Ok, so I literally just typed this whole thing out earlier, but it got deleted and now I have to do it again. So basically for the past three months I have obsessing over being trans. The thing about it though, is that I have never necessarily been gender conforming. I use to wear my moms heels and cross dress when I was little and now a days I wear make up. (I'm a MAAB btw). The thing about these obsessions is that one day A thought popped into my head that I was trans, but there were some things that led up to this. My dads girlfriend kept saying that I was trans, because I wore make up. So then one day the thought popped up that maybe I am trans, and this scared me and thus the obsession started. The thing about it though, is that I can relate to both TOCD sufferers and some trans experiences. I even read this article about indirect signs of gender dysphoria and it related to me a lot but I also hoped that these were just due to my mental health issues, not being trans. So fast forward to now, and I am living in complete misery. The obsessions are causing me sleep disturbances, and I have started getting these obsessions with parts of my body. For example I keep thinking that I have breasts and this thought is non-stop unless some how I am distracted by something else. When ever I get these thoughts, I get disturbed and have this Ill feeling. Almost like I'm contaminated with something or that I'm dirty. I also keep having weird thoughts about my penis and they make me nauseous. Like I will start gagging and I can't explain it. I'm not sure if this is because the hyperfocus on these areas is making me ill or because of gender dysphoria or because of OCD. Also, when I genuinely think of if I want to transition or not, it doesn't feel like a pressing need or that if I did transition it would make me happy. But then I get scared that maybe this is because my depression is causing me to be apathetic so the "desire" to transition is non-existent. But I have never had a desire to do this before either. And I do not care when people refer to me as a boy. Even when I think about being referred to as a girl it doesn't feel right, and almost as if there was a situation where someone addressed me that way I would not feel like they were talking to me. And I feel like if I really wanted to be a girl I would want to be called by female pronouns and that I would have a positive reaction to the thought. I would also like to point out I have been off and on my meds due to getting sick during this summer and also some stressful events that have happened. I am also having sexual dysfunction issues and the other night I was about to get it on with my boyfriend and at first I was aroused but then I completely lost my erection and I started getting shaky and almost sick to my stomach. And I don't know if this can be attributed to OCD or gender dysphoria. The worst part of it all is that it's gotten to the point where the thoughts don't scare me anymore, If anything I'm just very apathetic but at the same time still suffering and obsessing. I have been having suicidal thoughts because the state I am in right now is just so ######6 bad and I spend probably 75% of the day obsessing. If I were to label myself on the trans spectrum I would be ok with being non-binary but then I wonder if that's just me in denial and that I am full trans. I also don't feel like the label is right or fits sometimes either. This is causing me serious sleep disturbances and all I want to do is end my life. I hate this $#%^ so much, and also I haven't been able to eat as much either because it's just so out of control. But yeah, that's pretty much what's going on. Thoughts?
I'll try to create a more realistic, hopefully, less anxiety inducing image of how it feels to be trans. The reason why trans people are willing to go through what we do to transition is that there is overall a peaceful euphoric feeling when we perceive ourselves as women and men.Yes, it can be frightening sometimes but it is also feels like a weight has been lifted from our shoulders and that helps us take steps forward. It also helps to know that this is our choice, our journey, no one is forcing us to transition or change, we choose to take steps forward and do so at our own pace. If things become too hard to handle, we can always take a step back until we feel more in control of our lives. When I first realized that I was trans, I tried to rush into everything before I was ready to do so. Here I am two years later and honestly, I feel a bit stupid about getting stressed out about time. Things will happen when they happen, what matters is that I am in control of my life and at peace with myself. My advice to you is to treat your anxiety and once things settle down, if you still feel uncertain about your gender identity, talk about it with a therapist and figure it out with them. Transitioning is a journey, as part of the journey, you grow as a person, let go of inhibitions, fears and anxieties and stabilize your life and identity. By treating yourself and your anxieties, you are anyway doing what you should be doing as part of such a journey. While transitioning has a certain meaning in context of people who are trans, it can easily be applied to anyone who is going through a process of change and growth. I do hope you find a way to overcome your anxieties, I know how hard it can be to cope with them and I'm sorry you are suffering as you are. Much hugs, Eveline
