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extreme anxiety over same sex attraction

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ThePleb, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. ThePleb

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    So, I've been dealing with some weird shit since i can remember.
    it all started when i was 11 years old, i don't really remember the details, but i think i remember being attracted to a kid my age, and this made me extremely anxious, a way i can't really describe, i developed an extreme phobia to school and almost didn't finish 6th grade, i went to a therapist for a yeat but ended up not being able to talk about it.
    now, things got a bit better during this gap year where i barely went to school (it somehow helped me learn english) but the anxiety kicked up again in my first year of high school, when i was kind of attracted to a boy, again making me feel extremely depressed and anxious.
    over the years i had a couple more crushes like this, wich felt like complete hell, i wasn't enjoying them one bit
    now, let me talk about this attraction for a moment, it's weird to say the least, first off i can safely say i HATE IT, It doesn't feel nice or enjoyable, i felt fear every time the guys im attracted to are around, I've never had actual fantasies about them and i don't enjoy the thought of being with them, kissing them or anything like that, the most permanent sensation is a feeling of choking when they're around me.
    i also tend to notice guys walking around, and even if they initially catch my attention, if i try to imagine myself doing anything sexual with them i feel weird and it mostly feels wrong.
    I've tried watching gay porn or stuff related to "hot/naked guys" and it doesn't seem to work, my thing stays mostly flacid and some times i even feel a slight repulsion, even so, a part of my mind tells me that "i actually enjoy it"
    now, about my attraction to girls, i think it's been affected by this whole thing, at first glance i seem to have a normal attraction to them, I've had two strong crushes on girls and the felt SO RIGHT, i was feeling normal and safe from my fear for the first time of my life, it was beautiful, i dreamt about them, constantly fantasied about them and it was easy to get aroused thinking about them (mostly the last one, wich i still like, i can easily get a boner if she talks to me in a cute way) but i don't tend to notice all that many girls while walking around or doing things, it's kinda strange and i feel like i should notice them more.
    my best guess is that i either have repressed my feeling in an extremely way or i simply have Homosexual OCD, wich I've been researching for a while now.
    what do you guys think?
     
  2. Gravity

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    First off, about "Homosexual OCD" or HOCD, as it's sometimes called. Many places talk about this as if it is a separate condition, a distinct disorder that causes a person to hyper-fixate on their sexual orientation. But the truth is that it isn't. If there were different kinds of OCD that were all labelled and diagnosed according to the object of fixation, then there would be billions of kinds of OCD in the DSM (the manual of mental disorders for psychiatrists in the United States), but there isn't. So if this is the only thing you ever fixate on, and you don't fixate on anything else, then it's very unlikely that this is a case of OCD.

    From what you've written, it sounds like you do experience some attraction to men, despite not wanting to, despite feeling pressure not to, etc. It's entirely normal to feel ashamed of these attractions at first, especially if you have been given some negative impressions of what being LGBT is about. But with time and effort, this shame will decrease and eventually go away. But you do need to find some positive impressions about being LGBT, and some reinforcement from people around you.

    It also sounds like you do have some attractions to women, though it seems like the primary pleasurable feeling you get from these attractions is "relief" from the fear that you might be attracted to men. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to both men and women - many people experience this - but it's important to know also that being attracted to women won't "fix" or change your attraction to men.

    Finally, about porn - it's generally a very bad indicator of where your attractions lie. I would pay attention to people you notice in person. Porn could get a sexual reaction in anyone, or could confront you with an overload and make you feel defensive, in the case of gay porn. So I wouldn't use this is a test.

    So, what has been your experience of gay or bisexual men before now? What do you think about them, and what do other people around you think of them?
     
  3. ThePleb

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    I personally have no problem with the LGBT community, i'm actually quite supportive, although I've always found flanboyant gay guys a little bit off putting (i feel the same way about girls with that type of personality tho) neither do my parents, but some of my friends and people around me like distant family seem to be quite homophobic, i sincerely don't care much about the idea of coming out or the complications it might convey, hell, if i truly enjoyed the idea of being with a guy i wouldn't care one bit, but i truly don't.
    about OCD, i know that HOCD is mostly a nickname for an obsession people with OCD have, i came to the conclusion i had HOCD after having extreme intrusive thoughts about other subjects I'm still dealing with, this made me look into my psst and realize a bunch of obsessional beheviors i had over the years, the most primary being this extreme and crippling fear of being gay.
    one last thing, and i don't want to sound like I'm denial, but i really like the idea of being with a girl despite the relief that it might cause me, believe me if it tell you that my last crush was the biggest and most genuine i had in my entire life, i felt in love.
     
  4. Tomás1

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    ThePleb:

    Your story is interesting … I can relate to it.

    What do u HATE about your attraction to other guys?