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Help- Pretending to be Straight

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by dollparts, Sep 3, 2017.

  1. dollparts

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    Yesterday I went to a house party and I got VERY drunk. I'm a closeted lesbian, and I made out with a guy to fit in with everyone. Kissing him made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, but I did it to feel less alone even though I'm not attracted to guys. I then excused myself, and I saw one of my friends hanging around my the bathroom. I decided to tell her that I'm not interested in that guy because I'm gay. She was supportive, we hugged and I began to feel better.

    Then, I decided that my best friend deserved to know. She was outside with one of our guy friends, and I grabbed her by the arm and marched her indoors where no one could hear me finally admitting to her that I'm gay. She immediately hugged me and started crying, and I therefore began to cry too. She told me she was proud of me, and that she didn't think of me any differently, and that she'd always thought I was gay anyway. It was a relief, and I'm lucky to have a best friend like that. She then proceeded to jokingly ask me if I had feelings for her, to which I honestly replied 'no'. Sigh, straight girls.

    Unfortunately, our happy tears soon turned sad. When drunk, my best friend's boyfriend becomes an asshole. He decided to ruin the coming-out moment (that luckily no one had overheard- to this day the only people I've told are those two female friends), by confessing that he'd never liked me, and that it annoys him that my best friend spends more time with me than with him. I'm aware that there are far worse things he could've said, but at this point myself and my best friend were so drunk and emotional that we both bursted into tears and hid in the bathroom for the remainder of the party.

    It wasn't entirely a bad night, but it was surely a roller coaster. Right now, I still feel embarrassed about kissing a guy that I don't like, I still feel happy that I came out to my friends for the first time, and I still feel sad that her boyfriend has never really accepted me as his friend. Ultimately I want to live my life as an openly gay girl. I wish I had a girlfriend. I wish I could be out of the closet to everybody. I wish I could control myself when drunk, and perhaps steer clear of troublesome straight boys.

    Just because I came out to my best friends, doesn't mean I'm out of the closet. To most people, I'm just another straight girl who's just never had a proper boyfriend for whatever reason. By the time college starts, I probably won't be embarrassed anymore. But that doesn't mean the difficulty is over yet. The biggest difficulty is pretending to be straight, because it's a tiring and emotionally draining act. I know I don't have to keep this act up, I'm surrounded by people that love and support me. However, the fear of coming out doesn't leave you that easily.

    Cliche as it might sound, being different sure makes you feel alone.

    I guess what I really need is support within this world of confusion and hate.
     
  2. AlexJames

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    You mentioned college starting. Are you starting college soon? It might have an LGBT group you could join. I wish i knew and was out when i was at my first college, they had a good active LGBT group. Maybe you can slowly come out to more people, that way you don't have to hide?
     
  3. dollparts

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    I am starting college in a couple of days actually. Thank you so much <3
     
  4. silverhalo

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    I totally agree college will be a whole different experience, get involved in their LGBT society and make some new friends, that's not to say you have to forget the old ones but if you can come out from the begininning at college you will feel a whole lot better.
     
  5. dollparts

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    Thank you, that's very helpful and caring of you :slight_smile:
     
  6. eightyeight

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    Hello dollparts,

    I agree with silverhalo and LunarLyric. I do feel that college and university life is a whole different thing. I myself got a hunch I might be bisexual during highschool, but only confirmed and accepted it in university.

    I feel that college and university is a new start and allows you to be more expressive of what you really are and how you really feel. So make new friends, never be ashamed of yourself, and just enjoy!

    Best of luck :slight_smile:
     
  7. dollparts

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    Thank you, these comments have been so inspiring and lovely to read!
     
  8. loepis

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    Hey dollparts, I kinda understand. I am out to a few people, but that is it. To most people, I am just another straight woman who is too 'modern' to get a boyf and get married. After 30+ years, I have still not fully embraced my sexuality. I still care too much of what other people think of me.
    You will have the opportunity to be fully out and live a life you want. We deserve it.
     
  9. Assassin'sKat

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    I understand you. I get you. It sucks.

    I am out to everyone who I feel needs to know, but I am still closeted to a lot of people.

    Mainly because I don't like to talk about it, and I wouldn't like it if a lot of people knew.

    For the most part, I just act like I'm not too interested in anyone at all. I just never bring up crushes, I never bring up my type, beyond "It would be cool to get married some day". If anyone asks what kind of guy I like, I just change the subject, as I don't like guys at all and don't want to correct them. I am very afraid of how they will react.

    Perhaps doing that is easier than acting straight. You don't have to lie and say you like a certain guy, and you certainly don't have to make out with anyone you're not attracted to.

    But ey, girl, you always have our support. I am sorry you feel so alone, but listen, you're not alone, and we are all here for you.
    Here's a hug my friend *hugs*