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My heart hurts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rana, Sep 6, 2017.

  1. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you so much. I'm going to try to try all the above.
     
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  2. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thanks RJay,
    I think I was so happy about being in my first lesbian relationship that I ignored red flags from the beginning. When we communicated daily, even about mundane things, it felt like for the first time I was not alone in the world. I never felt like that when dating men. I understand why it hurts so much. I just have to push myself forward (and carry lots of tissues since apparently I've turned crying into an art form today).
     
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  3. Worker Bee

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    Hey Rana. Sorry for not being a better friend to you and disappearing for ages.

    I am so sorry you're hurting but you have totally done what's best for you. I can sympathise with trying to stay in an untenable situation, although i would have been the ex in the scenario (my antidepressants stop me from acting like that).

    You were so brave starting your first relationship and i know that part of you would have wanted to stay because we all hope our first is our last on some level.

    Allow yourself some time to grieve both for yourself and the relationship. There is a fantastic woman out there looking for you and you will find her.
     
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  4. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Hi Cam,
    Thanks for the lovely words. It's nice to see you back.
    Today was (and still is rough for me).

    To make matters worse, my ex messaged me tonight apologizing and saying she wished she had been kinder to me (that she should have expressed herself with kindness rather than anger). It only made me feel worse to be honest.

    Thanks for saying I was brave. Unfortunately, I think this first lesbian relationship has somewhat dinged my self esteem. I'm definitely feeling some damage from being treated poorly. I'm mad that I let it happen.
    I knew better, but somehow I bought into the dream and lost myself a little. Boy, am I paying for it today!
     
  5. Rana

    Rana Guest

    One of the issues I pondered today (in between the crying spells) was why I was willing to compromise my value in how I was treated. It's not good that I put up with so much negativity.

    So, I'm thinking that I would benefit from therapy at this point. I don't know but something tells me that my willingness to tolerate poor treatment has underlying causes with respect to a sense of self worth. Just thinking out loud here...
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    I think it's rare that therapy is a bad thing.

    Attraction does strange things to us, when we like someone it often clouds our judgement and decision making. I also think when you want something so badly, your first lesbian relationship and you find someone that says they like you (which is always flattering whoever you are) you don't want to see the bad things and brush them aside. I actually think you have been very brace and strong. I think a lot of us would have let this drag out for longer.
     
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  7. SweetSoulJulia

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    I just wanted to chime in and say that I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know you're hurting right now. You will hurt for some time. When you find you're feeling a little better, give yourself a huge pat on the back. You were able to step outside of your heart/emotions to recognize that this relationship is not good for you. Some people are not that strong! Good for you for loving yourself enough to walk away from a very difficult situation. There are some good support website for BPD. Check out BPD family message boards.

    Feel better soon. We're all here to offer support:slight_smile:
     
    #47 SweetSoulJulia, Sep 8, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
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  8. Chrissy31

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    Hey I've not spoken to you before as fairly new on here sorry you are so upset you have done what you thought was best for you which is very brave because sometimes people let things continue and it becomes harder and harder. Maybe now she can get some help to work through her issues and you can move on and in time you will feel much better and stronger. It's hard dealing with a partner with extreme mood swings who blames you and can be unkind sounds like she was better at the start but perhaps cannot deal with being in a relationship. Take care of yourself and give yourself a little treat or two to cheer you up
     
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  9. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Ok I've almost survived day 2. The good news is the waterworks were mostly gone. I got misty eyed once, but really no tears.
    Yesterday was like a running faucet coming out of my eyes...I felt psychotic!
    My ex sent me random texts last night about everyday things.
    We're going through the motions of the just friends phase...it feels bizarre.

    Ok I need honest opinions. Would it be crazy if I went out and partied like a college kid after finals? I know it's no way to get over someone but somehow getting sh*t faced is all I want to do! I've never been one to drown my sorrows in alcohol. Can I start?
    I know, I'm so healthy right now! :smiling_imp:
     
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  10. leb10

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    Totally acceptable. Just don't throw up in the Uber
     
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  11. Mabel

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    Rana, all I can say is I'm impressed. I've had friends and family in this situation. They all stayed in too long. It ended up being awful for them. It sounds to me, even though you care, you know she was not in a healthy place. If she's not in a healthy place she can't have a healthy relationship. Things could have become abusive for you. I think it's amazing you recognized all this before that did happen. I know it's hard. It just sounds like you did the right thing ((hugs))
     
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  12. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you. It was hard, and still is. It's day 3. My ex and I text each other about once a day as "just friends." It feels fake to me. I'm sure it will stop in due time. I feel bad for her because of her emotional problems but at the same time, I was being treated so badly and unfairly that it became intolerable. She recently apologized for being so mean to me when we were dating, but even with her texts now I can still see her moodiness so it's not an easily fixable thing. I just really miss the feeling of hope and happiness that comes with a new relationship. It's hard (and strange) to feel loved and simultaneously treated poorly. It messes with your sense of self worth. I feel I need to be "repaired" after that experience. I'm just trying to survive right now and be able to breathe without thinking about it. It is still rough but getting better.
     
  13. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Yes, I would definitely say she couldn't deal with a relationship. Actually, her mood problem has caused her to not have lots of friends. She drives people away by lashing out or being generally hard to get along with. It's a real problem. I just didn't want to be negatively affected by it anymore.
     
  14. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thanks. It was making me feel depressed and bad about myself. The breakup was really about my own survival.
     
  15. Rana

    Rana Guest

    I can't tell you guys how much all of your kindness and good advice has helped me through this tough time. I'm really grateful for all of you. When I feel really low as I have periodically the last 3 days, I read your comments again and it's like an emotional hug. Words can't express how thankful I feel for all of you, and for EC in general. ❤️❤️❤️
     
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  16. Chrissy31

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    You have def done the right thing in the long run for both of you it was obviously bringing you down and that's not good you will feel better in time. Have you made it a clean break so you don't have contact or do you intend to keep in touch with her ?
     
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  17. Really

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    I wonder if it might be a good idea not to be texting with her for a bit. You can either tell her you need a break for a while and you'll get back to her when things have settled down or if you're worried that will set her off, you could try:
    I don't know if you'll get this text. I'm having a problem with my data service. Maybe don't text for now and I'll get back to you when I can.
    I know it's a lie but it's for your own self preservation.
    Just a thought. :}
     
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  18. Rana

    Rana Guest

    I'm not sure how I feel about the texting at this point. The first day it was hard because it was a departure from "girlfriend" to "friend." The fact that she apologized for hurting me was okay, although it doesn't really matter now. I don't think her once a day texts have changed anything for me emotionally because I sort of disconnected my heart from her when we broke up (actually I think it was while we were together at the end). Is it better to have a clean break and not be friends? I'm not sure. Her texts don't keep me interested in her...I'm kind of neutral about it because she isn't the one for me. Everything else is like white noise for me now.
     
  19. NeonSocks

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    It's ok, you are still processing everything and that takes time. It's hard to go straight from a romantic relationship to strictly friendship even if that is what you both want. Don't be afraid to take some time for yourself and if that means no contact with her for awhile, that's ok too!
     
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  20. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Sunday was day 4 of the breakup. I don't know how to describe how I feel yet. I haven't cried at all beyond the 2nd day. It feels odd right now, like I'm just going through the motions, slightly numb. Oddly, when I start to feel sad, it's actually comforting to remember that I wasn't happy with her, and that she made me feel bad about myself. These are not good things to recall but in a weird way, these painful facts help me remember that despite occasional sadness, I did the right thing by removing myself from that situation.

    What bugs me sometimes is a memory of a time when I was still hopeful for happiness. For example, if I sit at a specific table at a cafe I'll remember I was at that table when I was on the phone with my ex one time. It reminds me that I was happy & hopeful then. I mourn the loss of that feeling. It makes me feel sorry for myself, and I feel my eyes welling up. If I could just short circuit my memory somehow! :frowning2:
     
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