I'm not feeling angry anymore (as I talked about in my last thread), but I think that anger helped me introspect about some things I'm still sorting through in my journey. I think I'm starting to realise that this life I've chosen carries some complicated emotions that will always be there, and I have to accept that these emotions are a product of all the parts of my life intersecting, and use these emotions to drive the future to a positive loving life for myself and my daughter. The complicated mix of emotions I'm starting to see now are - first, a strong drive and need to be with a woman, to live truly to my identity, but on the other hand a love and friendship with my ex that I want to continue to nurture. Those 2 things are both strongly present and both important. My daughter and myself are lucky that her father and I are still friends, and that we want to maintain that friendship. It can leave me feeling a bit sentimental, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't change my need to follow this path I'm on, maybe it even makes this future path stronger and richer? Second, there's a part of me that feels a need to reclaim my lost years in the closet, but I don't want to get sucked in by those feelings, life in the present should be my focus. I think that I need to nurture this part of myself that I've neglected for so long. I don't know yet how to nurture this more than I already am ...I'm so immersed in being in touch with being gay, exploring and embracing my sexuality, embracing my identity, and being part of the community... but I know I need to nurture it so I'll just follow my instincts as I go along. Another feeling is this sense of constant need for introspection... I feel like I need a lot of room to get in touch with my feelings, to be in touch with my sense of self, to let myself take time for me. It's not always easy to get that kind of headspace, but it's necessary for me. I think I am also just in a stage of healing right now, which includes some grieving, some introspecting, some discovery and learning, some need to seek comfort, some need to explore my desires and emotions... I don't know where I'm going with all of these thoughts. Thanks for listening.
you're living my love. it's all perfectly normal. and kudos to you as you acknowledge your feelings and share so others can see the possibilities and the challenges we face as we move towards authenticity.
baristijedi … My sense is that you are obsessed w yourself … kinda listening & relistening to all the inner voices in your head - your feelings, emotions, your past, what u want for the future, your daughter, your ex, your desire to be w a woman. Rehearsing them over & over. All these things make up your ego. Mindfulness, being in a place of inner silence - easier said than done - a place of awareness - could bring some relief.
Thanks @lookingforme The truth is I have a lot of fear and insecurity still, I would more accurately say I'm obsessed with understanding my decisions and making sure I don't screw up things for my daughter. I don't have anyone living near me except my ex husband, my partner and the friends I've made since coming out last year. I've also not been in one stable place all that long over the last 7 years, I got married and moved within a month 8 hours from home, got pregnant 3 months later, had the baby then moved a year later overseas, then 6 months later made another overseas move, 9 months later moved back overseas to the UK, moved around this city again, and then came out of the closet and a year later separated from my husband..... I'm scared to be completely honest, because I don't feel I have a very solid anchor. I'm creating my anchor as we speak all from instinct...
hun, if you didn't question after all that id think there was something wrong. I truly believe it's much less obsession than an abundance of caution. anyone with a small child should have this. tends to make for a better parent, I can attest to this as I raised my son myself, along with coming out as Bi, then/now working on coming out as the woman I am. you're doing just fine, keep doing you. HUGS.
That's a wonderful post, so honest and heartfelt. It resonates with me greatly. I've been out of the closet for a year and three months and I still spend time on a daily basis with introspection. I think about my journey, continue to marvel at what has happened, and think about how to continue on my journey with continued love and patience with my family while I work on exploring my newfound gay identity. You are not alone here. We're still on this journey - it's not over yet, so just keep swimming.
It won't be easy, but try to let your mind rest. I find if I can let my mind rest then the answers will come. I often dwell on things and question them too much. I always say that it's important to take some time out for yourself. We are always so busy with life that we tend to forget about ourselves. Give it a try. Just might help.
Hey Barista, I don't have any words of wisdom but appreciate your post. It's raw and vulnerable and that's just so hard. I totally get the struggle of trying to stay present because things seem like they would just be so much simpler if we'd had figured out our needs earlier. Hope you get a few piece filled moments soon
Everyone’s journey is different. The important part is that you are progressing and taking care of yourself.
I have set a goal for myself. To work through each thing about my life that is bothering me. One thing at a time, little things, big things, and try not to worry about the rest of it while I'm Working on the thing in front of it. That way I don't jump into things. Make mistakes or make decisions while I'm in a vulnerable head space. It's hard to just live and understand that some things are truth and they just are. So if you're gay, you're gay. It's just a part of you. If you're single you're single, it will pass but for now you are just getting some time to focus on your child and things in your life you need to work on. I tell myself that when I do move on and through more of this that I have to be someone with something to offer the relationship that I would love to have. That when I find someone who makes me better, happy and at peace that I am prepared to do the same for them. I'm not the type of person who really likes casual things, so if you're looking just for something light to help you work through something that's also something people do. There's a lot to work through and that's so hard but time will work you through to where you're going.
