This is my first post ever. I wanna share my story with you guys. Firstly, I went on a summer trip through Europe three months ago and let's say, it changed my life. I always felt different from the other guys, I mean, I was sure I was attracted to girls but there was this odd feeling about some guys and finally, after meeting a guy in France (a friend of a friend) I had a strong physical attraction to him. So, two months ago I decided to come to terms and I came out as bisexual. Now, to the main story. As I said, I came out as bi two months ago, at the beginning I told my closest friends whom were very chill about it. One of my best friends (a straight guy with a girlfriend), who I met in college 4 years ago, started to talk to me differently, telling me he wanted to spend some time just with me, we usually hang out with a group of friends, I didn't see a problem so we did. We started meeting up to play FIFA and stuff like that, and since then we have grown closer, everything normal. But things got weird about a month ago, I shared a photo of myself in underwear as part of a bet I lost and that day he joked a lot about seeing it on instagram and being very interested in what I was "hiding". Next day he asked me what I thought about him as a man, I told him I wasn't interested in him if that's what he meant, he replied "I am not sure if I feel good or bad about it", with the days he insisted on that topic till I said, "okay, maybe you're kind of attractive", he replied "interesting lol". Then, two weeks ago, he organized a "surprise party" for my birthday at somebody's place. The first odd thing of the night came as we were playing drinking games and one girl asked him "could you ever be with a guy? if so, who?" I realised he checked on me a couple of times before saying No. I don't really like getting too much attention from people so later that night I went out to take some air fresh and within a couple of minutes he reached me and asked me if everything was okay, I said yes and he asked me if he could talk to me about something, he said he had an idea to make more interesting our videogame sessions, "the one who loses a match will take off part of its clothes", I found it weird but I accepted. Last week things escalated quickly, he sent me a pic telling me he was ready to play and he wanted to make sure he was clean in case he loses. I was surprised about it and asked him where he was going with all of it. After joking for a while, he said he wanted to have fun if I wanted the same, then texted me "we should buy some lube and condoms". We started sexting and finally yesterday we meet up to play. So, I won our game bet and after he was just in underwear we decided to go for it, he clarified he wasn't curious about being the passive and I said I was okay with that. It was the first time with a guy for both of us, It was painful at the beginning but things got great after a couple of minutes. Well, after we were done, we laid on bed for an hour or so, joking about what happened and then, we went for a second round. Done again,I said "who showers first", he said "let's do it together", we did. We ordered some lunch and he asked "what are we doing now?", we ended up watching a horror movie, I know he gets scared easily. While watching the movie he hugged me several times and got touchy then he said it was just because of the movie but I didn't feel it that way. Anyway, before he left he said he had lots of fun and that we should do it again any time soon, I agreed and here we are. I guess I'm here to ask what do you guys think about all of it? Had something like this ever happened to you? P.S: english is not my native language and sorry for the long post!
First of all, your "straight friend" is not straight. I think you need to make it clear to him whatever you're feeling. Second of all, he has a girlfriend. Do NOT ignore that he has a girlfriend. Especially because it sounds like you at least know her. I did that once and paid for it in full. I was friends with this one guy, and he had a decent amount of problems with drugs and alcohol. He was questioning his sexuality and his girlfriend is batshit crazy. Of course, he couldn't break up with her because, well, batshit crazy. Long story short, we started spending more time together and that eventually escalated. The girlfriend eventually found out (they always do) and the guy I was with got away with it and the girlfriend flipped and tried making everyone hate me. Just be careful.
Well about the girlfriend, I had lots of thoughts about it, the thing is they're not going well because she has cheated on him twice, I know i'm just trying to justify myself but I don't feel bad about. Second, we made clear that whatever happened it was just going to be just for fun but now he's saying he wants to do it again so do I, and the stuff with the movie and the shower gave me a lot to think. Finally, I haven't think of my friend as a non-straight guy but now I don't know
It doesn't matter that they aren't doing well. Your friend is obviously sticking with it even though she cheated. That doesn't make him cheating all that much better. Even if it's just for fun, you should probably figure out how he feels about you. Even if you want it to be just for fun, he may think it is starting to become something more. If he is attracted to you sexually and wants to have sex with you, I'd assume he's not as straight as you think.
As @ravenscarlett stated , I don't think your friend is straight either. And the fact that he has a girlfriend gets me concerned . You shouldn't mess with someone who is in a relationship , just for fun or serious. It just never ends well , from my observation . You should make it clear to him , draw a line and if you can , don't cross that line. The just for fun thing suppose to be one time thing and it should stay that way. Just my 2 cents , though
@ravenscarlett @valkyrieofgodod Well guys, I wanna give you an update. The situation is changing quickly. My friend told me he's having a hard time with his girlfriend, she's being passive aggresive towards him and he's fed up. Next week, I'm gonna start working at the same company than him, we're gonna see each other very often and now it concerns me what you said, what if he's not straight but bi? Today we had lunch and talked about what we did. He insited that we have to be extreamly quiet about it and It's clear both of us want it to happen again
Make it clear, he breaks up with this girl if he wants to keep seeing you, otherwise things will quickly flip to being less than pleasant.
He stated he want us to be just "fuck buddies" I also want it but what if feelings start to come out? What if our friends know about it? I live in a highly catholic country and this would destroy a lot. I don't know what my next move is gonna be.
So he is just going to keep you as a side trick and when his girlfriend figures it out shell expose you both... Great plan... Feel free to show him my post on my advice to him, you chose somebody unless your partner has made specifically clear that you are allowed to be with that specific other person too and still maintain your relationship with them.
Listen, if he's not willing to break up with his girlfriend, just end it. It'll only end in heartbreak. I'm not saying to come out right now, but I would try thinking about the future. What would happen if someone found out? What if someone finds out that you're sleeping with him while he has a girlfriend? When I was in your position, I got called a slut and the girlfriend twisted the story to make as many people hate me as possible. Is this worth losing your friends over?
I have to agree with what's been written. Put yourself in the girlfriend's position. Would you want someone you care about cheating on you with someone of the opposite sex? Hopefully not. So don't be the that person. Your friend isn't straight. He might be bi, but I think it's also quite possible he's gay, and is in the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance)... and he's "bargaining" right now ("OK, I like having sex with guys, but I still have a girlfriend, so it's OK as long as it's just a fuck buddy"). So he needs to make a decision. You or his girlfriend. This also isn't healthy for you, because you're in second position. If you have any sense of self-worth, you won't allow yourself to be used like this either, because *you* deserve better. Get clear with him, let him make his decision, and then decide whether you want to pursue a relationship with him. Do keep in mind that he's cheated on his girlfriend and so... his trustworthiness is going to be in question going forward, and it isn't outside the realm of possibility that he'll do the same to you that he did to her.
Thanks for the advices guys. I'm gonna let things cool down for a bit and then I'm gonna talk to him about the future and what could happen.
Hey guys, it's been a month already and things aren't going well. As I said last time, I talked to him about what happened, he said he wanted to keep his girlfriend but he admited to have some sort of atraction towards me and said "I find guys disgusting, but I feel different with you" Last week everything screwed, his girlfriend broke up with him because apparently she has been seen another man, he came to talk to me because he was feeling terrible, he told me he truly love her and he didn't want her to leave, I told him to give her some time to think straight. But guys, I don't think they love each other any more, it seems more like they were used to each other This week we spent a lot of time together and we have been texting all the time. On friday , we went to a birthday party and his girlfriend (?) was there too, they talked for a long time and he said everything was fixing up. Later that night, his girlfriend told me "I need you to make him realize that I'm not gonna be with him anymore, I want to live new things and I don't feel like he can give me that" and it's killing me because I feel I can't do that to him. Later, I started making out with one of our friends but I stopped her, I told her I had so much going on in my head. I don't know why but I told her I have had sex with one very close person, another man, she inmediatly guessed who I was talking about, I started to cry a bit and she said she couldn't believe we did that but she understood why I was feeling like that. She told me, "if you have sex with your best friend it's beacause you feel something, even more if it's with another man", she thinks he might have feelings for me. I begged her not to tell anyone ever, it would destroy my friendship with him. I know I failed him because I told someone but I was feeling really bad in that moment. I do hope she keeps it to herself. Anyway, she got mad at him because she thinks he's not being sincere with himself because of what his family would think of him but we agreed he's definetily not gay. He could be Bi and be confused, I don't know. She said the best for me it's to take some distance but I feel I can't do it, I love him very much, as a friend, and I can't leave him when he needs me the most. I don't know what to do.
Hey @Graywolf94, I think your friend is absolutely right when she advised you to take some distance from him. You're potentially walking into a minefield. As @Chip said earlier, your friend is most likely still coming to terms with understanding and accepting his own sexuality. If you are in a relationship with him, his behavior towards you while he is still dealing with this is likely to be erratic (on-again/off-again) which would likely be quite maddening for you. Additionally, you've already seen how hard it is for you to keep your relationship with him a secret. But realistically, what right does he have to tell you that you can't tell anyone else about it? It seems clear that being in any type of secret relationship with him is going to be frustrating for you, don't you think? I would advise you that same way that your friend did. Give him distance. When you do interact with him, try to focus on just being his friend and let him know that you are not willing to entertain any more 'secret' rendezvous' - in other words, he can be with you or with his girlfriend (which doesn't seem likely anymore, based on what she told you), but he can't have both and it can't be in secret because that isn't fair to you. Just my thoughts.
