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Parents Starting to Suspect

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DayByDay, Sep 18, 2017.

  1. DayByDay

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    I think my parents are starting to suspect that I'm not straight. Before I start talking about why, I should really give some background on my parents and also family.

    My oldest brother came out to my parents as gay a few years ago (Me and my siblings knew way before). My dad is middle eastern and grew up in the middle east, before moving to America so that he could go to a better college, and he eventually met my mom. My dad has lived in the United States most of his life, and has been very "Americanized". At the same time though, he is still so middle eastern and his morals are still very aligned with the way he grew up. I think he has spent so much of his life suppressing his feelings and as a result, has no idea what's going on in his own head. It's so weird and also really hard to explain to someone hasn't seen it themselves. It's like he has this idea of the type of person he wants to be, and that's not necessarily the person he is, and he can't accept that. When my brother came out, my dad worked so hard to show my brother that he still loved him, and seriously worked hard to accept him. I have to give him credit for that, he seriously does try and he loves my brother and my siblings so much. At the same time though, he definitely has not reached a point of total acceptance. Sometimes I feel like he sorta just forced his feelings down when my brother came out and put on this front so that my brother would feel accepted, but he never actually dealt with those emotions.

    My mom realized my brother wasn't straight way before he actually came out to her. She was raised in America and is also just super liberal and accepting. She would drop subtle hints to him that she didn't care, and also that she knew. She tried to help my dad work through his emotions and I think it helped, but at the same time I don't feel like he ever truly worked through his own emotions about the situation.

    Now, I think they are both seriously starting to suspect that I'm not straight. I feel like my dad is so conflicted. For example, one time he told me that if I ever came out to him that he would work really hard to accept me and that it wouldn't affect his love for me. On another occasion though, he asked me if I was gay super accusingly and I said no and got really frustrated and told him to never ask me that again. I'm not really sure why it bothered me so much, but it did. What he said back was way worse though. He was like, "Why is that bad for me to ask? I already have one and I swear I can't handle another". That's sorta what I meant before. He loves me so much, and has always thought of me as his sweet little girl. I think he really is starting to figure it out, and I think that he is just struggling so much with that. He wants to be this super religious guy who does anything wrong and the reality is, that's not who he is. He also just really wants to love and accept us no matter what, but this other religious side of him is getting in the way.

    This whole post is probably so confusing to most people. It's so hard for me to explain. Basically, I'm just really scared because I think my parents are starting to figure it out and I'm not sure my dad is ready for that. I know I'm not ready for that myself. I'm just so anxious right now, any advice would be great.
     
  2. Pixo

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    First of all, I'm sorry for what your dad said, I really don't think that was an appropriate thing to say. I think you should continue living your life the way you want to live it. If you don't want to come out to everyone because you're not prepared, then don't come out. However, if it's your dad that isn't prepared, push past that. You shouldn't have to suppress your feelings/desires because of how someone else will react to them. You're his daughter, I predict he'll come around in time. Also, it sounds as if your dad isn't the kind of person who will hate you forever (or even in the first place) for being bisexual, and I'm sure the rest of your accepting family will make him see the light eventually. I hope this helped, good luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

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    From the day we are born our parents have certain ideas and expectations about our lives and it doesn't usually include dating or marrying a person of the same sex. When I was born my grandfather's first comment to my dad was that I would carry on the family name and I know my dad concurred with this idea. It never occurred to either of them that I might be gay and it actually caused me a fair amount of inner conflict knowing that I wouldn't actually carry on the family name (at least, not in the conventional sense).

    So, when we come out, it sends our parents on an emotional rolllercoaster as they have to ditch many of the ideas they held for years and years and go through a number of emotional stages, even swinging back and forth between them for some time. It sounds like your dad has been through all of this with your brother and even now he hasn't fully come to terms with it. I think it's been made harder for him because acceptance presents him with something of a conflict between loving tolerance and religious objection. I'm sure it's pulled him in different directions as he's tried to bridge the divide.

    Having been through all of this with your brother, it's probably true that your parents are getting vibes, but there is nothing to be gained from denying how you feel to them. You're not helping yourself and you're not protecting them by concealing the truth either. Even though it may cause your father difficulty to go through it again he will be able to handle it. The coming out of a son or daughter has never destroyed any parent - not really. It may upset them and some parents may even feel offended by it, but our coming out doesn't detonate a bomb in the life of another, no matter who they are. I'm afraid some parents use very emotive language in the heat of the moment and it can place a huge burden on us when we hear it, but we mustn't allow ourselves to be emotionally manipulated by their words.

    It may be hard, but I think you should have an honest conversation with your parents, especially if they hint to you that they know. Check out the website of PFLAG and refer your parents to the nearest PFLAG chapter when you tell them, because it gives them both a place where they can talk very openly to other parents who are going through the same issues and get useful informations and support.

    It sounds like they both love you and will come round, so there is no overwhelming reason to conceal the truth from them.

    Good luck and keep us informed.