When people say "Well, we always suspected", when you come out.

I'm actually the opposite, people are always so surprised and I get irritated because of the overly exaggerated reactions of WHAAT?

Does it offend/bother you when people react this way to you?

 

Yeh, true! It does make you curious.. I think gay girls will know I am gay, but most straight people won't. I think it's because I don't talk about my dating life and people know I'm single at work. With how I move, I don't think it's super obvious, but I feel that it is at times. Haha. Not really sure.. Never asked my friends about it. That's a good question to ask them in our next drinking session. Haha. Most of my friends are straight so that will be fun.

You should try asking your friends! I'm sure they know you pretty well and would be honest with you about these topics. Plus it'll be fun to hear what they think of you. Haha!

 

I think for straight people it's not visible at first sight. Otherwise I wouldn't have had a colleague at my new job who thought she should "warn" me (her words) that my closest colleague was gay.

 

I get this a lot too hahaha. You're not the only one. I feel like I don't even fit the gay stereotype but people still know. I only used to be bothered by it when I was out to pratically no one cause it made it really awkward.

But don't be bothered by it. Just keep being you. It's not a big deal. As long as your happy with yourself then who cares if people suspect anything.

 

I can tell when people, especially feminine girls are on the spectrum, it's not about their clothes, hair or whatever they just do send a different kind of vibe. I am very receptive to it and also know I send the same kind of vibe to other girls. Straight people are often oblivious to it as I am very feminine and so automatically assumed to be straight but anyone who is even remotely bi-curious would probably pick up on the clues or the vibe I know I do send.

I seriously have yet to be surprised about someone coming out to me BUT I never ever tell the person who come out to me that "I knew they were gay" because a), even if I had very high suspicions I actually didn't really know until they confirmed it and b) I also know that it could make them very self-conscious of their behaviours around others and that's not what I want. It's just a personal satisfation to know that my gaydar is still on point.

I would advise you not to take it personally, it's probably not anything you can change anyway. We say that "eyes are the mirror of the soul" and it often proves to be true. A lot of my suspicions arise from small things, the way a certain woman look at another woman, the way she slowly try to get closer to the woman she seems to like, the way she react to physical contact by another woman or the way she initiate it. Just small thing that people do instinctively in the moment, all the stereotype about certain haircuts etc... just seem to make things more confusing for me.

Just keep being yourself, at the end of the day does it really matter what or who people think you are ? They can't actually know you are gay until you tell them. Sometimes passing as straight bother me but I have to remind myself that it doesn't really matter what people assume I am and that I just have to set them straight if I want to, or ignore their assumptions otherwise and let them think whatever they please.

 

I don't think people actually know about me, but my sister was the most interesting, she actually told me that she knew I was gay. Hmm but others have been surprised, certain people are just neutral in reaction. I have come out to a lot of people as in my filmmaking class I make the films with clear target audience of LGBT+ people like a current script I just wrote was all about a gay kinky relationship.

 

Only my Mom has said this. For some reason both straight and gay women always assume I'm straight and are surprised that I'm not.

I wonder what the vibe that most gay see is...because apparently I do not have it :/

 

Out of the four people I am out to, I only got this from one of them. She is bi like me, so maybe it was easier for her to pinpoint. My gay best friend had no idea, and the other two didn't really say anything about knowing or not.

However, I am terrible at picking out people's orienations.

 

I'm still questioning but I'm pretty sure I like girls. When I told my best friend she told me it was totally obvious because I kept talking about how cute girls are, I didn't even notice that I mentioned stuff like that! Also, people have assumed that I'm gay for quite a while now but I always denied it, I guess I give off those 'vibes' too

 

The people who've known me forever are never surprised, but some I've known for just a little while say that they wouldn't have expected that from me.

 

The "gay vibe" perception is not always able to be vocalized. It's a subconscious pick up of subtle cues, sometimes over months or years, that add up to an impression over time. Because it's subconscious perception, and because the subtle nature of the cues involved, most people can't pinpoint how they came to their suspicions.

 

My mom knew when I was 3. She has a good gaydar. Besides other gays most people are clueless about my sexuality.

 

I haven't gotten it from any of my friends that I've come out to. In fact, one of them was genuinely shocked and even said they never expected it in the slightest. Are they just being nice? Eh, they had no reason to be, I wouldn't have cared if they suspected it or not and they know this.

As for why other people say this so often, my best guess is that no, not many people actually have some sort of gaydar going on - it's just that once someone comes out to you, all of a sudden you start making little connections in your head and find meaning in past events, which of course leads up to the inevitable "...yeah, I always kind of saw it" response.

 

It's really weird for me because I'm out as gay but not as nonbinary, so no one ever gets a lesbian vibe from me because I'm not a lesbian. Gay people rarely realise I'm gay because even though I dress pretty much like a butch lesbian, I just don't give off that feel to other people. To the few people I'm out as nonbinary to though, they've apparently always gotten that feel from me, so I don't even know anymore.

 

To be honest if I ever come out, I kind of hope people will say that, as I'm a little worried people might just think I'm confused or something like that! If it turned out everyone more or less already guessed, it'd be kind of a relief.