Until I was asked out in middle school, it had never occurred to me to like boys. But once I started dating, I couldn't stop. In retrospect I wonder if it is that I craved the affection I wasn't getting elsewhere. But due to this is seemed obvious that I liked men. Less obvious was the attraction to women. I realize now that the deep emotional loss felt and close physical connection with my childhood bestfriend was anything but normal. But until one girl accused me of being a lesbian for staring at her boobs, it had never occurred to me that I was out of the ordinary. In high school, based on this awareness, I came out as bisexual. And bisexual I have remained. But this comes with an issue. I have a deeply conservative family that would never accept me. So I have avoided serious relationships with women in pursuit of relationships with men to please my family. However. After two serious committed relationships of several years, I am beginning to wonder if my heterosexuality is a result of socialization and fear, rather than any sexual attraction. I am capable of falling in love with men and having deep emotional connections. But I have never really enjoyed sex with men, and despite numerous sexual partners and even more numerous sex positions, I have yet enjoy sex or achieve orgasm. I seem capable of finding men attractive, but as soon as the novelty wears off, they lose any appeal beyond friendship. Meanwhile, I seem to form deep emotional connections with my female friends that extend beyond normal friendship. Which tends to complicate matters and usual results the the death of the friendship the second said friend gets into a serious relationship. This leaves me more devastated than any loss of a Herero relationship. On top of this, I often find myself checking out women way more than I check out men. And I occasionally have weird impulses (which I NEVER indulge because It would be vastly inappropriate) to run my fingers through a girls hair, or just to be closer to her. I feel like this is how attraction should feel, and it's never something I feel with men. However, it's not exactly a topic I can bring up in casual conversation with anyone, so I have no reference. Which leaves me feeling like either I am attracted to women, or I'm a confused weirdo who may need a therapist. Regardless, I have dated men my whole life and it works well enough that I could probably carry on like this. But I worry that I am staying in my current relationship out of fear of being wrong. That if I walk away now, and it turns out that I am completely misreading my impulses. That I'll be tanking my chance at happiness. That the total aversion to sex that I feel with men after dating for a few months is normal and I am being crazy. So I guess I am on here to hear other people's stories and opinions and see if anyone else has been where I am, and if they could shed a little insight into my sexuality. Because I am utterly confused and I don't want to spend my entire life in this "what if" purgatory I've been in for years.
Thread title is false, clearly you are a self-closeted lesbian even though I'm not allowed to tell you what you are, it seems to be the most probable scenario.
Well now, the thread title was phrased as a question, so it isneither true nor false. But I am sure Myclosetisfull was just being concise in saying what I think a lot of people (including me) would say after reading your post: you are a normal lesbian. (Yes, that's not a contradiction!) Who is not yet quite out to herself. However, I think we should hear from some of the ladies who can share their experiences. Postscript: pardon me for smiling at your story about the girl who caught you boob-watching. What's not to like about boobs?
When u read all the posts here on "Sexual Orientation" … you'll see how many - especially young people - equate bisexuality w confusion. It's confusion about whether u want to be w the other gender or the same gender! As one begins to make peace w their bisexuality … it moves from confusion to understanding your preferences.
To me it sound like you are noticing the differences how you feel between men and women. That there is a lack of being drawn in, a lack of this deeper layer in your hetero relationships. Attraction is the undercurrent that sweeps us in. Platonic relationships have a level of attraction, you can desire the company of a cool and wonderful person. Maybe they are cheerful or intelligent and that's a very attractive quality in a friend. Platonic attraction though, lacks the sexual undertone. The way you want to hold, kiss, or caress someone is the difference. From what I read it sounds like you are attracted to women but not men. Its not my place to tell you who you are though. Realistically, it is possible to be bi and not know it. If you want to keep your current relationship you could look into therapy to explore if there's a reason why you feel an aversion to sex with men. Negative views of sex, adverse experiences, sexual trauma, depression, anxiety disorders, stress, relationship issues, social conflicts can all have an effect on our interest in sex. A therapist can help you work out any issues and come to a place of acceptance.
You mention you can form deep emotional connections with both men and women. Is there a difference in how these connections feel (beyond the desire aspect)? I also noticed you said you can fall in love with men. For me this was (and still is) the biggest barrier and the thing that really affirms the idea that I am gay rather than bi/pansexual. Is it possible you have conflated the feeling of deeply loving someone and being in love with someone? Your issues with sex may indicate homosexuality but I think it's worth looking beyond this, to look further inward and focus more deeply on how you feel in heterosexual relationships generally, and how you might feel in a relationship with a woman.
