I have posted a bit about this before but am unsure how to proceed as things have moved on a little by my coming out to the person I love. I know it's a common topic but I think it's always good to get advice on it. I recently came out as bi to one of my closest friends - who I'm in love with but haven't told him that part. We've known eachother a few years and I have to say that it was strong signals that he maybe liked me that led me to fall for him (along with his nice personality of course) He says he's straight although a lot of people suspect he's actually gay - I won't go into the "evidence" but trust me when I say it's pretty convincing and it feels like he's in deep denial and does things to cover it up. Anyway, he was basically supportive when I said I was bi - but he's been somewhat distant with me since then. I wonder does he know I like him and if he really is straight then doesn't want to lead me on, or does he know I like him and it's mutual but he can't bring himself anywhere near confessing that. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't really care about me that much, but that might be because he's the type that always seems to cover up his feelings. I'm really not looking at this through "crush eyes" - the situation has felt this way between us for so long and it's now at a stage where I can't get him out of my head. I need some kind of closure because I'd really hate for our friendship to fade or get ruined but it feels like I need to do SOMETHING or I'll go insane. I'd rather not do the whole putting space between us thing. That will feel to him like I am being off with him or that I'm in a mood with him. The closest I've got to telling him how I feel is saying that I care for him deeply. I'm assuming that's as explicit as one could be without coming out and saying "I love you". Perhaps I just need to give it (even) more time and be patient? After all, if he's not ready to accept himself then my unloading onto him could make him retreat further. I wouldn't gain anything that way. What I'm afraid of is that I don't tell him and meanwhile he accepts he is gay and suddenly falls for someone else. Maybe he thinks he has given me enough clues over time!? That would be the worst thing. And I really do love this person. I want to spend my life with him. I've never felt this way about another person I've loved before. At the same time, I have to be prepared for the ultimate let down and rejection and find a way of moving on and hopefully keeping our friendship intact.
Hello Southpaw, Oh my goodness I am going the exact same thing as you and I'm also very confused on how to approach the whole situation with my friend. First off, I have to say that I'm sorry because I can't give you a good advice regarding this. But I want to share with you how I'm dealing with the situation and maybe it can help you figure out your own way to tackle the problem. I agree with what you said regarding giving him more time. Pushing yourself too hard on him isn't the best of ideas because it would probably make it awkward for him. I think you should try to act as normal as you can for the time being, see how his behavior is and whether it will change overtime. For now I'm trying to put this.. how do I say it, one way emotional distance? I mean, I would still talk to my crush although not as frequent, but I do try to keep it very neutral and not show too much of my feelings. Just keeping the conversation going so the friendship won't fade. Because I keep thinking, whatever the outcome will be, at least I can still be friends with her. In a way I'm supressing my own feelings (even though it's on the edge of exploding). I try not to keep my hopes up and give it more time giving clues about my feelings without being too pushy towards her. I'm giving myself 6 months until I will confess to her, and by that time I'll be ready to accept whatever outcome it will be. Basically I'm just swallowing a huge, bitter pill because I care too much about her. I feel that our friendship and her happiness is more important than my own feelings. But really, that's just me and how I deal with it. It will be different for you, but hopefully you'll feel better knowing that you're not alone in thus situation! I wish you the best of luck in the world!
Hey thanks for sharing your thoughts and your own story. Yes I guess I'm resigned to giving it a little more time. I only just resumed communication after about a week of as you put it "emotional distance" and that nearly killed me. Sometimes he initiates contact but recently it's been me doing most of it. I hoped he would've contacted me if he'd really wanted to..but maybe HE needs the distance too. A newcomer basically tried to out him in our group of friends recently to his face. He stated to them he was straight but that people had questioned him before about his sexuality. That coupled with possible long term denial and me coming out to him is maybe a lot for him to process. Your time limit could work (but I'm already at that stage after 3 years !) and I really hope it does for you. Anyway, it feels nice to be in touch with him again - he lives in a different state from me - even though it's not helping to develop our situation. Next time I see him I'm going to try harder to be happier around him and less emotionally sensitive (i.e. to the idea of him being a bit distant from me.) At the end of the day, I guess most people aren't attracted to emotional people - even if it's well meant (i.e. having a big heart) - they are attracted to happy, positive people. On the surface he's a happy, positive person but I just KNOW he is hiding a lot of his true self. Best of luck to you too
Hello Southpaw, It'll be a tough process but we both must face the music and stay positive! Best of luck for the both of us
