I'm in college, I'm going on my second week. I find class to be rather boring and the culture they promised in orientation only applies to certain people. Like, all this "we all love and accept each other" stuff was bogus. People look at me like I have five heads and stare and laugh at me. But that's not my big problem, my big problem is: Where do I go from here? And I mean that in the sense that I'm in college, but I've essentially chickened out of being openly trans from the start (for various reasons) and I don't know where to go from here and I'm scared to do anything. It's bizzare how I spend years planning my escape, but in essence I escape nothing and end up doing the same thing as before. Like, who was I to imagine that things would magically change once I got here? Like my life would drastically improve? All I've found is that being alone is good in some regards, but I find myself missing even the worse moments with my family. And nobody up here wants to even talk to me and the first impressions I've made have probably screwed me over. Although, I am very well being the real me and people don't seem to like it. And I really don't want to change to align myself with other people and what they expect from me, I'm quite comfortable with being my own person and doing my own thing. Essentially, the social environment here is not like I was lead to believe and I'm still in a state of conflict that makes Anakin Skywalker's conflict look like that of a person trying to decide between two almost identical objects. I'm lost now more than ever. I don't know what to do it where to go. And I'm tired of it. I'm a girl, I don't want to be a boy anymore. I don't want that image associated with me. People don't know me, but they don't even try to understand who I truly am. And I cannot change my personality and everything about me, inside or out, to please anybody, including myself. In the end, I'm still the same person. I'm still the hard as a rock loner that I've always been. And I don't want people to come into my shell and violate me or make me feel uncomfortable. And physically, my health deteriorates each day. Now it hurts to eat, no matter what I eat. My doctors all say the same things, my health is getting worse and my weight is the primary source of all my medical problems. And I want to look a certain way, the way I see my true self, but it looks extremely impossible. I am overweight, too tall, too big. I have too much hair. My shoe size is too big. My face is too chubby. My health is terrible. My hair is too naturally frizzy and wavy. My top lip is too short, my teeth show all the time. I have buck teeth, I look like a hillbilly. My lips are always dry. My facial hair grows back way too fast, and shaving is so hard to do. I now have a rash from my CPAP mask, I have two orange lines on my face. I feel less and less capable and confident as the days go by, and I don't know what to do. I'm scared, anxious, alone, angry, depressed, alienated. I'm in a self-imposed exile brought on by the people in my everyday life. I want more than anything to transition. To become this beautiful woman I see in my mind. The girl I see when I look in the mirror. I want to be a girl. I want to be seen as a girl, I want to be treated as a girl, I want to be referred to as a girl. I want it all, the whole package. But I'm lost, even farther down the path of negativity than I've ever been before. I need change, I need happiness. I think it's about damn time I feel genuinely happy without it being a hoax or a temporary moment that goes away as soon as it appears. I want so much, but nothing is happening. And I know that I need to initiate this process and take the first steps in my own, but I don't know where to go from here, this limbo that I sink further and further into with time.
Hey I am really sorry that you are struggling. Firstly it's never too late, you are in a negative place right now but you can still get out of that. Does your college have a therapist or counsellor you can talk to? Maybe they can help you start moving in the direction of transition. What about an LGBT group or a gay straight alliance?
Hi Natasha Elyssa, From my own experience, I have tendency to overthink stuff and cause me to chicken out. I would think about doing something different, but I would think about the worst that can happened. I would forget about the good things that could also happen. What usually helps to calm my nerve is to tell myself that most people are too self-involved, they don't even bother to judge me or at least. In another 5 mins, they would not remember what they saw 5 mins ago. Don't let the first 2 weeks deter you to live the life you have been dreaming of. If it seems that things are hard right now, remember that it won't last forever. I am a timid person and I don't enjoy to initiate social interactions with person. For now, what I have been doing is to keep reminding myself to smile more and make eye contact - baby steps.
Yeah, it's a thing. And my school does have a therapist and a LGBT group, but I don't have the confidence or the courage to entrust my problems to a therapist. And I'm not really into a lot of LGBT club stuff right now, I prefer to stay in the shadows and in small groups and such. To me, a lot of LGBT groups seem to draw a lot of attention to themselves, and I don't really want to draw attention to myself. It's a thing. And if I did go to an LGBT group or center, whatever, I would still be an introvert and would not feel very comfortable. Plus, I've always preferred solo and small group sessions. I'm not a big fan of large groups and stuff. And I feel one-on-one is better because it's more centered on me and my problems, it's more individualized. But I will definately reach out to my school's therapist, thank you.
Yeah, I can relate. It's a thing. It always seems like nothing will ever change for me, and that I'm stuck. Especially in social situations. And see, I'm very picky about who I call friend, peer, and aquintance. You know? So it's very hard to interact. Plus, being a loner for so long, and having such a terrible past, doesn't help either. I'm conditioned to be this way, and I don't like it. I really hope things change soon.
I think that's a great start, the problem when you get so down in yourself and negative is that sometimes you miss the good that is right in front of you. A lot of us have been in dark places and when you are there it seems as though there is no hope and whatever you do nothing will work but things can get better, I'm not saying it will be easy but you can get there.