OK, so this is going to be fairly long, but I needed to make it this length so that you are able to see a bit more about me so that it is a little easier to hopefully help. I've only really got one person that I've been able to talk to (meet on a different site), but I need some more advice help. So I am 31 years old. I didn't date at all when I was in school, graduated without going on a single date. That's not to say I didn't try a couple times, but of course I went about it the wrong way; writing a love letter and delivering it to her home with flowers when no one was home. That one actually had me talking to the school counselor because her mom found it first. There was also this one girl that would always call me sexy me I walked by her and she was sitting with her friends. I always thought she was just teasing me as I am not the greatest looking guy (not ugly by any means). I got so mad one day I basically yelled at her to stop calling me that. She never really talked to me after that. I stopped trying or looking after that. When I was in elementary school, around grade 3 I think, I was playing on the teeter-tooter with a girl. Playing Mrs/Mr. Brown, Mrs/Mr. Brown please let me down. I had made the mistake of asking her to show me in the front of her pants and I'd show her in mine (nothing got shown of course), someone a grade higher had heard me and I ended up getting suspended. Growing up when I was in grade 5-7, me and a couple of my guy friends would fool around a tiny bit. The only thing we would do was go into the woods and pee together and hold each other while we did or just play with each other in the bedroom (just rubbing, no oral or anything else). After high school I didn't go on any kind of date until I had moved into the big city, 2.5 hours away from my little town. Went on a few dates with some women, but none would last past the third date. I would always end up doing something dumb, or I was found to be boring, or I wouldn't make any kind of move. I don't drink, smoke, party, go to clubs, don't do any kind of drugs..... I did have one sexual experience when I lived in the city. Moved an old family friend/neighbour in with me. I was 20 and she was 40 at the time. She ended up being the first woman I had seen and touched and tasted. She also let me watch her pee all the time, which was so awesome (yes I have a pee fetish)! We didn't ever have intercourse, but she did suck me once and I ended up fingering her until she came/squirted. We only did this like twice. Ended up moving back to my home town for almost 2 years, then moved to Spruce Grove, Alberta. I went on a few dates, all thanks to online dating. It was basically the only way I could really meet anyone. Again never lasted past the third date, mainly because I would never try to make a move or make out with them. I have never been big into kissing or making out. After I had moved out here I ended up exploring my sexuality a bit and had my first experience with a guy a couple years after I had moved out here. In the ten years I lived out here, I have fooled around with around 12 or so guys, never intercourse. Only found one guy that wanted to try my fetish. I went back to trying online dating. Went on a few dates, had one stalker who after I told her it wasn't going to work between us I almost had to call the cops on. She ended up finding out where I lived and would sit across the street and wait to see when I would come home so that she could try and make it work. I didn't lose my virginity (sexual intercourse) until I was 28. I wish I wouldn't have done it with the girl as she ended up using me and was a pathological liar. I've only had sex with two other women since then. One was a virgin when I met her and the other one had a kid, who is now my ex. The longest two relationships I've had are these last two. One was 8 months and the last one lasted only a year. The previous one I ended up kicking out (she was living with me). She was using me and lied to me. She actually stopped taking her birth control without telling me and a few other things. Didn't have any kind of sex for the last 5 months of the relationship. My last relationship was from ###. She had sent me a message and I replied to it. Sent emails back and forth for a good month before we met in person. She has a daughter from a previous marriage, but she is now divorced and the dad hasn't had any contact for the last year. Ever since then the kid always came on the date. She wouldn't get a baby sitter... Her daughter is 10, was 9 when we had met. She ended up moving into my place the end of October (3 months after our first email). The apartment where they were living in Leduc was making both of them very sick (mold). Everything was going pretty good at first, we had sex on a regular basis, normally 1-2 times a week. They then ended up getting a puppy this year and it kind of went a bit longer between having sex as I didn't like having the puppy in the bedroom, but that is where it slept. Got rid of the puppy because I was allergic to it (pitbull). A couple weeks later ended up getting a 2.5 year old German Shepard cross. It is suppose to be her daughters dog, but it ended up sleeping with us. Tried to get it to sleep on the floor, but it always ended up on the bed. We got a king size bed and it is basically always slept between us. Sex then went to only every 2-3 weeks as I don't like having the dog in the bedroom, but she won't put it out of the room for a while so we can get intimate. The last 3-4 weeks though I haven't really been trying for sex at all because she has been sick. She gets the runs a lot, it is something with her digestive system and the doctors don't know what is causing it. One day she told me she felt I was being distant because we hadn't been intimate in over 3 weeks and asked me if I would prefer if we were just roommates instead. This is actually the second time she has said something like this. The last time was a few months before that and she asked me if I would like her and her daughter to move into an apartment because I wasn't spending much time with them anyways. I was actually trying to get some stuff done for one of my hobbies and to make a craft room for her. I told her that's because I wasn't feeling well for a few days at the start of that and then because she has been sick. I really don't want to us to be having sex and for her to an accident as that would just be gross. On the matter of sex, basically I end up doing all the work. I always have to be the one to start it. In the total time we've been seeing each other she has only ever given me oral three times and it wasn't for very long, would only rub me a little bit. Basically it was always about her. I always make sure she cums/has one orgasm once before moving to intercourse. She is a bigger girl, around 307lbs and has bad knees so during intercourse she is always having to lay on the bed on her back, side or stomach. And she won't have anything to do with my fetish at all (watersports [not even in the shower]). Basically those are the only three girls I have ever had intercourse with. By the time me and my ex broke up, I really wasn't into it anymore. A little bit about me sexually.... I would say I am sexually attracted to both male and female. The thing is though when I am out in public or if I am working, I honestly don't pay attention to most people. It makes it kind of hard when you are talking with the guys and they are saying how hot this girl is or such and I have to fake my way threw it. I have only ever been on dates with woman and have only really had luck with online dating. I am the type of guy that 99% of woman don't want to date. At one point in the past 4 years, I did take and create a profile on ### saying I was looking for a guy to date. I actually got more responses from guys then I ever did from the girls. I don't know why this is, I used the same profile on both my profiles. I don't know if it's just because all they are looking for is sex or if they actually read my profile and thought I sounded like a good guy. When I watch porn videos most of what I watch would be gay porn/fetish or I like to watch lesbian and girls peeing as well and most of it is homemade stuff as I don't like the studio made stuff. I personally don't actually care for straight porn. If I'm looking at pictures then I would say it would be more guys then girls. I think for the most part, I would prefer to suck a guy than lick a woman. Honestly I like seeing a naked woman, but I don't like licking their vagina (don't mind rimming them), and don't really like fingering them. Lately though, after my ex asking if I'd rather us just be roommates and then us splitting and her moving out, I have been thinking a lot. I have also been thinking of perhaps trying to date a guy. I think it might be easier to find someone with similar tastes to me and such and hopefully similar fetishes as well. I am so tired of being hurt by women. These last three have just about taken every piece of how I look at myself and stomped it into the dirt. They have made me feel like I am lower than dirt and that I don't deserve to ever be happy. I would consider myself BI, but I am wondering now if I am actually gay and just fighting myself because of how I was raised. I was raised in a small town, there may have been one or two gay people, but I really have no idea. You couldn't do anything without the whole area knowing and your parents finding out. I have been fighting myself for probably 20 years now. I always thought that by now I would be married and have a family. That I would have what I saw on TV or what I saw in my life with my grandparents and my mom & dad. But after all these years of trying and trying and every chance I gave myself to be with a woman has failed, I'm thinking that maybe I should start listening to my inner self and stop trying to be something I'm not. I'm not straight, that much I know. But these last couple weeks I have been struggling so much with how I should continue on with my life. I don't think I could date a female again, I just don't feel like I am attracted to them and am getting tired of trying to make myself be attracted to them so that I can live what my family considers/taught me is a normal life. All I want is to be happy with someone for the rest of my life and with a family. I have told no one in my family or personal life about any of this, everyone thinks I only like girls. So that comes to some questions..... I've had nothing but horrible luck with any woman I've dated so I'm hoping that maybe dating a guy will be better. I'm tired of being used or hurt and trying to be something I'm not. What do you guys think? Should I try to go on some dates with a guy? If I were to try dating a guy what are some things I should know? I am not looking for a hookup/one-night stand/etc.. I'd be looking for an actual monogamous relationship. What is the best way to go about making sure we would have similar fetishes or willing to try each other's as I feel that it is important to like similar things in and out of the bedroom. you could be a perfect match outside the bedroom and then when it comes time to be intimate you both like totally different things and such. Sorry about this huge post, I have just had a lot going thru my mind lately and I just need someone to talk with. Oh I should tell you a little bit about who I am as a person too! I am a very hard worker, I'm a morning person always waking up between 4:30-6am. I have a class 3Q licence (tandem axle & up with air-brakes). I know how to cook and I like to bake. In the winter time I bake a lot of cookies/squares for my family. I collect and like to play board games, & older video games. I like to go to the beach once in a while or go to the leisure centre to swim. I am 6' tall, about 205 lbs or so with brown hair that is always kept short, normally clean shaven (shave two times a week), brown eyes. I do not like watching sports or going to sporting events. My dad who raised me (step dad), passed away when I was 13 so grew up without a father figure. And my biological dad who I've only known for around 13 years or so already told me that if I was gay that he would never talk to me again, that he would disown me. My mom I am not really sure how she would react and I have no idea about my brothers. I am guessing they would probably stop talking to me as well, but that is just a guess. Thank you for letting me get this all out. I think it helps me a lot to be able to put this out there. It's hard not really having anyone to talk to.
Okay, there was quite a lot of information in your post and it may be difficult to address everything in one reply, so I'll touch on some key points and you can respond as/when you wish. The first thing I noticed is your profile name - gayguy1986. I wondered why you chose this name when you remain uncertain about your sexuality, but consider yourself bi? Just interested, because most people select a profile name that means something to them and there appears to be a bit of a contradiction going on. I'm not asking this question to be challenging, but is it possible that your name is a truer reflection of your feelings? You said: Does the fact that you are faking your way through these conversations, suggest you are not nearly as interested in the opposite sex as you imagine. Where is the unease coming from? The school suspension, during third grade has clearly left a mark on you. In my opinion, it was an overreaction on the part of the school to child's play, but it seems to have remained in your memory as a point of introspection and it's become layered with other early memories, like the fooling around in the woods from fifth to seventh grade and the comments from the girl about you being sexy. All of these memories don't require deep analysis because they occurred during your formative years, but they seem to have become embedded and I wonder if it affected your self confidence. When you were suspended from school how did your parents react and how did it make you feel? Do you still remember it? Reading on, there were other comments that seem to indicate a lack of self confidence and I would suggest this is a bigger issue for you. You said that you always did something dumb... that you was found to be boring... you are the type of guy that 99% of women don't want to date. Is it possible that this negative self image feeds into how you project yourself? If confidence is a problem, do consider some sessions with a therapist to explore where it's coming from and what you can do about it because it will impact on your success with dating. You told us that you tend to watch gay porn over straight porn and prefer to look at guys more than girls. Would I be right in assuming that you fantasise more about guys too? Your fantasies are a better indicator than porn habits. From what you have told us, it sounds like you have never fully explored your attraction to men, even though it appears to be stronger than any feelings for the opposite sex and to that extent you have been suppressing part of your identity. Maybe you need to explore a more intimate relationship with another man in order to discover the truth about your feelings. I do wonder if there is a degree of shame holding you back though. Maybe there are other pull factors, especially when you consider how your dad (and possibly extended family) feels. You talked a lot about your fetish for 'watersports' and I wonder how important this is to you? Whilst it's true that gay men are more inclined to be sexually adventurous you cannot take it for granted that it will happen and I wonder if you are prepared to compromise? Watersports is a fairly common fetish amongst gay men, but if you insist on meeting a guy who shares your interest in this activity you will reduce dating and sexual opportunities, so bear this in mind. Online dating can be hit and miss and you do need to prepare yourself for that, whether you are gay or straight. There are some genuine people using the online route, but there are also lots of people who use online dating for sexual hook ups and you are sure to encounter these types. If you do set up a profile make sure you research the site first because some are notorious for hooking up. Be very clear about what you are looking for and refuse to deviate from your core values and don't get wound up by the dates that don't work out, because it's all a bit of a game, rather than exact science. A better idea might be to join an LGBT social or community group and make friends first. Quite a few questions here and you don't need to answer them all. Some you may prefer to just consider, but it sounds like you gained something from talking it all out.
I honestly don't know why I chose that username. I was going to go with bi instead of gay originally. the 1986 is just my birth year. It is possible that it could be a truer reaction to my feelings. Honestly I don't really know if I am or not. When I first started looking at pictures online, around grade 8, it was only ever women. I can't remember exactly when I started looking at naked pictures of guys. But ever since then, I find myself looking more at guys then women, even though I still do look at women. I really can only remember bits and pieces. I do know that this incident was one from my school years that I have never forgot. I know my mom was mad and I do remember my mom taking me into town where my grandma worked and she made me tell my grandma why I wasn't in school. I can't remember how she reacted though. It is very possible it had an effect on my self confidence. I have never had strong self confidence for as long as I can remember, or at least since high school. It is also very possible too that when the mom of a girl I had dropped a love letter off to at her home when she wasn't there and got the school and school counselor involved really had an effect as well. From that point on I never thought about asking another girl on a date or anything while I finished school. I went my whole high school life without a single date and at grad I ended up walking down the main aisle with a guy because there wasn't enough girls. It is weird though because when I am working I have no problem what so ever talking with/too people. But it is also weird too because at most places I have worked I end up talking more/hanging out more with the older women than I do with the guys. I have never understood why that is. It could very possible that the way I think about myself does feed into how I project myself. It could also be why I haven't had an actual friend to hang out with in the last 11 years or so. That could also be why I have only used online dating. I am not the type of person who goes out to bars/pubs/clubs/etc... so it was always the easiest way to meet people and to actually be able to talk to someone and ask them out. I don't think I have actually asked someone out on a date in person since that last time in school, it has always been thru online dating sites. I feel that way (the 99% thing) because although I do like to go out and do things, I think of myself as boring. Heck I don't drink so that seems to turn quite a few people off, I'm not into sports so that seems to turn people off as well because as a guy I should like sports or be into sports or such.... I have always thought about going to see a therapist, but I can't afford it. I should also mention that I believe a lot of my earlier dates never got past the third one because I never tried to make any kind of move. I have never really been able to read people or their body language to hint to me of what I should do or what I could try and do. And I have never really been into the whole kissing. I have no problems with hugs or anything like that, but have never really been comfortable with kissing. Although I never actually kissed my first girl until I was like 28. I would say you are right when it comes to my fantasies. Yes I do fantasize about exploring and that with women, but over 75% of my fantasies would involve guys. No I have never fully explored my attraction to men. I don't think I have because it really wasn't something that was the norm in the small area I grew up in. I don't think I have because I haven't wanted to disappoint my family, even though I'm sure I have many times already with other stuff I have done and other decisions I have made. You know it's funny, there was this one memory that I can always remember.... After my grandparents had moved an hour and a half away, I would go visit them a couple times a month. there was this time I had brought my friend with me because I was going to buy myself a new vehicle. I remember we were going to be spending the night at their place and I clearly remember my grandma asking me if we wanted to share the same bed or not. It is just one of those things that I have always wondered about, as to why she would ask me something like that. Maybe it is because I had never brought a girl friend home, but it was always guys that I had as friends. Of course I really hadn't thought about doing anything with guys at that point. I don't know if it is shame, it very well could be. Ever since my step dad passed away, he was the one who raised me for from when I was like 1 to when he passed away when I was 13, I think I have been trying to live up to what his expectations I think he would of had for me. I don't know if he would be ashamed of me if I liked guys or not, I really don't. My grandparents, I don't know how they would feel. My mom I think she would still love me, but I don't know if she would continue to talk to me. And my biological father has already told me a numbers of years ago that if I was gay he would never talk to me again. And both my brothers I am not sure how they would feel as I have never really talked to any of my family about any of this. My family is very important to me and I don't know what I would do if I lost them, especially over who I chose to spend my life with. Ya sorry about that, I didn't mean to talk so much about it, I don't know why I did. Really I don't think I needed to put that into my original post, but for someone reason I did. Sorry about that. Oh trust me, I know all about the idiots on online dating. I do agree that there is some genuine people, but you do have to weed a lot of bad to get to the good sometimes. I always make sure to put into any of my posts for online dating that I am not looking for hookups or one night stands, that I am looking for an actual relationship. Well, looks like this turned into a very long post again! I think I answered most of the questions the best that I can right now. Thank you for your reply, this is helping me, being able to talk about this stuff.
Hi GayGuy1986 I think you need to jump into the dating pool and give it try. It's the only way you're going to find out what is right for you. PatrickUK's advice on online dating and joining some LGBT social or community groups is spot on. You have a lot going for you; you're independent, responsible, have a good job, you're a good cook and it sounds as if you keep yourself in good shape. You write well and obviously have a good head on your shoulders. I think you would be considered a good catch by many men looking for a real relationship. I suspect you are at a point of analysis paralysis. It's like being on the beach and wondering if you should go in the water... but a thousand things, past and present flash through your mind and make it hard to even put your toe in. My advice is just jump in. The first minute may be something of a shock, but who knows-- you may really like it. Don't listen to all those "voices" of the past. You are in the here and the now and you want to make your life better... so go for it! While you are on your dates or at your social groups, put aside all the analysis and just have fun. Hope this helps.
I think you should try to explore your attraction to guys a lot more than you have done so far because it seems to align more closely with your feelings and fantasies at this time. Just be clear and realistic about what you want and try to look beyond the internet to LGBT social and community groups. I'm not dismissing online dating altogether because I used it myself and met my husband that way, but do try to broaden your horizons, so it doesn't become the only way for you. Don't get too caught up in labels because it really is a personal decision how we identify. I can't say that you are gay or bisexual... nobody can. It's entirely up to you. We can tie ourselves up in knots trying to find the perfect label and it just stops us from enjoying our life and sexuality (whatever it may be). I would look at some of the confidence issues too. If you can't afford therapy at this time, keep it in mind, because it's well worth it and could help you to move forward in life. You may be surprised how some of those childhood memories have impacted on your feelings and responses as an adult and therapy could provide you with an outlet and roadmap to wholeness. In the meantime, you might have a look at some books that have been written on the subject of self confidence. Coming out to friends and relatives is daunting and can cause us worry and anxiety, but I would be inclined to deal with all of that later depending on what comes of meeting and dating other guys.
