Rambling thoughts I need to write down. . . bare with me I know I am in the closet for so many reasons, and by doing so, I am sacrificing myself each and every day. The homophobia is toxic here, and usually I can tolerate it. But this weekend, I was bummed out. I mean, why do I need to conform to what others say I need to be? Am I that easy to push around? Yes, I admit, my husband has a lot of control of me. There are boundaries now, but I am used to being told what to do, what to think, what to say. . . because I feel I am not good enough. Over the years, atelophobia has played a big role of who I am today. Because I feel I am not good enough, my mother, my husband and may be some of my friends have shaped me to who I have become. But I am good enough. Boundaries can still be established. With the many years of emotional, mental and physical abuse, I now live with an anxiety disorder. Fear has a lot to do with who I am. I used to walk on egg shells, the fear of making the wrong move, the wrong decision, the wrong meal and even the wrong utensil drove me. Not anymore. I am getting used to being loved, and there are moments where fear comes knocking. Out of fear, I had pushed away the fact that I like females. a few years ago, out of fear I explored her body. . . went through internal homophobia and dealt with suicidal thoughts. Through therapy, I came out on my own two feet with my own thoughts and feelings. I accept myself for who I am, and I am content. Not because my mother tells me so, not because my husband tells me to. I am bisexual, and there's nothing wrong with that. Now, why am I in such a foul mood about it? Because there is no one here for me. . . as long as I am in the closet. Sad.
I am out to quite a number of people, but they also understand how homophobic my mother is so they are kind enough to keep it to themselves. Most do not like to talk about it, too so I really don't have anyone to talk to about the struggles I face being in the closet. Staying in the closet seems so simple, and yet it is complicated. . .
Yeah it definitely is. I am sorry you are in that position. Are their any LGBT groups near you that you could join?
Unfortunately no, I am in an isolated community. Empty Closets is the only LGBTQ community I am a part of that I know my mother will not follow me on.
Hey there, I'm also in the closet, bi and married. Being in the closet is ok for me, I've accepted it a few years ago. Just like you, sometimes I feel it's ok, sometimes it sucks. There are so many of us here in EC. Before I joined, I thought My situation was something unique, boy I have never been so wrong. I wish you well.
I'm sorry you are so isolated. I'm not sure I have any magical advice for you but if you are ever feeling bored and lonely, feel free to write on my wall and chat anytime.
