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Keeping my sexuality a secret is hindering my friendships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ScarletRain, Sep 18, 2017.

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  1. ScarletRain

    ScarletRain
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    I feel like keeping my sexuality a secret is hindering my friendships. I'm 20 years old and most conversation revolves around our sexual lives and drinking or partying etc. In these situations I always feel left out because one I don't like drinking to blackout and party, personally it makes me feel uncomfortable and its not healthy. Two, I can't talk about my sexual life because i don't really have one, and I'm gay and haven't come out yet (only 2 people). Here's the thing, I fear coming out will lead to judgement and I don't want everyone to just look at my sexuality as the first thing about me, or it possibly lead to problems in the workplace or at home (I still live with my judgmental parents). So I feel like not being able to make these connections with my friends, in reference to drinking and sex lives, and obviously not sharing my number one secret/insecurity is limiting me from forming deep bonds. I constantly feel like the boring one. Also my best friend always has these sex stories she shares with our friend group, and i'm not trying to come off as jealous but it hurts when you feel a mutual friend liking you as the favorite in the beginning but feeling the favoritism to shift to her (my best friend) on multiple occasions. And witnessing it like they'll text her more than me and text outside of the group chat. It hurts so bad because like I made the friend first and they are just robbed from me in the end. I just don't know what to do or how to stop feeling like this constantly, I even feel like I've lost my individuality a bit. Can anyone relate?
     
    #1 ScarletRain, Sep 18, 2017
  2. Dylan1357

    Dylan1357
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    I feel similar, I'm 15 and I've only come out to 3 people but when I'm in school and not in lessons I find work to do in other lessons so I don't have to be with friends or anyone because I feel like I'm not relevant like I'm just there and no one sees me.
     
    #2 Dylan1357, Sep 18, 2017
  3. resu

    resu
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    I would suggest finding new friends who are more responsible with alcohol and coming out to them so you don't have to hide that aspect. It's important to not sacrifice your own values just to keep friends.
     
    #3 resu, Sep 22, 2017
  4. Pixo

    Pixo
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    This is exactly what I thought before I started coming out to people, but it's honestly not what will happen (if you're not in a notoriously homophobic area, that is). I thought "Oh, my best friend won't want to be my friend anymore, he won't want to be seen with a gay guy." He's totally fine with me being gay and he knows that we're only friends so he's going to be fine with hanging out with me and being seen by other people. Also, all the other people I've come out to have said, "It's such a small thing, I don't know why you were so worried." I think we get these worries in our minds, thinking that everyone's view of us will change and you'll never be able to go back to the way it was, but the change is much smaller than we think it will be.

    As for the drinking part, I don't really know what to say. Finding new friends would be one solution, but that's very extreme. I guess just laugh and go along with the conversations, contributing where you can. Hope this helped :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Pixo, Sep 22, 2017
  5. ScarletRain

    ScarletRain
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    Wow thanks for the responses everyone, they definitely made me feel a lot better!!

    @Dylan1357 - Im so sorry you feel the same way I do, its really a bummer! But i dont think you should purposely isolate yourself❤

    resu - thank you for the advice, I also agree I probably should look for friends with my same values, which my current friends do have and share a lot of beliefs. The problem is that they want to drink constantly which is hard to find someone who doesn't like to that in my age range, in my opinion. But I do love them, maybe I can find a happy medium:slight_smile:

    @Pixo what you said is literally my thought process right now about coming out! You made me feel so much better about it because thats exactly what i was thinking "my bestfriend wont want to be seen with a gay guy, and everyone's view will change and never go back" so im glad to hear that it most likely wont go that way! Because i do think coming out to them would help me form a deeper bond by establishing a sense of trust that they possibly dont feel with me.
     
    #5 ScarletRain, Sep 24, 2017
    Dylan1357 likes this.
  6. Pixo

    Pixo
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    Haha no problem. Do you plan on coming out relatively soon or is that something for the far future?
     
    #6 Pixo, Sep 25, 2017
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