent these needs of mine go to. (Which let me tell you, is a ton more than people tend to assume, even when they're aware I'm more introverted than them - At least for the time being until my perpetual overwhelmed-ness goes away, once I'm able to achieve a balance).

    But it's time that I do something in order to be able to achieve a satisfactory balance between social interaction and alone-time, so I can be happier (less anxious/overwhelmed) and more satisfied in life, and less neglectful to my friends when I get overwhelmed and abruptly dip out of the socializing world for prolonged periods of time due to that.


    (As a note, I'm only speaking about online socializing experiences at the moment. But hopefully answers can apply to real-life socializing/friends as well, as I'll need help in that too.)
     
    #1 Aesthcore, Sep 22, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2017
  2. Humbly Me

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    Me: "I like spending time with myself"

    Other person: "..."
     
  3. Monraffe

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    Why do you feel you need to explain yourself to them? Have you considered that your friends are the ones with the problem and that you are perfectly normal? They are the ones with a constant need for socialization to fill the empty void in their lives. You are the one enjoying your own company, minding your own business.

    Most introverts are not born introverted. They become that way as a reaction to problems they encounter while attempting to interact socially. Each human can only intuit the existence of their own mind through introspection. No one has direct access to the mind of someone else. The Theory of Mind (ToM) is a false belief that the thoughts, desires, and intentions projected onto others can be used to predict or explain their actions, and in so doing, their intentions can also be predicted in advance. It is false because it is only the characteristics that most people share in common that allow it to work in the first place.

    This ToM experience, when it goes well, is thoroughly exhilarating and is why your friends don't understand why you don't enjoy it as much as they do. To them, saying you need time alone is like saying you don't like sex. It just doesn't seem to make a lot of sense.

    But to those of us who lack ToM, finding ones self in the middle of too much social interaction is tiring and stressful. We have no choice but to discover and to love of our own company and for hat we are often referred to as "mind blind" and are too often placed arbitrarily on the autism spectrum, highly functioning though we may be. It's a ridiculous and ignorant slight perpetrated on people just because they are a little bit different.

    If your friends are too ignorant to take the time to get to know and accept you as you are then too bad for them. Their loss, not yours.
     
  4. Jax12

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    I’m a good mix between and introvert and extrovert, but at some point, after socializing with lots of people, I will want time for myself. On the other hand, too much time alone and I’ll get a restless.

    I’ve found that the more socializing you get, the more you can understand when to step back and realize you’re just at your limit.

    Also learn when to say no. If you don’t want to go out, then don’t. Start off with a smile at someone, or ask how their day is. The only way I’ve gotten better at interacting with random people is because of my job. It’s heavily customer oriented and so I’ve gotten a lot of exposure to nice and rude people.
     
    #4 Jax12, Sep 23, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
  5. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I need a lot more space and time alone than most, but I do love talking especially with the right people. I think what's important is being light hearted but clear what you'll be doing and when.

    You could just say, "Sorry, I couldn't chat! I'm scheduling my time to have a better life balance :slight_smile: I won't be online tonight but I'll be on next Friday, we can chat then!" Then set an alotted time to chat. Set an alarm if you have to. You don't need to share that time frame with others, this is your boundary for you. When you need to get off say something like, "Hey, it was fun chatting, but I gotta go! I should be on again tomorrow night!" If someone asks what you'll be doing, you can just say "I have some goals to work on" or "I need to catch up on some things" maybe it's "chores" or "sleep". Just keep it vague.

    That should honestly be enough. Saying you're trying to be a healthy person with goals to balance your life will help them to understand you are not ditching them but it's for personal wellness. They will understand and relate to that better than explaining "introversion". It's also the truth, you need you schedule your time better for your own balance. Setting time to socialize and following through with it will show you do care so they won't feel negelected or perceive you as flaky. You don't need to explain beyound that what you do with your time or justify why. Whether it's chores, chilling, tv, meditation, work, it doesn't matter because the reality is you can't speand all your time socializing. Your friends should respect your wishes. Not specifying what you'll be doing creates a boundary too, which you may need right now.

    If they think you're a bad friend because you won't or can't talk every night for 5 hours, or if they stop being your friend because you can't chat every night or miss some events... they simply aren't the best fit for you. If a friend is anxious, be reassuring but ultimately they have to figure out how to be okay.

    With people who JUST DON'T respect my boundaries or stay way beyond their welcome (more likely in IRL), I will make an excuse. Like needing drink, restroom, doing a task, etc. This usually creates enough of a break they will move onto something else. Eventually you may have to have a talk with someone like that, but start with being assertive about when you chat and when you're done chatting.

    You also might set boundaries with yourself. I turn off chat programs or set my status to invisible/offline. This helps me from getting sucked into chatting for hours or with multiple people. I have a lot more control of when I chat with who because of that. Also realize you're only human. You can only have so many friends or close relationships. There's only so many hours in a day. You may need to be more picky with who you chat with regularly and who are cool people you chat with every once in awhile.
     
    #5 Cinnamon Bunny, Sep 23, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
  6. Loves books

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    I'm an introvert. Which means for the majority of my life my only friend was me. I get really shy around new people but once I get over that I have no filter. I will literally say anything that comes to mind. I joined a lot of societies in my University. I thought I would try the social thing. The only one I'm really interested in is the Harry Potter society. Though according to my sister who went to only one meeting. It's a cult. I like being alone with my kindle and my iPad exploring the happy ever afters of fictional characters. It's better than sitting in a room full of people none of whom want to drag an introvert in to a conversation and too nervous and shy to join one myself. And when I do actually socialise it's so tiring. I actually brought my kindle to the last wedding I attended.