I need help

It seems like you have to give yourself some time to figure it out. Maybe just take things as they come. Don't force yourself to be something just because you need to be something. If you need to be more masculine or feminine some days you shoud do it. You are much more than gender and sexuality. You don't know. You can accept that you don't know. Sometimes the wisest thing is to admit that you don't know. I don't know my about sexuality and I am almost 30.

I too feel sad sometimes because I have no clue. I would like to have a relationship. People of my age are having kids and I still don't know and won't get attracted to anybody. But you only need that one person you like. That's it. Actually you don't even need that necessarily. I know my gender for sure but that doesn't mean there is no identity crisis. You can still be ok. It's ok to be confused.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You are not hurting anybody. Surely you are a bit gender nonconforming and that alone feels confusing. Gender dysphoria is not fun even if it's not constant. If you are very young it could even go away later. I have heard that it could happen. It's still confusing. Your feelings are real though. Labels are too just labels so deciding on one now won't help you much. Do what you do and try to live as comfortably as you can. You can come out as questioning and not knowing certain things about yourself too. Maybe you woud feel better if you opened up a little to your friends. They seem accepting enough.

Have you tried packing and/or binding? You could try making yourself look more masculine with make up. I don't know how it works but there are tutorials on youtube. I once tried to turn myself into a pretty girl with water colours and managed to create something extremely creepy. You could try what it feels like anyway. You know, some people also just like cross dressing. Maybe you would like to be a drag king! Who knows? I saw that too on the wonderland of youtube. The show looked fun. If you can get into acting you could experiment a lot there if you find a right group. A lot of non-cispeople seem to like cosplay too and I once went to an event (I didn't really want to but I saw amazing things) and it seemed like a safe environment for experimenting with gender a bit.

Also. If you like cats or dogs or any other huggable animals and you have access to one you should go and hug it and if nobody else can hear you you can talk to them. They understand your feelings. Don't trust horses though. My sister once opened up to one and the next day all the horses were looking at her funny. My grandmother used to tell everything to her cows and my sister also trusts cows so cows are good. Drink some warm tea. Cry. Beat up some pillows. You are ok as you are if you don't hurt anybody.

Maybe you will know someday. Now you don't and now matters too. Try things that seem weird. Try to be comfortable. Feeling of isolation is one of the worst so try to open up if there is somebody who is safe. Your friends seem queer though so I would think they would get it. I think most people experience the questioning state. Usually it won't last long but that short experience should help them understand.

 

Those pillows just sometimes look at you wrong...

I feel your pain. I used to be like you when I was younger although for me the confusion wasn't that long lasting. I still ended up being a man in a female body though and living with that for 16 years. I can't imagine how someone in this situation would not understand you.

Do you know if there is any support groups nearby? Where I live the trans people in groups would welcome you and I can't imagine why they wouldn't. You aren't perhaps trans but you have gender issues and talking with somebody would benefit you. These groups aren't everywhere though, I know, and it might not be same than it is here but you could try. It's usually anonymous. We agree that we don't talk about anything happening there with anyone and we don't know each other if someone says that they just want to be anonymous. We won't say hello if we meet each other elsewhere if they don't want to. I imagine it's like that everywhere because it is a sensitive subject. When I used to go there were usually several questioning people in there.

I kind of wish I was your relative or something in real life. I could give you plenty of pamflets and a couple of books and support. I would know local places to go. The locals here even come to pick you up if you are scared. But yeah, I am in Northern Europe. I tried to think about videos or articles but most of what I know kind of focuses on how tough it is. It's hard to find the actual tools to survive. Also if you wander too deep into youtube you just feel worse. People are a-holes. I run a search for this kind od stuff and came across things like: "This quizz will tell you your gender! Yay!" No. No it won't. These random quizzes always tell me that I am a middle aged woman with two and a half children because I like Angry Birds.

There is a lot of videos about make up that makes your face more masculine though. "Masculine countouring ftm" is propably a good search code although you don't identify as ftm. If you ever want to experiment it's there. There is also a forum called Susans' place. It is for transpeople but it's a friendly place where you can ask questions and find resources too.

And of course there are people willing to talk to you. You are not alone in this world. I am not exactly like you but I can relate. It's not too much to ask to feel like somebody listens to you. If they get mean because you don't know who you are they are stupid. Propably afraid of themselves when it's dark. Unknown is the worst. Not everybody are like that.

 

I like to help people and I am glad if you feel a bit better.

You necessarily aren't trans but you are struggling with the same things now. And there are people who feel like they are both genders. I think some call it bigender. Maybe you have really androgynous brain or something. I don't think there is a certain feeling of being trans really. If I use myself as an example I have never felt being trans. I just always knew I was a man. That is a knowledge that comes from somewhere real deep. In support groups I have noticed that my case is not really the most common one. So many just feel confused or are not ok with some body parts but don't know why.

I know many cisgirls aren't ok with their breasts for example and would like to remove them completely. I think it should be accepted.

These things are scary. I am afraid I don't know so much about sexuality. I am so confused myself and I got no idea of what I like until I see it. I try to just let it be. I noticed though that before transitioning I used to like men who looked like I imagined I would look like as a man. That's a thing. You get attracted to people you would like to be yourself. My preferences have completely changed now. I don't even like men that much anymore.

Something came to my mind. There are people who started transitioning thinking that was the right decision for them and it really wasn't. They are kind of black lambs of the trans community but I think it's important to listen to them too. They have some deep insight. Cari Stella and Carey Callahan are in Youtube. I like those two. They are detransitioned women. It's not your case really but some of their content could help you.

Pushing yourself to think you are trans doesn't do you any good but avoiding the subject in your own head doesn't either. I like to think black and white and hate the grey area too but it is there is a lot of grey between being trans and cis and also between femininity and masculinity and men and women.

 

that was me in 9th grade and now i know that i'm a guy and i always have been. just give it some time. my wall is always open if you need to talk

 

You could tell her you just want to try something new. There was a Playboy model several years ago (her name is Victoria Fuller) that had a shaved head for over a year just because she thought it was cool, and now she's a professional model.