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Internalized Homophobia

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TheMudcrab, Sep 5, 2017.

  1. TheMudcrab

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    First off, I'm gay. I know I'm gay and I am okay with that.

    Over the weekend, I got a chance to go out with a really great guy. We had dinner and talked. It was about as perfect as I could've hoped for. The next day he texted me, and I freaked out. I felt disgusted by the very idea of dating another dude. I felt dirty for going out on a date with him, and I felt very guilty for feeling that way after he was nothing but wonderful to me.

    I'm well aware that I have issues with internalized homophobia. I've been working on it with the help of some good friends who have been there, and it is getting better. I guess I'm posting because I'm conflicted. One part of me is telling the other part of me it's an abomination.

    Anyway, sorry to be a debbie downer so early in the week. I hope y'all had a great weekend.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Needless to say, you're not going to find many people on EC who will agree that being gay is an abomination. :slight_smile:

    Is this the first time you've gone out on a date with a guy? Or, more broadly, do you usually have this reaction if you go out on a date, etc.? It may just be something you're not used to. Even gay people aren't used to seeing gay couples or gay people on dates at first - we don't see a lot of images of that around in the world.

    It's great that you're working on this, and that you have some friends who are willing to help you out. Perhaps reaching out to a counselor would help as well - another person (and another type of help) in your support network never hurts.

    As far as this guy, if you're looking for something to tell him, I'd say just be honest - you had a great time with him but are still getting used to the idea of dating guys, and need to take it slow (or maybe aren't ready for it right now).
     
  3. TheMudcrab

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    Thanks!
    I did talk to him and he said he understands.
    I don't agree being gay is an abomination either. That's my dad's word for it. As much as I try, there's that little bit of him I can't seem to purge. I guess I paid more attention in church as a child than either of us thought.
    I'm going to work on this. Mental health is a marathon, not a sprint.
     
  4. I'm gay

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    You say that you are okay with that, but I don't think you are. I think you want to believe you are okay with being gay, but the reality is that this statement is not consistent with your internalized homophobia. It's understandable that you are still struggling with self-acceptance given how your dad feels about homosexuality. But if you are just paying lip-service to the idea that you're "okay with that" when you really aren't okay with it, then you also aren't working on the self-acceptance part.

    Just my two cents.
     
  5. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    As Gravity said, there are many of us here who struggle with the same thing (Internalized homophobia).
    I grew up in a conservative, Christian home and am struggling on a daily basis with the conflict between who I am and who I'm expected to be. It's normal to feel bad about who you are now, compared to who you were raised to be. I agree with Gravity that you need to seek help from other sources too (Counsellor). I'm currently seeing one and I can't tell you enough how liberating it is to be able to speak openly to someone. She doesn't (yet) know that I'm bisexual (I don't think) but to talk to her about other everyday struggles feels great. So I think you can also benefit from it. I hope you feel better soon, and I think that's a great guy for being so understanding. I'm sure he's been through the same thing too. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall into place :slight_smile: