Hi guys, I just wanted some advice because I'm unsure about how to proceed. I ended my first relationship about a month ago and I could tell from the way I felt after I did it that it was the right decision. He was very controlling and I felt like I couldn't make decisions for myself. In addition, we both had physical disabilities and it was very hard for me to obtain the physical intimacy that I desired. Fast forward a month later and my best friend offered to help me experience some things that I could not in my relationship because of our limitations. I cuddled with him and participated in mutual masturbation and I felt like I was on cloud nine. While we were not sexually attracted to each other, I am thankful for the opportunity for me to explore myself. Recently though, I have started to have a lot of self-doubt because I feel like I'm never going to be able to experience true happiness. This is why I've turned to prayer. I've always been spiritual and have asked for guidance because I want to believe that someone is above us because I feel like that's the only thing I have. At the same time, I feel like I'm praying for something "wrong" because I've been told all my childhood that it is against God's will. Does anyone have any ideas?
Whether being gay is "wrong" or not is not really universally taught by any religion - but many people within any given religious tradition will believe and/or teach this. I think what you're asking is, in that sense, a matter of one's personal perspective. I don't personally believe it's wrong, of course, nor would many people here on EC. But the important question may turn out to be, do you think it's wrong or no? Does it feel wrong to you to want intimacy and happiness? I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling frustrated though. In some sense, I think it's always the case that we fear our (perceived) shortcomings will keep us from meeting someone, but I also understand that you are probably facing roadblocks others aren't. Try to focus on what you do have to offer, though - I'm sure you have many good qualities, as you're clearly able to maintain a pretty good friendship!
I also struggled in a similar way and someone suggested a book called And God save Judy Garland, this book was written by a gay man who was raised in a devout Christian upbringing by his mom and grandma in and around Little Rock, Arkansa (the bible belt). He struggled with his sexuality and what the church said about it, yet through a series of life changing events he come to peace with his sexual nature and today he is pastor of an affirming church and has been partnered with a wonderful man for years. This biography helped me and maybe it would help you too.
