So I just had a case of instant regret in the ongoing saga that's the end of my marriage. Today I found out that my application for some sort of disability assistance was rejected and I let my roommate know. He in turn, told my estranged wife (they wok at the same place) who offereed to help in any way she can and said she still loved me. I responded by thanking her for her offer and saying that I still loved her. As soon as hit "send" I had an instant wretch in my stomach and a major feeling of regret. Considering all that I have written, that she's barely been around the past few months largely staying with a male friend that she works with (a major red flag, I know, even though she has claimed repeatedly that they are only friends), my own feelings of betrayal/abandonment/hurt and getting used to her basically being non-existent in my life, am I ok to feel that regret while simultaneously still harboring a small flicker of love for her? And yes, the marriage is prectically over. She even took off of work Tuesday to go get papers but backed out at the last minute saying that she "wasn't ready". I'm exhausted and want this whole saga to end. Just in case my question is lost in the jumble of words: am I ok to feel regret for saying "I love you" to someone that's caused me so much grief even tho there's still a small flicker of love within me?
It is absolutely okay to feel that way. Maybe you are feeling regret because she has caused you so much pain and deep down, you still love her even though you know that she doesn't deserve it. Or maybe you may think that you are lying to her because the way you used to tell her you loved her felt much different from how you feel about her now as your feelings have faded over time and after being hurt so much. All of these reasons are valid and absolutely normal. The heart does what it wants and if love is real love, I personally believe it lasts forever no matter how much they hurt you. But there are definitely grey areas when it comes to depth of love and when it begins to fade, it's hard to define it exactly. Good luck, friend
Of course it's okay. You're human - you have feelings, that's what being human is all about. We say and do things we regret and we still love people after they have wronged us in some way. It's very hard to detach ourselves from people with whom we enjoyed a loving and/or intimate relationship, because our feelings don't allow it so easily. In some ways that's a good thing, but it's also one of the frustrations of the human condition. Even though we're pained by what's happened to us, we don't discard all memories like an old pizza box. Life is a constant learning curve and it never ends. The main thing is to understand when and why we've said or done something wrong and resolve not to repeat the mistake. I've had to do it many times in my own life. Knowing how you regret what you did, what would you do differently?
Well, evidently I had left my webbrowser up on my computer with this showing and my wife saw it and confronted me about through text. I still don't know exactly why I felt regret for what amounted to an "I love you" text with all the issues we've had. Once the feeling of regret subsided there was a profound sense of melancholy that I'm still feeling. However, I did respond to her stating what I put in this thread along with reiterating that yes, I do love her still, but I want to try and work things out if possible and that if divorce is truly what she wants then I'm not going to stop something that's inevitable. I also did point out that if she wants to work on things, she needs to stop running away and do this as a team instead of as a pair of individuals. The biggest part (that i didn't say to her) that's getting me is the difference in how I'm treated. With my wife it's all about her, no matter what, and I've gotten the feeling many times that's all I'm there for is to make sure she's happy, my own happiness and health be damned. With my current roommates/friends it's completely different I'm treated as an equal with the common coutesy and respect we'd normally expect. I've also noticed that I'm a lot less stressed out when my wife isn't around. It's things like that that are making me wonder why I'm holding out hope of salvaging the marriage. Maybe some more thought over this will bring some clarity, and maybe give me an idea why I'm so conflicted between hanging on and letting go.
Just a quick (?) update: After a couple days of venting my feelings and frustrations, I finally feel better being around her and noticed that when there's no sexual innuendo things seem pretty normal. I've come to the conclusion that my regret was not saying what I needed to say, even if I can communicate it best through text (I'm not good and vocally expressing myself). Then came last night. Evidently afyer going to a bar with people she doesn't normally hang out with and actually going into the establishment, rather than hanging around outside as is normal for her, she encountered a lot of married couples and had a breakdown. And she actually came home wanting me some time between 1:30 A.M. and 2:45 A.M. (when I came to) to find her in bed with me. It was weird. I don't remember all of what she said, just that she was all over me with hugs and wanting to cuddle when all I wanted to do was sleep lol. I plan on finding out over the course of the day today whether she actually had a breakdown or if it was something alcohol induced. I'm still open to the idea of continuing the relationship, but that feeling is rapidly diminishing and in addition to our relationship, she has a lot of other realtionships to repair as well.
