Ok, story time. So about two years ago, I found out from a mutual friend that one of my friends liked me. At the time, I was unaware that he was trans (ftm) and so I thought he was a girl. At the same time, I was still deep in denial about my own sexuality, and still convinced I was straight. I asked him out, and it didn't go well. Not In a friendship breaking way or anything, but in a he said no and things got awkward type way. Basically he came out to me he was trans, and that at the moment he wasn't interested in a relationship because he was still figuring things out and didn't want to drag someone in with him. I was cool with that, since at the time I was only looking for girls. Not long after that we kind of drifted apart as life moved on, and aside from occasionally liking each others Facebook posts and such, we didn't really communicate for about two years. Then, last night, seemingly out of nowhere, we ran into each other again at a meeting for a club we were both in (and I'm still in) during college. It was a pleasant surprise, and we talked for awhile before the club activities started up. The whole time I couldn't help but notice how good he looked now. He hadn't looked bad as a girl, but masculinity definitely suits him better. He had to leave before the meeting was over, so we didn't talk more after, but I kept thinking about him on the drive home and at work today. I'd kind of like to ask him out again, but there are a few things that worry me. First off, it's been two years since we really talked. In that time he's switched genders and I've switched sexualities, so who knows what else has changed. I don't know if he still likes me as more then a friend, or if that was some kind of childish crush that's worn off by now. I've also heard (I can't remember the source, so if this is blatantly false PLEASE tell me so I can be properly informed) that the hormones trans people take can effect their sexuality in some cases, meaning he might not even be attracted to men at all anymore (I think he was Bi/Pan before, not sure). I also don't know if he's single (Facebook stalking was no help, no posted relationship status) or if he's even interested in a relationship at the moment, since last time we talked he said he wasn't. Two years is a long time, so maybe he's open to one now, but if that is the case he's likely already in one. He also doesn't know I'm Bi now, though that shouldn't be a surprise since I'm out to a grand total of five people. I also have no idea if I'll see him again, or if all this worry is for nothing. He said he'd be coming back to the club things more often now, but people who leave that club all the time, and when I meet them they all say they plan to come back. I guess I should take the fact he came back once as a good sign? I don't know. Basically I'm not sure how to proceed. Assuming I see him again, I don't know what to do. I'd like to ask him out. I really enjoyed spending time with him before when we were friends, and would like to give dating a chance if he's up to it. There's a part of me that think's its best to keep my interest secret till I know more. After all, I'd rather keep him as a friend that I crush on then have a crush ruin our friendship. If I go this rout though, I need to figure out how to ask certain questions without drawing attention. Mostly "are you dating someone," and "do you still like me." I feel like the first I could get at with time, after all we have two years of catch up to do. But I have no Idea how to ask the second without it being obvious why, especial since I've asked this guy out before. The other part of me just wants to come out as Bi to him and hope he makes the connection. After all, he knows I was considering dating him as a girl, so if I'm now comfortable with my attractions to men, maybe he'll make the connection that I'm attracted to him and ask me out. That would be the easy way, but I feel like it's also a big gamble if he doesn't make the connection. I'd appreciate any feedback or suggestions I can get. My head's nothing but a mess now, and I could use any advice you can give. Thanks in advance. PS. If I said anything above that is in any way disrespectful or rude to the trans community please don't be offended. I promise any mistakes I made in this post were due to ignorance and not intended to be offensive. If I said something dumb please correct me (kindly) so that I can avoid such mistakes in future. Thanks.
So if you have his / her contact info ask him / her out, you have the perfect excuse to do so by saying hey it's been two years so lets get together and do some catching up. All of the above questions, concerns, and what if's will make them self known if he / she says yes to your asking him / her out.....I say go for it.
Ok so ask him out on a date? Or just as two friends catching up? Just clariffying I'm in an overanallyze everything type mood now. If the former should I aknowledge my past last atrempt to ask him out? Or kind of pretend it didn't happen?
Approach him as a friend first. If you don't see him in person enough, send him a Facebook message. Just catch up and if he's in a relationship, he'll probably mention it anyway. Get to know him and stuff. Just don't approach him as a romantic interest until you know more about his situation. He/him. Always use male pronouns to talk about a trans guy. Not doing so is very disrespectful.
ya, that's probably the best course. I've screwed myself before by rushing into things like this without knowing all the facts, so it's probably best to take it slow. It has been two years and a lot can change in that time. It's probably better to spend some time getting reaquainted first before considering persuing anything more the friendship. I appreciate the feedback everyone.
Respect is a wonderful attribute to extend to others and respect for others is my ambition to give. Thank you RainbowGreen for your response to my prior post, no disrespect was intended. just asking him if he would like to have lunch sometime to catch up on whats been going on in each others lives. No not a date.
Thanks for clarifying. I have a tendancy to overthink everything when it comes to this stuff, so I wanted to be sure I wasn't misreading your advice. I think for now I'm going to just see where it goes. I've talked to him on facebook messenger afew times and it sounds like he wants to keep going to those club meetings I mentioned. Talking there will be a good start, and if that works I can start thinking about maybe taking further steps. Thanks.
