The fears of possible future divorce

Mj5963,
Hi,
I wonder if I could ask your advice?
I just reading through the posts here and I found yours , I am finding myself in the same situation as you and your wife's. My husband of 20 plus years as just told me he is bi and has been with a few men recently. How did you guys get over this. I feel devastated that he couldn't tell me, i understand how hard it must be for him, I just can't get my head around the fact he cheated. He says he loves me etc. I am thinking if he truly loved me then surely he could have discussed it with me before he went off and cheated.

 

Hi there , first off I am sorry you are dealing with this , I guess I can say I am living this and hope I can give you some thoughts on my journey and how my wife and I have come to a place where are in now .

So you know the brief history but my infidelity started 9 years ago when my same sex attraction. Really became more and more real. My big regret is not talking to my wife before acting but I cannot change it . How has my wife gotten over it ? Well she will never nor will I . I am very aware of the hurt I have caused her but I also want you to know the terrible guilt and shame I felt along the way plus the pain I was in because I never went into my marriage thinking I was gay or bi or whatever label . Obviously it is part of me and deep rooted and was suppressed for long time . But once my wife discovered my double life per say she did both of us a big favor because it was really killing me inside and inpacting all of us . So through lots of talking , therapy and realization that I cannot just forget nor turn off the fact I have same sex attraction . My wife simply is not real sexual and doesn't miss. Nor need it and I told her I will not live a celibate life . She calls out marriage our new normal and she knows I will
Have sex with guys but she doesn't want to know about sort of wearing blinders . So we are great best friends and companions but no longer lovers , we love each other but are not in love . We ha e great kids , families and friends and Neither of us want to throw that away by divorcing . All this being said I am happy and she is happy and the state of limbo seems to be virtually gone . Will we stay married forever as a mixed Orientation marriage ? Not sure but I do know we are trying and will see how it goes . Hope this helps

 

Hi Mj5963,
Thanks for taking the time to reply,
It is kind of you to answer my message.
I guess for me I think if he loved me as he says he does. How could he cheat on me, he says how could he have told me. I would have supported him and talked with him to find some solution I'm sure. I feel bad for him that he's hurting. He says he feels disgusted with himself that he likes what he likes and that he shouldn't. I don't want for him to feel that way.
I guess We will need to keep talking.
Thanks again.

 

I fully get it I had similar feelings about myself too and as I said my regret is not my sexuality I never chose it , it is part of me but never defines me , my regret is I didn't have the guts to tell her when it started to become real and instead I betrayed her and my own trust , that I must live with and will forever be remorseful. I respect that trust is lost but not forever . And through all of this my wife finally accepted me when she said I can't change who I am , and then to know we both want to stay together and as you say not rip our lives apart . And for me being open that my sexuality is very real and I have physical needs and she really tells me she doesn't , I can't live celibate , which is when she suggested I do what I need to do and she will just not need to know about it. So opening the marriage is a step and will it be the right now I don't know . There are many support groups I use HOW (husbands out to wives ) and MMOMW which means making mixed Orientation marriages work. There is lots of support there and this is more prevalent than anyone expects . I also realize divorce is an option for both of us and if so I have told my wife I will accept it if this cannot work. So we work hard and our new normal feels good for now and no pressure to attempt physical romance anymore that is over .

 

Mj5963
Is it poss to pm you please?
I fully understand if u don't .

 

I feel like you wrote exactly what is on my brain. It's comforting to know that it's not just me in this situation. I feel like I just need to be with a woman once to confirm what I think I'm feeling before I throw my marriage away. The financial aspect is a huge reason I am still married. I have 4 kids and a decent paying job but things would get very tight if I was divorced. I like being able to go get my kids a new pair of shoes or go buy myself an outfit and know money is in the bank. If I'm alone that won't be anymore. Plus I live in small town Wyoming so there aren't a whole lot of lesbians running around to date. I have a huge fear I won't find anyone else. I feel the same way about ripping my family apart for my desires. Though it is getting harder to have sex with my husband, I check out a lot and think about what I wish I was doing with a hot chick.