It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been doing a lot of thinking and examining feelings. And I'm still confused, and a little scared. Over the summer I've begun to question whether I'm as female as I think I am. Female terms have become increasingly off putting. I've stopped using them for myself and I feel a bit uncomfortable when people refer to me with certain words. Today while laughing at myself for eating two lunches I thought to myself "well I'm a growing boy!" I've experimented here and there (privately in my mind) with male pronouns and such for reasons I'll get into, but this happened so naturally that it startled me. Which is what has prompted me to post again. Now to get into why I was experimenting with male pronouns. I realized that, just like I struggled with internalized misogyny when I was young, I've never had a positive relationship with masculinity. The only examples I've had in my life have been of the toxic variety. But, of course, that's not the only way. So I decided to open my mind a bit. When a female term like "daughter" felt off to me, I'd replace it in my mind as "son". I expected it to be weird, and it was a little at first, but then not so much? So I took to the internet. I read more in depth about trans men and their experiences, watched youtube videos. And while I didn't necessarily "see" myself in the common trans narrative (knowing from a young age, ect.), I still felt something. A pull I guess you could call it. And it got me thinking and looking at things in a different way. I thought of all the times I've thanked the universe for having a small chest because if I didn't I'd probably cut them off myself if need be. I wondered if I would have known that something might be off when I was younger if my chest had grown bigger. I thought of how I even feel uncomfortable with my small chest in tighter clothing where it's not obscured in some way. After a few rough nights I connected extreme sadness and a feeling of wrongness to my period. It's not something that's happened on this level since I was a teenager, but back then I'd break down sobbing about how wrong I felt and I didn't know why. I thought about puberty. Everyone hates it, but I was pretty adamant that none of those changes were going to happen to me. I wasn't excited about growing boobs like most girls seemed to be. My mom had to pretty much force me to start wearing a bra. And the first time I got my period I denied that's what it was, and I was so mad when my mom gave me the unavoidable reality check. I always chalked all this up to me being weird. Could it be more than that? I also started researching T and its effects, mostly because I hate my voice. At first the other permanent changes involved sounded unappealing and not worth a (potentially) deeper voice. Then they didn't seem like such a big deal. I even had a dream where I was a guy and woke up with a beard and was so happy, and I'll admit I was a little disappointed when the dream ended. There's also my weird relationship with my hair. I hated it all my life for whatever reason, but I cut it very short for the first time this summer. And I actually like it now. Love it, even. I was so happy and relieved when it was gone, and I feel more like myself than I've ever felt. And I've caught myself looking in the mirror looking for the guy I could be, and I can almost see it sometime. Not that hair length or style has anything to do with gender, but it still feels nice somehow. All of this feels very real and intense for varying lengths of time. Then I get scared or overwhelmed and push it away and it's like it never happened. And I can't tell if it's just because I'm scared? Am I suppressing something? Or is my gender just somewhat fluid? And there's the ever present thought of "am I just making this up?" Even the possibility that I might be agender, or partially so, seems less likely or more muddled now. I don't know. I feel like this has turned into a jumble of rambling thoughts. Maybe that's what I need, to ramble. I've toyed with the idea of talking to a couple trans men I know, but that scares me too, like it will make everything even more real. This seems like the next best thing. I don't know if anyone can sort through this enough to offer any thoughts or insight, but I'm open to even the tiniest bit of help.
Hi Grey sky, at first i want to apologies because english is not my best language Is hard to count how many times i felt the as you, i hate my legal female name, and i use a social name but some people feel unconfortable with that 'cause "im a woman" that sucks, im a not a trans, i am Androgyny. Why you are scared to talk with a trans? Dont you wanna know what is happen with you? I now is hard, but you need an aswer, and a trans person can orientate and support you, it can be a freedom change a big hug, best wishes
Hi Grey. I will first say that everything you've written is something I could have said when I was younger. I also never expected to go through female puberty, hated bras and periods, etc. And I only began to question things when I started puberty. Fast forward several years, it turns out I'm a trans guy. I've been out for several years, on testosterone for 6 months now and becoming happier and more comfortable with myself every day. If you ever want to talk about things feel free shoot me a message.
No need to apologize, I appreciate the response Talking to these trans men I know would be freeing. But at the same time it would be taking these private thoughts and making them public to people who know me. Even though I know they'd be understanding that still scares me. Talking to people who don't know me is easier somehow. And even then I'm scared of what I might learn about myself. Because if I do have a guy side as well as a girl side, that would be ok, I feel like I wouldn't have to tell anyone. But if I'm a guy I would have to tell everyone and I don't think many people in my life would be accepting. Thank you! It's hard to organize my thoughts most of the time, but I'll keep this in mind and message you if I can form them into something coherent.
Your narrative sounds to me very typical of people who are trans men. Most trans people begin to feel that something is wrong during puberty when gender dysphoria kicks in. The feeling is often confusing and vague, juat a general feeling of distress or confusion about the changes that you are going through with no real understanding of why you are feeling that way. Personally, I only realized that I was trans at 34, yet looking back, the signs were all there, I just had no way to put them together as I didn't know what it meant to be trans. Coming out and being rejected by your family can be extremely painful, however, it still leads to a feeling of liberation and authenticity which typically does ultimately make your life better even if you are forced back into the closet as I was. I know who I am and I accept my life for what it is, I also feel much more free to express myself as I want to around my family as the last thing they want to do is call me out on behavior that they perceive as feminine. They want me to forget that I am trans and it leads to a forced silence on their part in relation to my gender expression. I chose to go along with my family because I am very family oriented but many don't and in the long run, from what I read, they very rarely regret their decision to move forward with transitioning despite their family's rejection of their identity. One thing to remember is that we are in control of transitioning, we can go as fast and as slow as we want to within the boundaries of how fast the medical procedures can take place in our country. No one can really force you to transition and any actions you take are typically timed to suit your own needs and desires, this is your journey and your life. Hugs, Eveline
I've heard so many stories of people who knew they weren't the gender they were assigned at birth when they were as young as 6 or 7. Even if they didn't know what trans was they still knew they were actually a boy or girl, even if people told them they weren't. I think a lot of my doubt stems from that. So it's helpful to hear from other people who didn't realize until they were older. Thank you. Another thing that gives me doubt is I didn't have any lightbulb moment when I learned about trans people. That seems to be another common thing. To me it was just another piece of information. I didn't start questioning and wondering if I was something other than cis until I read a post somewhere that said "if you don't feel like a boy/girl, you might not be, and you don't have to be." I'd read similar things before, but for some reason that hit me on a personal level that day. I'm sorry your family isn't accepting. I have hope that with a lot of work at least my mom and a few others might be ok. It's just the work part of it that's daunting since I'm not in a place in my life where I could handle it. But, whatever I might be, I don't think I'll trust myself on it fully until I get therapy for some non gender related things. And that therapy would likely help me deal with that work if it ends up being necessary. So there's a silver lining, I guess.
