Hello friends! Soo i need some help i think. I met my boyfriend a year ago. I'm 20, he's 22. We started full-on dating, having-sex-meetingeachothers-friends dating, withought having any conversation about where it was going or if it was exclusive, for the first 5 months. During that time we didnt see each other for more than a month due to his exams (and he found excuses to not see me more that once a week), but we continued to text daily. I eventualy asked him to be my boyfriend, he denied because he wasn't ready for a relationship and I told him that that situation wasn't something I was looking for and walked away. I was crushed but only for a while as he called the next day and said he regretted it and that he wanted us to be together. After some thought I agreed. But the feeling had already been poisoned, and a month and a half later, I told him I wanted to break up. He was crying, begging me, telling me he loved me (even though the exact previous day during a casual conversation he said that he really cared for me but it wasn't love, and I was ok with that since I thought it was too soon anyway). This went on for 10 hours of talking in my apartment, after which I told him i couldn't see him that way anymore and that he should leave. I didn't see him for a month. During a pride parade I bumped into him , everything was nice and casual and I started having misthoughts. I added him on fb the same night(he had removed me) and I started talking to him, and told him that I was sorry for adding him again, that it was a moment of weakness and that I would do that again. He started telling me very beautiful things about what he loves about me and eventually I told him that I couldn't be with him again, me not being in love and him being in love I mean. He told me it was his problem and that he wanted to try anyway. So we got back together, me driving to his place in the middle of the night to talk to him face to face. It's three months later and I want to break up. He is suffocating me. always telling sweet, too frickin sweet, things, calling me his love all the time, complaining when we dont meet for a few days. What I want to say is that, overnight, he was suddenly head over heels for me and it hasnt ceased even though I kept telling him I want to take things slow. I feel really really bad. Think about it all the time, I can't sleep or talk to my friends who all warned me not to get back together in the first place. I wonder if I am using him by not talking to him and being pressured into returning his affections reluctantly. I am afraid of his reaction and how he is gonna be afterwards. All of these feelings get worse every time I think I have to stay in the realtionship for another month, since its exam period and I know that if I break up with him he will fail everything like last time, and he has put quite a lot of energy into this. I hate the idea of hanging out with him and having sex with him for the next month, not because its bad, but because it pressures me and its bad for him, me knowing it's going to end and him having no idea. Am I a bad person? How do you thing I should handle it?
First of all, hugs. I kinda understand that, sometimes, feelings can be confusing and there is no one-size-fits-all guidelines. I don't think that you are a bad person. You are just another person who found himself in a difficult situation. It seems that your boyfriend has grown attached to you and him saying all those beautiful things makes you uncomfortable as you feel pressured to reciprocate with the same intensity. May I know what made you agree to try the relationship for the second time (after you met at the Pride)? I think you should try to talk to your friends even though you may feel a bit uncomfortable at first. They will help you to see things from different perspective. They have reasons why they warned you not to get back together.
Usually, I would say to just break up with him, but there are some circumstances here that make me pause in this. I think IF you are going to break up with him you should wait until his finals are over. As you acknowledge, doing so beforehand could create a situation where he fails all his finals, which in turn could permanently and horribly damage the guy's future. Even if you don't love him, it sounds like you care about him enough to take this into consideration. I also agree with @loepis in that during this time while you're waiting for his finals to be over you should talk to your friends and look into their reasons as to why they said you shouldn't get back together with him. Aside from that, perhaps you need to also look at your own feelings. Why did you feel so strongly for him, then overnight the feelings just disappeared? Was there trust damaged? You said the next day he realized his mistake (and probably agonized over it all night, realizing what he'd lost in the process of his selfishness). How did your own emotions turn on a dime like that? And why?
Thank you so much for your answers I wanted to try again because, what we had before, was not honest and that was obvious. We hadn't met eachothers friends, I didn't know so many stuff about his life and we where basically just two dudes hanging around now and then. He told me that he would stop that and that he would tell me anything I would like to know and work for us to be proper boyfriends. That's why I wanted to give it a shot. He even told me to give him a week, just a week to show me this was the real deal. I honestly don't know what I expected, but I was intrigued nonetheless. In contrast to him, he is my first kiss, first relationship, first guy I slept with. He kinda has a big influence on me. My friends told me not to try it, as they believed that if I ever was to break up with him again it would make double the damage to him and that I didn't have the right to do that to him. I know they where right and I listened to them so I didn't try to get him back, but after we talked he told me he wanted to try regardless. I guess that felt like getting a get-out-of-jail-for-free card, allowing me to try this relationship withought being a douche and dragging him into something against his honest will. I guess I was wrong on that :/ My best friend, though, told me once that she didn't approve of my (then ex-)boyfriend's stance, as he was pressuring me and begging me and suddenly proclaiming his love during our breakup. She didn't say anything now that we are together again and I respect that. One thing you should know about me, is that my 2 close friends and I, just like out immediate bigger circle of friends, take matters of relationships and love fairly seriously. I know their persceptives completely, and since I've been feeling like I did something bad, I know they would agree with me Still, they would be supportive of me, no doubt. They are great friends Oh, also, he isn't taking his finals. He is taking regular university term exams that he can rettake every year, but still. Thank you guys for listening to me. Empty closets never dissapoint now does it ?
