Background: I was in a hetero marriage for 21 years. Two kids 20 & 17. I now have a girlfriend and she's wonderful. I'm there sexually, romantically, emotionally, intellectually. But I'm not sure I can do the domestically. She's been a mother for 11 years and homemaker. We each are house proud but both do that differently and we have our own way of maintaining our homes. I fear if we were to live together we would drive each other nuts. Any insight from other older homemakers?
Hi there! Welcome and congratulations, first of all! Us late-in-life-lesbians are a mighty army, aren't we? I know so many now. OMG, I hadn't even considered that issue. If I ever get to that point with a girlfriend, I won't have that problem, because I am essentially like a guy in college. Don't give a damn about the house, and I do a really terrible job with it. Now, if I wind up with someone just like me, we'd better make enough money to hire a housekeeper, LOL!
Domestic relationships work best when the workload is shared. That's true regardless of the sexualities of the people. Of course, this doesn't mean an equal share of cooking, and an equal share of laundry, and an equal share of vacuuming, etc. It means that of all that needs to get done, that there is an equitable sharing of that workload. Maybe you're better with yard work or gardening? Maybe you're better with bill paying and keeping the financial matters organized? Cooking, cleaning, shopping, home repair, vehicle maintenance, yard maintenance.... there are so many ways for you each to contribute. Resentment builds when one partner feels there is an inequality in the sharing of duties. So make it equitable for a more harmonious household. Take care.
That's it though, I think she will end up being resentful. I work and she doesn't. I can get up and go to work and leave the bed unmade and yesterday's clothes on the floor and dishes undone and do that stuff when I get home. But because she's home all day she does all that stuff immediately. I like to pick up after myself in my own time. She likes to pick up and then gets into stinkin thinkin mode.
My girlfriend and I both had independent households (no kids tho - not sure if that matters). And we are very opposite. She is a neat and tidy person and I am much more lax. I'll put the dishes away and clean up after work. She does it before she leaves. I will sacrifice the way my home looks to not be late for work. She will show up late for work than leave the house a mess. I'll be honest, for the most part -- I've been the one to change. I know that if I leave something til later, she'll end up picking up the pieces. I hate that. So I find myself doing it not because I actually care about the task, but because I don't want to leave it for her to do. I hate that WAY more. And if I'm being honest, I really find it a lot nicer to come home without having to greet a mess. That being said, she knows that running late for things bugs the ever loving crapola out of me and stresses me out. So she has been working on doing things in a more timely fashion so that we aren't running late all the time. I don't know if there is really a "right way" to do this, but so far it's working for us.
So I have a question, if you work and she doesn't how does she support herself, or will you be supporting her. I'm just wondering because I'm not saying she should have to "pick up after you" or you should intentionally be messy, but if she is home and not working she should be doing more of the housework than you. Lots of heterosexual couples have that same type of arrangement.
My thoughts sort of mirrored Zumbaqueen's. If I were to just read the barebones of your situation my assumption would be that you would be the one who would be resentful, not her. At any rate talk it out. Resentment is clearly in the eye of the beholder.
You know, no two people do anything the same way. That includes house work and chores. I think the key is to respect the differences and someone else's way of doing things. I'm pretty laid back in my housecleaning style. I have a big problem getting my clothes from the laundry basket to the drawers. But I do make sure we are not going to catch any diseases from the bathrooms or kitchen. But I'm damned near anal about having all the shoes straight and aligned at the front door. So, y'all will work it out with communication if you do get to that point. I do think generally the longer you live by yourself, the more you like to do things your own way! On a final note, housework was a point of contention between me and my husband. He barely did a thing. And you know what? He used to exclusively use the basement bathroom. And god damnit, he did not clean it when he moved out. And it is fucking disgusting. With the toilet never cleaned, the shower all disgusting, and even little hairs all over from man scaping. It's been months and I am kind of ashamed to say I haven't cleaned it. Because it's so gross and it pisses me off he had the audacity to leave it like that! I have two other bathrooms so I just keep the basement bathroom door shut. I know that's bad.
She is on a disability pension, she broke her neck at work 8 years ago and had a fusion. I think because I ran a house for 20 years I'm not liking the thought of having a house ran for me. I quite like doing housework. Just to my own schedule.
I think it's really a matter of communication, with a good dose of tolerance. I continue to share a home with my ex- wife of 35 years. At the beginning of the month my boyfriend moved in, so we're now a three-person household. We have differing tolerances for cleanliness, but all appreciate having a reasonably clean and tidy home. We've got a chore list (my ex- is great for making lists and checking things off) to make sure stuff gets done and the workload shared reasonably. The important thing is that no one feels they're doing a lot more than their share while the other is slacking.
So by 'she gets into a stinkin thinkin mode' do you mean she gets grumpy about it? My second question is have you both discussed the situation with each other? Does she pick it up because she feels she has to or she wants to? I am sure there is a compromise to be had that will suit all parties you just have to find it.
Yeah her internal dialogue gets going with "why do I do everything" she currently has an 11yo daughter and a flatmate who do nothing. We had a chat on Saturday and I told her some of how I'm feeling. She did say she's not the type to ask for help but she would want help. She thinks it'll be different when we live together because Saturday mornings will be spent each doing our own domestic things rather than me visiting at her house and sitting around while she does her domestic things.
Well i thiñk communication being open is the key. You said yourself you are happy and like doing it just in your own time. I think maybe also there is a difference in acknowledgment as in if she was tidying and cleaning for you and her you are more likely to be grateful and acknowledge her efforts more than her daughter and flatmate. Maybe she can start some kind of chore chart for her daughter? I'm not going to say that from the day you move in together it will be perfect bliss, I mean it might be but it mightn't just take a little while for everything to settle and everyone to take their place. You will figure it out though.
