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in a relationship but unsure

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by tm3ra01, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. tm3ra01

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    Hi everyone,

    Im a new user who could use some help if possible. Sorry for the long post.

    I am a 26 year old woman. When I was around 12, I remember being with my family, talking about a beautiful girl from my school and describing everything about her, and thinking "I am gay." I cried all night that night as I thought about how much I didn't want to be a lesbian.

    I came out as "liking girls" and believing I was a lesbian at 15 to my parents. They took it well enough; to this day my mother still believes I am gay and she has always been very good about it. My dad was never comfortable with it but he wasn't mean about it either. However, over time I began to date both boys and girls for a couple of years (although I felt during this time in HS that I still wanted to be mostly with girls but that they weren't around.) My first girlfriend when I was 15 and 16 was super manipulative and cruel, and cheated on me with a boy. So at 16, I ended up dating that same boy, even though I felt not very attracted to him and mostly did it because I thought it would give me social capital and to get revenge on her (I am not such a spiteful person not haha.) I was out as openly bisexual in my school.

    I dated a couple more people and then at 17 I fell in love with a girl. Honestly it was the best relationship I have had to this day. But she also was VERY serious and wanted to get married after we were together for 2 years, and I wasn't ready at all - I felt too young. We ended up breaking up before she went abroad and I felt miserable for a while.

    I did some more dating around during my sophomore year of college. During this time I struggled a lot because I would meet women online and often they would want to have sex with me but not date me long term. I felt used by them and it always made me feel so awful. One woman in particular I was really into would sleep with me and then go run off with a guy she was also dating until they became serious. Then she would invite me to come over and like an idiot I would, and sometimes we slept together. This happened for a while but I ended it because I felt weird and guilty. Other women I was involved with were into me in a way that felt hypersexual or we had no sexual chemistry. I think I was afraid of being alone and wanted a close relationship so I stopped dating women.
    Around that time, I fell in love with a man who I was with for 3 years. During this time though I had the experience of "something isn't right" which lead me to end it (along with other reasons). I questioned my sexuality during that relationship as well and the sex wasn't so great, but I definitely feel like I have enjoyed sex with men at other times.

    After the break up I thought that I would be single for a while. Then I fell into something with another guy who I met through a very niche linguistic interest that we share. I was and am very attracted to his charm and his connection to the language... But he wants to marry me and I am very unsure. We have been together a year and I still feel that pull to women that I felt as a 12 year old. But if I am bisexual and not gay, then why am I feeling this way?

    I'm just really confused and tired. If I like having sex with him (which I do) and enjoy his company and love him as a person, why do I dream of women? Why do i develop crushes on friends that are feel enough that they are distracting? I need guidance. Thank you for reading this.
     
  2. Tomás1

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    It sounds like you're bi. Bi women are attracted to other women just as lesbians are … that's why u feel the "pull".

    It's a bit complicated & confusing, but as a bisexual, u can choose what gender u want to be with. Of course the choice we bisexuals face is commitment to one person … versus shorter relationships, moving from one person / one gender to another. U have to decide - like anything else, there are pluses & minuses w each choice.

    Another option is a poly relationship, where u have female & male partners … I've heard of people who have this, but it's complex & unusual.

    Are u out to your boyfriend? That'd be a place to start, to know how he is w your bisexuality …and any possible ageeements u can make where u could have your cake & eat it too!
     
  3. tm3ra01

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    ThNks for your response. I have been in open relationships before and I prefer monogamy. One relationship is enough work for me.

    I don't think that I'm necessarily a lesbian but I am noticing that I don't desire to be with men when I am with women, as opposed to how it is when I am with men. I guess I'm wondering if I shouldn't choose to with a woman instead
     
  4. Lia444

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    You sound like you prefer women to men but just haven't found the one yet. You are still young so have time. You may regret choosing to settle down with a man for the long term which is what it sounds like you are thinking too. Only you can really decide which way you want to go. Do you have someone you can talk to? maybe talk to your boyfriend as it's probably best to be honest from the beginning.
     
  5. tm3ra01

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    Thanks so much for this response.

    I talked to him about it and he was really understanding and said that it didn't surprise him. I haven't made any decisions yet but I am leaning towards maybe needing to be single now. Its just hard because our lives are so intertwined (we have been together a year and recently moved in together) and I am pissed at myself because I have been having these feelings for a while and was fighting them. I kept thinking "no since I'm bisexual this must feel fine so I need to just go with it" but it's really not the case.

    I'm also scared because the queer woman dating world is so different than what I've become used to. I'm afraid that no women will want to be with me, especially with a recent serious relationship...
     
  6. Pole star

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    Well done on being frank and open and honest to yourself and your boyfriend.

    I have noticed on EC that it is the women who are more open and honest when it comes to accepting and understanding their sexuality. Men are generally afraid to face their sexuality and find it difficult to accept. Perhaps a product of social conditioning? Just my thoughts...
     
  7. Lia444

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    I think everyone gets scared, I'm still coming to terms with understanding my sexuality and the thought of putting myself out there and start dating women terrifies me. But if you meet the love of your life? I bet you will be glad you did it and if it doesn't work out and you then decide in a couple of years that you prefer men then it's not the end of the world. I think all newbies think that people won't be interested if you dated the opposite sex before but if they think that way then they aren't for you I hope that if you really connect with someone then they won't care about the past it's the future that counts
     
  8. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I have a few thoughts.

    Do you develop crushes or feel attracted to other women while in a relationship with a woman? Or do you stop feeling attaction towards other woman, celebs, etc when in a relationship with a woman? It could be you're just more attracted to women as a whole. So no matter who you are with you'll notice and get crushes on woman. Doesn't mean your necessarily unhappy in a relationship, but that our sexuality doesn't turn off once in a relationship. If your crushes and attractions are harder to manage when with a man, then it's up to you if you can handle it or if being with a woman is the better choice for you even if you are bisexual.

    Another thought is maybe you're hung up on "the one that got away". Maybe everyone is being compared to her. Maybe you haven't moved on yet. Maybe your still looking for bits of her in all your relationships. So you might not be happy in any relationship because they aren't not "her".

    Another possibility I see is, you are finding faults and reasons why not to get serious in every relationship you mentioned. Now many of those relationships may have been bad relationships, but you may be at some level afraid of intamacy/commitment. We tend to fall into patterns of relationships. If we're afraid of closeness we often pick relationships that won't get close and when something does get close we run. It's not necessarily you don't want to be close but your afraid.

    These are just thoughts for you to ponder. I wanted to show some different perspectives since it may not be a sexuality issues but a relationship issue.
     
  9. tm3ra01

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    Thanks so much for these thoughts.

    I'm currently trying to work this out in therapy and these questions are helpful for me to think about and bring up with my therapist.

    I definitely think I have a greater attraction to women overall, but I do feel like my attraction to women is more manageable when I am partnered with another woman. This is something I'm considering heavily - maybe I need to just try being a "woman-exclusive bisexual" in my dating for a bit and see how that works.

    I appreciate the insight that maybe I'm not over my ex, but I actually think I am; she is getting married soon and I am going to go to the wedding and am very excited for her.

    On the last point: this is also definitely possible. I think I have a fear of commitment in general (this is another point I'm working on in therapy haha) although in my 3 year long relationship with a guy, he was the one who ended up being more afraid of commitment and not me. I actually ended it because he decided that he didn't want to have kids, which is something that I definitely want.

    Thanks again, these are all good things to mull over and consider!!
     
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  10. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Glad the questions were helpful and you have support to work things out!

    I'm bisexual myself, but my attractions towards women have always been more frequent/stronger so I relate to your predicament.

    Well if fear of commitment is a possibility, have you looked into attachment styles? It may shed some light on things.