Need advice on getting away from a dead-end and abusive home

Okay, this is kinda long. I'm not sure where to start but I'll make sure everything's in order:I'm a transgender girl stuck in VERY rural Kentucky (my home is pretty unbelievably far away from a lot of places, even if you drive). I'm also stuck in the closet because, unsurprisingly I'm sure, my family is highly transphobic among many other awful things. A couple of years ago, I tried coming out to my mom. Initially it seemed like maybe she understood and was willing to help! Well... not even a day later she told me what I'm doing is evil and we got into this big argument about being gay and hell and stuff. I was only 17 at the time so, figuring I was in a very bad position to call them out on anything, I just backpedaled and claimed I was joking about the whole thing and to forget about it.

Of course, trans stuff was not the beginning of this kind of behavior. They've always been emotionally (and even physically) abusive to me and even my siblings, consistently refusing to let me go anywhere, getting into petty fights about nothing and acting passive aggressive towards me for minding my own business (this isn't an exaggeration either, I once got my dad hounding me because I didn't get involved in some stupid fight between him and one of my uncles). On top of a bunch of other awful stuff (transphobia, homophobia, racism, sexism, etc. etc.) It's a pretty typical mindset for people around here, honestly - and it's always made me uncomfortable and feel unsafe. Now moreso than ever... ><

You see, I've been on and off about being trans primarily because I was afraid of my family and what they would do, so between 2013 and now I've struggled with dysphoria and no real way to cope with it. I think it reached a point where I couldn't deal with it anymore in 2015, so I secretly bought some vaguely feminine and (at night) wore it and just looked at myself in the mirror. I know, I know - a bit silly, but it helped for a little bit... at least, until it just made me want to be that way all the time. That kinda sucked.

I had a thyroid problem flare up at the end of summer last year, and my parents have basically refused to take me to a doctor or get any sort of treatment for it minus taking me to a clinic who inevitably couldn't help me at all. All of this was adding on already existing stress, and I won't lie... from about mid-2016 to early 2017, I was probably at the lowest point in my life. I'm sure for a lot of people 2016 sucked (because of Trump getting elected, a lot of celebrity deaths, etc.), but for me it was personal torture. I felt so trapped and helpless... so I vowed to try and get my GED and get out of there.

Well, the GED costs something to the tune of 120 dollars here (30 bucks for each test), and while I could eventually save up and try to afford it (at the time this would have taken a couple of weeks), I had no way of getting there - my dad swore off me going to high school or getting my GED at all and both him and mom won't take me there or a doctor at all. Nobody else in my family could take me (my cousin can drive now, but he only gets off one day a week, and this day changes every other week) and some of them even said it was probably for the best. You see, my dad keeps pushing for me to fake a disability or illness and get on SSI. It's actually apparently a common thing to do around here - there used to be an attorney named Eric C. Conn who was kind of (in)famous for getting just about anybody on SSI.

Fast forward to early this year, when after a lot of struggling and failed attempts, my friend was able to get me out of there and stay with him for a while (primarily thanks to the help of some dear internet friends). I was able to begin transitioning and, in general, feel liberated and free. I can't lie, it was probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. But... unfortunately, that only lasted a handful of months because of the people who owned the place - basically, it was outside of our control. I was at risk of getting kicked out and being homeless all of a sudden, and it was a very overwhelming and horrible feeling. I was trying to collaborate with an LGBT center in the area (which unfortunately failed because of the state of my transition), and trying to find another place proved nearly impossible in such a short amount of time. I had no real choice but to detransition (which I convinced myself I could easily do at the time... like a complete idiot) and move back home. My family were pleading with me and saying things would be different now. I had high hopes, and even though I still wasn't sure if I should trust them, a lot of my friends said that I could at least give it a try.

So here I am, it's been about a month now and even though they were fairly friendly at first... it's been a downhill ride ever since. Absolutely nothing has changed at all, and because of my departure tensions have only gotten worse. My dad started pushing for the SSI thing even harder (even putting a lot of emphasis on the "faking a disability" part of it) and we actually got into a fight over it that devolved into almost getting physically violent between one of my brothers and I. My mom has resumed her passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative behavior, and she's already back to calling me a failure for not going to high school (which was a thing THEY convinced me to do at the time). There are basically no LGBT centers in this area at all, either (again, it's a very sparse place).

Worse, detransitioning didn't take very long at all to drain me. For about two weeks straight, I would have recurring dreams where I was a girl again and, although the details would be very different, I would always wake up with tears in my eyes and a gut feeling I couldn't get away from. I haven't had the drive to do pretty much anything... I used to draw art and sketch a lot, but I haven't drawn anything since I've come back, and I don't feel the desire to either. I can't even play video games or watch stuff anymore, the most I do is just listen to music anymore, and even that's slowly becoming something I don't particularly feel like doing. I've been told these are signs of depression, which worries me...

I'm being driven emotionally ill from all of this, I can't really talk to people that much or go out of my way to do anything. Everything's too spread out to just walk somewhere around here, with the nearest thing being a gas station (which would take almost an hour to walk to, mind you). I should have known not to trust my parents, but I was getting increasingly desperate and everything I talked to about it told me I could give them a chance this one time. Well... I did. All they did was revert back to how they used to be - except somehow worse.

I've been saving up very slowly (very inconsistently) thanks to some odd jobs for an uncle here and there. It's just in case I can find someone else I can room with, since I know that not a lot of people aren't around this area who can help, so I figured expanding to maybe flying to somewhere else could help. Cheaper flights to more northern states are actually really affordable within this budget, so it at least is possible (New York in particular was surprisingly cheap - not sure about every state though, I was only checking a few). Of course, I don't actually have anywhere to go anymore.

Again, I'm really sorry for this giant wall of text but if there is anywhere to look for someone who can take me in, or a way to escape "for good" (as in, I can't come back here ever again), I really need that right now. I hope I never came across a certain way in any of this, and I'm really sorry if I did to anyone - I'm just so hopeless right now and I really don't know what I can do anymore. I've looked into every possible way and pleaded with my parents to help me over the years. Unfortunately, they've not only refused to cooperate but have actively barred me from a lot of options. Please, if there's anywhere you could point me to or anyone who thinks they can help, I'm all ears. I just want to be a girl again... this kind of miserable existence isn't something I'd wish on anyone. It's like I don't really exist anymore, it's difficult to put to words. I'm sure a lot of you have dealt with it in the past, so I won't go into much detail.



TL;DR - I'm trans and I'm trapped in backwater Kentucky with no real way out of here (having gone over just about everything I could) who needs help figuring out how to get out and transition for good.

 

Thank you for the kind words! Unfortunately, I tried calling the police on my family a few years ago (after yet another physical altercation) and when state troopers arrived here, they questioned my family about something and... nothing. They told me to have a good night and be careful in the future, and that was it. My dad was unhinged the next day and went out of his way to threaten me, so I had to stand up for myself a lot around that time.

Again, thank you for wishing me well and empathizing with this! >< I'm so sorry I only reply very very early in the morning, but it's the only time when I have enough privacy to not risk getting caught doing any of this...

I really hope I can get out of here soon somehow. My emotional state is only getting worse - last night I had a very vivid dream about when I was transitioning again, and I was outright sobbing when I woke up.

 

God, the support here is overwhelming, thank you so much... ;~;

By shelter, do you mean an LGBT shelter or generally just a place to crash? Either way, I've thought about just darting somewhere far away from here (but within reasonable distance of course, but still away from this state), but probably as a last resort if I can't figure a way out any other way.

I'd feel really genuinely dirty making a GoFundMe or some kind of donation page, I mean... even if I'm the kind of person who would really need that if you ask most people, I just wouldn't feel right doing that. Then again, maybe I don't have much a choice. I really don't know... I can't pretend like I know what I'm doing, I very very don't.

According to this place's policy you can't share much personal info at all, so I don't know if any off-site communication is possible... well, I mean, I guess there are some ways that wouldn't fit under that. Not sure, really. I'm pretty new here, admittedly x-x

I've asked pretty much all of my friends, the only one who was able to take me in was the one I was staying with for a little while already that I got kicked out of because of other people owning the place and not him - kind of how I got into this whole mess to begin with, in a way. I'm not sure where I could reach out to otherwise, but I really wish I knew.

Again, thank you all so much. I know I wasn't online yesterday at all, but I wasn't able to get any privacy and it can vary how much I can get per day. It really does mean a lot to me, and I hope I can find help soon thanks to you guys. The LGBT community really is amazing, I've been in awe by it ever since I found myself a part of it! ^-^;;

 

Thank you so much, are these shelters (specifically ones in closer areas like Chicago or New York) able to help trans individuals who have yet to start HRT? That's kind of why I was turned away at the last LGBT center while I was still living with my friend. I suppose that's something I would have to research myself, but if you know anything about them I would love to know!

Big cities don't make me uncomfortable much at all really, so that's an okay destination. I'm 21 so age isn't an issue either! As for ways to get out, I was banking on flying because it seems like the quickest method. the nearest airports are the Lexington and Cincinnati airports, both are only 30 minutes apart from each other so either's an option (I think Cincinnati is generally cheaper, though). I'm not too concerned with remaining anonymous while I travel away from here, so I'm fine with flying!

You've been very, very helpful. Definitely no "small way" about it, all of you have! Again, I'm so grateful for everything that's been said in this thread! I'm still concerned about going to an LGBT center, but it's definitely an option at least.

 

I'm still not sure if I'm okay with attempting to run to a shelter for a while. Unfortunately, it looks like it might be my only option unless I can figure something else out. I don't have any friends I could stay with at all, so I guess it's really all I can do... but I can't. Willingly throwing myself into a shelter when I technically already have a home right now? So many people would view such a move as poorly thought out, and I worry they might have a point...

The benefits and health care advice is very helpful though, for future thinking! I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Even if there was some sort of anonymous donation website (which seems counter-intuitive), I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it, the thought of possibly begging for financial support is just not something I can do to anyone. I'd be an investment to all of these people, and I don't think I could amount to much to justify it.

I've already started the path to transitioning, technically. Except I had to backpedal to come home without getting myself excised from my family for the time being - and believe me, I know that a transition is a difficult, long, and painful process. I know that all too well... >.<

A job isn't possible where I currently am. I'm only getting by financially through my uncle giving me some cash for doing odd jobs for him, which I'm hoping to use to purchase a plane ticket and have some money left over to help out if I can afford to. Of course, I don't presently have anywhere to go, but it's a "just in case I can" thing.

I've looked into a few programs along those lines, even around here. It's not easy to research if you qualify for such benefits, and the lines are very vague in regards to what and how you can proceed with getting help that way. Not to be blunt, but if it's difficult to discern whether or not I can thrive going that way, I'm not going to risk a lot of things to attempt it.

Thank you for the wishes! Unfortunately, if even restarting transitioning will be months from now in this theoretical plan, it won't help much to me. A major source (in most cases, the only source) of my depression and anxiety stem from having to detransition - just to clarify, I don't expect in the slightest to transition quickly or easily, but rather I feel like I need to restart soon and undo such a narrow-minded mistake or risk falling further into this emotional abyss. A bit overly dramatic to word it like that maybe, but I think my point is visible. Again, I hope none of you think I'm expecting to get away and flip a magic switch and everything will be okay - that's not my expectations in the slightest, and they never were. That said, I do have my priorities aligned a specific way, and I wish I could explain this better but it's 4AM, so I should get some sleep instead. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow anywho, so I kind of wished I could have gone to bed earlier... unfortunately, this is one of the few times I can guarantee enough privacy to post here without my family catching sight of any of this.