Hello All, I haven't been to the forum in a while, but for the last few days, I've been catching up on the LGBT Later in Life posts. And I wanted to reach out to all of you struggling to let you know it does get better. I came out when I was 42. I'm now 46. When I came out, I was in an abusive marriage and I wasn't working. In the months immediately coming out, my husband moved out, took my car, and cut me off completely, leaving me with about $250 and a mortgage. I was unemployed and completely broke. My husband took me to court multiple times, forcing my attorney's fees up. I bounced a check for the first time in my life. I had to borrow money from my father in order to stay afloat. Hoping to return to my former place of work, where I had been for seven years, despite an opening in my old department, I was turned down by the very people I had hired and who I counted as my friends. Bills piled up. Debt piled up. I found myself unable to support myself for the first time in my life. My ex threaten to out me to any potential employer. His family members, who had always been kind to me, sent me ugly emails. In the wake of financial disaster, I was struggling with depression and infertility and all of their accompanying weight. No health insurance meant paying full price for anti-depressants, pushing me further into debt. It was bleak. It is now four years later. I am employed by a large, LGBT friendly university in a job that pays me the same as my old job and offers much better benefits. I am married to a wonderful woman and understand for the first time in my life what it means to be truly in love with someone who isn't family. I have loving, generous in-laws. We live in a home I love in my favorite part of town with way too many pets. My father made a gift of the money he loaned me, and I'm no longer in debt. I was lucky--I had resources (such as my father) that I could count on to help me through the rough patch. I know not everyone is so lucky. I do not have children, so there was no wrangling over how my decisions would impact their lives. I had the background and skills to get a job similar to what I had before. My life is not perfect, but it is so much better than I ever imagined it could be. And that's my message to all of you who are struggling now. When I first came out, I was incredibly thankful for EC--to know there were others out there in my shoes filled me with immeasurable peace. I'm still thankful for this community and the help it provides to so many. It is so difficult, isn't it, to come out now. When so much in life was thought to be settled. Your decisions impact so many people you care about. But there is a path. And it's worth it. And while it may sound trite, I'm now thankful for that dark period in my life. It taught me so much about myself and how strong I can be. I'm better and happier because of it. This can be you. Yes, it will cause disruption. But it will also cause immense growth and open possibilities you never imagined. I wish everyone struggling with their identity later in life peace and fulfillment. Z
Your post meant more to me today than you can imagine. I am no longer a religious person, but I do have a deeply spiritual soul and stumbling on posts like this- at a time when I need to read them most- I am reminded that the universe is not done with me yet. There are still tough days ahead, but it will get better. The path to the peace we all seek is not without its trials, but it will be beautiful when it is achieved. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Aww that's such a great story. I'm glad you are in such a good place now. It's great that you have posted it here I am sure your story will help so many others with their struggles.
Thank you so much for sharing this. So happy to hear you've rebuilt your life and are now in a loving, respectful and content relationship living your life for you. I'm at the start of divorce proceedings and my ex is being incredibly selfish, bitter and nasty. Your post has given me a boost ❤️
Hi Zoe!! So nice to hear from you after all these years and so happy to hear that you have recovered so well from that rough transition! I know what you mean by vindictive exes...I am, after four and a half years, still dealing with her shenanigans, but I am in a much better situation and can defend myself much more effectively, Her days of lawsuits against me will soon be over, I will no longer tolerate her pathetic attempts at intimidation; whatever issues between us will stop, by all legal means at my disposal. I wish it had been an amicable divorce, but there is zero hope of that ever happening, I have shed that naive notion, and none too soon! Yes, it DOES get better! I am in a beautiful live-in relationship with my partner, life is good and I am truly in a better place; better than ever in fact! Thank you for taking the time to remind everyone here who needs to hear, that with time, being true to oneself is the best way forward to a brighter future!
As others have said, thank you so much for sharing your story! It is very beautiful and inspiring. In the midst of this mess it's hard to see past the pain and confusion. All we can do is have faith that things will get better. I am so happy to hear you have made it to a much better place after such a hard transition. Thank you again for sharing!
Thanks for sharing your story. I think it is really telling about the power of this forum and the communal positive energy in this virtual space. A space where strangers across our earth share their deep fears and, yet, here we are with intelligent, thoughtful support. So, I appreciate and think it's really cool that you came back, so to speak, to check in and continue to support in this space. I'm in the middle of all this. My marriage was co dependent, intense. We have love that will always be there. Our separation was unbelievably emotional, dramatic, and anger filled. Lots of yelling, screaming and crying. Blaming and anxiety. Anyway, we are getting used to our new coparent relationship. We are trying to normalize and build a respectful new relationship. I can see how it will get better. It's like a marathon though, not a sprint.
i joined EC about a year after you did. i remember a lot of what you referenced from your posts back then. so happy things have become so much better for you. and yes, it does get better even if its just us becoming comfortable with ourselves as we are and as we are discovering who we are.
Thank you so much for this reminder. And for sharing your story. There is a certain strength and understanding of our own resilience that can only be recognized and embraced by making it through the dark periods. And sometimes they can be VERY dark. But as you have detailed, eventually there is light. Wishing you continued happiness with your wife, your abundance of pets, and your job, which sounds supportive and wonderful! Thanks again for sharing your story.
Thank you for giving us more hope It is true then, when I was in grade school, this was my motto "Behind the clouds of sacrifice, lies the reality of golden dreams."
Thank you so much for sharing. I am very much at the beginning of my journey. Some days I don't feel like I want to continue down the path of being authentic because of everyone I am hurting. I am still learning to put myself first. That's when I come to EC and read a post like yours that makes me want to continue on. Thank you.
Hi Greatwhale, Thanks. I have to say, I was glad to see you were still active on the site. I followed you quite a bit a few years back and thought you always had good advice to offer. I'm glad you're still here. Likewise, it does my heart good to hear you're in a peaceful place in your life. Vindictive exes aside, it sounds like things are going very well for you. Thanks for chiming in on the thread--I think people need to hear that there is life after coming out, even if it's a rough path to get there. Z
