I feel bad for not going to Pride. When did you late in lifers attend your first pride?

It hasn't even been a year since coming out to myself, but I feel bad about not going to Pride this year. Have any of you late in lifers been to Pride yet? If yes, how long after coming out to yourself did you go? I feel like it's a rite of passage somehow.

 

I've been 3 times, the first being one year after joining EC. One event I go to is the afternoon festival at the beach on the day of the parade where the parade ends. There are vendors and community groups there and I just wander up and down the booths and maybe take a look at the parade but can't usually see much because of the crowds but I don't mind, I'm just there to take it in a bit. I always cycle there and for some reason it always manages to be the hottest day of the year so it's kind of a sweaty, headache-y day but I'm always glad I've gone.

The first year, I was a little nervous but kept telling myself anyone could be there as it was open to anyone at the beach. At one booth, they were giving out stickers you could choose from depending on how you identified. The first year, I took an ally sticker but this year, I took a Team Lez sticker. It was somewhat of a shock that I was able to do that but given that the girl giving them out was from the LGBT centre, there wasn't ever going to be an issue. I thought that was the first time I took that one but cleaning up recently, I noticed I had 2 of them. Can't even remember taking that one. Haha.

The other event I really like is the Pride race. You can run or walk. In costume or not. As a run, it's great because the depth of field is small compared to other runs in the city so I always get a better placing in my category. ;] I had to walk it this year due to an injury but it was very pleasant and I ended up walking with a woman who was visiting the city with her gay friend. She wasn't gay. Oh, well. It was still pleasant and people chatted as we passed each other.

I don't think you have to feel bad about not going. You just need to pick the event(s) which are within you comfort zone so you can maximize the chances that you'll enjoy yourself.

 

I came out to myself in 2014 and out to everyone in 2016. My first pride was July 2016, so now I've been to two.

 

Never been to a Pride event and I don't feel any need to ever go.

 

Hey don't feel bad. You don't need to go to pride to confirm your identity within the LGBT group. If you find it's somewhere you want to go then you will make it one year. I always think these places are easier if you can go with friends or a partner so no worries maybe next year.

 

I've been to at least one a year with one exception for twenty-five years. I quite enjoy it but I don't think it's somehow necessary.

 

I'm planning to go to my city's Pride next weekend.

 

I came out in April and went to the Pride parade in July this year and I was glad I went. Next year I might try one of the other events like the run.

 

I had the opportunity this summer, but I hid out in my apartment... Baby steps, LOL. I think next year, I'll be out there.

 

I came out very young, at 16, in the 1980s...but I have only been to pride twice. I mean, I see the need for it, but its just not my thing, all in all. So I wouldn't feel bad; I just don't relate well to mainstream gay culture, and always feel sort of out of place, so I'd rather do other stuff, I guess.

I dunno, maybe one year, I will do dressed as a giant, fluffy skunk, I think that would be fun. Maybe they have furries now, at these things, I will have to check!

But don't feel guilty if ya don't go...to each their own. It just seemed kinda boring, to me.

 

Well, if it makes you feel better: I've been out since 2009, and still haven't gone to one yet.

(And while I normally am dedicated to bringing the best support and advice, I am going to take this thread to vent a little, as the topic hits close to home)
I actually do feel bad about my own avoidance of pride and, by extension, all IRL gay socialising.
There's nothing really stopping me from going except for the irrational fear that the gathered gay people in attendance will decide I don't fit in and tell me to never return. Or that I'll just fail to relate to the very people who should be my "tribe". Or that I'll sin against some unspoken rule of gay society.
All of this despite being perfectly out and OK with occasionally not fitting in among straight people.

What's even more ridiculous is that my boyfriend WILL go to pride in his hometown, and then send me the sweetest pictures and stories and heartfelt exhortations not to miss it next year. But we both know that next year, I'll manage to schedule something urgent right on Pride week again and manage to avoid it for another year. And he's too sweet to just drag me to one.
It's been like this for years and I am frankly getting tired of these eternal cycles of wanting to go and then chickening out again.
(okay, rant over)

Personal frustrations aside, I DO feel like the others are right.
It isn't some rite of passage that you have to go to or lose your gay membership card. And you definitely shouldn't go before you're ready. If you need another year of coming out to people and building up your confidence, then that's perfectly OK!

At the other side of the spectrum, don't build it up into more than what it is. A group of people celebrating diversity. It isn't your only chance to meet or interact with gay people. The more you build it up in your head, the more intimidating it becomes. While it really is just a big festival that you can hop into or out of at your leisure.

If you want to go, maybe start planning this year? Check when the dates for next year are. See if you can find a friend willing to go with you. Do some research on what there is to do. And maybe even just limit your first foray to an hour or so if it feels like a bit too much otherwise!
And when you do, share a few stories for those of us who are at risk of chickening out ;-)

 

I came out 12 years ago in 2005 and I have never been to one. Don't plan on ever going. Just not my thing.

 

Hi Rana:

I've been out, more or less, for 33 years and haven't ever been. Not my thing either (especially crowds). :0)

 

Hi,
I went to my first one this year and that pretty much was the last push I needed to start coming out. I saw the love and acceptance of the community met some friends with their partners.
In general I am not the kind of person to do extravagant stufd, but it was definately worth it for me.

 

I came out a year ago and attended our community's Pride festival for the first time this summer as a vendor. But like others have said, you don't have to go to a Pride festival to feel good about yourself as a gay person. But is a very open and accepting event.

 

Hello all,
Thank you so much for your stories and perspectives. I love reading about all of you. If there's one thing I've experienced on EC, it's that most members are smart, sensitive, kind, and insightful. I'm very lucky to consider you beautiful people as my community.

As for Pride, I think I'd like to go next year just because I'm curious about it. This year I was so busy dealing with all the emotions and repercussions of coming out to myself that I wasn't really in the mood for Pride yet. It hasn't even been a year that I've come out to myself but it feels like I've been through an emotional minefield. It took many months just to not feel anxious every day.

On the flip side, after several months I started to feel more whole as a person than I ever have in my life (not to mention so many questions I had about myself were answered). I feel like the puzzle pieces are coming together finally.

What does all this have to do with going to Pride? I guess I felt bad about not being emotionally ready for it. But I would like to go. Thanks guys for your unique opinions. You rock!

 

Filip, thanks for your comment above, it means a lot hearing that from a moderator!

My guy and I went to the local Pride festival shortly after we came out and got together. It was very exciting to be able to walk around the whole area holding hands and not worry about anything, and it was certainly an interesting experience, but the truth is, it left is a bit cold. The whole thing seemed so geared towards people much more extroverted and, well, stereotypical than we were (or are). We're a couple of very quiet guys who don't dance and have never been into bars, middle aged and only two tattoos and no piercings between us (hah!). We went through the section on the local gay history and actually left for a bit for a quiet dinner, then returned , walked around a little more and left. It all seemed far more over the top than we have ever been in any aspect of our lives.

The experience brought up a question that we've both pondered many times, namely, how much does our sexual orientation define who we are as a person? I'm quietly and unflinchingly out pretty much everywhere. I don't advertise, but I hide nothing, and my partner's picture is on my desk at work and I chatter about him the same way other people talk about their spouses. He's at my side for my kids' school events and we're very open. I've had people who I tactfully said nothing to because of their upbringing, ask me about him and be surprisingly positive; I've had a casual Facebook acquaintance ask me privately how I managed to come out to my wife, because he felt it was time and didn't know how to do it. The fact that I'm gay is no secret.

But when I went to Pride, I had the odd feeling that for a lot of the people there, being gay was a far more central aspect of who they are than it is for me. For me, using "gay" as the standard adjective to describe who I am - gay dad, gay Catholic organist and singer, gay account manager etc. - seems as unnecessary as using grey-haired or nearsighted or Slavic or reserved. What makes "gay" so significant that it defines the whole person?

When I considered coming out in my 20's, one of the things that stopped me were they gay people I actually did know, for whom being gay WAS so much the center of who they were - their community, their political and religious beliefs, their friends, their relationships with family members. I never felt like I could devote that much of myself to my orientation, even with as rudimentary an idea as I had of it at the time, and they made it pretty clear that I wasn't really part of the crowd. I guess I still felt that way when I went to Pride. I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to suggest that Pride is a bad thing. It just doesn't speak to everyone in the same way, and that's OK. My community has a local German festival and I wouldn't feel comfortable wandering around in lederhosen and an Alpine hat despite being almost half German either. We are who we are.

 

(first off... apologies for being drastically off topic with this post. But the topic does hit close to home and since the OP is apparently happy with the answers so far, I'll risk hijacking/derailing the thread just a bit)

Well, former moderator. Or former advisor, to be perfectly accurate. It has been over a year since I was here in any official capacity.

I will admit, you noticing that made me quite happy. Back in my advisor days I considered it quite improper to rant about my own issues. And partially I do feel like a big hypocrite. I have written tons (literally thousands) of posts and PMs over the years advising people to put themselves out there (and seeing the positive replies to a great many of them), and here I am unable to even contemplate going to a gay bar without crawling into a foetal ball.

Technically I have been to gay outings. My friends dragged me to a few bars when I first came out. I even had fun (though I never interacted with the locals). For some reason, that never translated into the confidence to go out on my own, though.

Honestly, I think it varies in time and place and setting.
Sometimes I go weeks without it mattering at all.
Sometimes I'll be a weird outlier with my (often quite passionate) opinion on a certain topic among friends or colleagues, and when I do dig down to why that is, there is definitely a "gay" factor to it.
Not entirely fitting in with the majority does tend to change one's perspective on a lot of things whether you want it or not.

Same with this topic, actually. Couldn't tell you why this suddenly annoys me so much. It never really did for the previous decade.
I have great friends, a great boyfriend, a social life that is overly full as it is. And yet I am currently feeling so damned annoyed I don' have any gay friends (well, local ones, at least) and that having just a bit of a gay social life would feel like an enrichment to my life. At which point my inability to do so is becoming rather the letdown.