I've felt attractions to women for a very long time...since I was 5 years old at least. And over time they've felt strong and reasonably straightforward. I was 17 when I got my very first tiny hint that I'm into guys and it's only very recently that I've decided to take those feelings seriously and explore sex and relationships with guys. I haven't done anything yet, but even when I imagine being with a guy in my head, it feels more comfortable and right in a way that's hard to explain - except to say that this time round I actually have a feeling that this is right, where before with women I just had the excitement of attraction. I don't think consciously there's a huge difference between being attracted to men or women...but I guess subconsciously gears are meshing instead of grinding. I'm starting to think that all the time I've spent dating and sleeping with women over the last twenty years has actually been doing me damage in a way that I was completely oblivious to at the time. That there was always an unease and lack of connection that I didn't register because I had nothing better to compare it to. I have to say I find it surprising that I could be so unaware of a problem. It's as if consciously I didn't notice something that wasn't there....but subconsciously I did, because I think it caused feelings of anxiety and insecurity and lack of confidence. It's very strange to think that women - who I used to be sure I was into - are becoming my emotional kryptonite. I guess I should stop entertaining any idea of being with a woman in any way, but old habits die hard and I guess I need to cut myself some slack during a time of enormous change. It would be nice though, if there was some explanation of why that attraction to women has been there if it's not my true sexuality. Perhaps that's a question that can never be explained more than by saying, that's just how it is.
But do you enjoy intimacy with women? Do you find yourself attracted to them? Sexuality isn't black and white. You could be bi and simply have a stronger inclination toward men right now.
I like the way you put it and feel the same way with genders reversed. Don't have any answers, though. I think with patience there may come a time when I'll either live into an answer or will grow out of needing one. For me this whole process so far has been about getting comfortable with uncertainty. Struggling to learn to listen to how I actually feel even if it doesn't make sense to my mind. Sounds like you're doing that very well even if the mind never gives up demanding an explanation.
mattblack: The past is done … except in our minds. I suggest accepting your past, including affection w women, as a good & natural thing - it's probably how u held it when it was happening. A big part of loving yourself if accepting yourself, rather than making yourself wrong for it. As u haven't been w a guy, u may or may not feel more comfortable. It's good to be optimistic … but men are different than women, & one man is different from another man. I'd try some experimenting! While we often look for our fantasy in another, the person we end up with, whether for a hookup or a relationship, rarely meets our fantasy. I've learned to minimize my fantasies, so I can stay based around in reality, & open to who the other person really is. Good luck to u.
I like the way you have explained your situation. I guess it is just the way we are brought up to be with the opposite sex that we don't seem to get the unease and lack of connection. We think this is how it is usually - the kind of stuff we see in movies and books are well only fantasy. Until you feel the connection and experience the feelings - it is like OMG!
Yes. The same for me. Mattblack - one question it might be interesting to ponder is: how do you feel about making love to a woman versus making love to a man? I specifically choose the words "making love to" because for me, personally, they hold more weight than just "having sex with"....in my case the former implies greater agency, desire to give to another and deeper connection, whereas the latter is more limited to simple physical pleasure and fulfillment of physical needs. I would say that both layers would likely be present in a fulfilling, intimate relationship.
Yep, nice written. I feel almost the same. Always this nagging voice in the back of your head. Looking back on a nice history with women. But it is a generalsation that sexual orientation is fixed. My sexual orientation changed over time. Not because i was in denail. I truly loved women and had good emotional and sexual as well relationships with t
Yep, nice written. I feel almost the same. Always this nagging voice in the back of your head. Looking back on a nice history with women. But it is a generalsation that sexual orientation is fixed. My sexual orientation changed over time. Not because i was in denail. I truly loved women and had good emotional and sexual as well relationships with them. I have always been bisexual but were i started as a two now i'm a five on the kinsey scale.Oke, in general, of most people there sexual orientation is fixed. But like there is only a 5% of people gay. Why shouldn't there being a 5% of people who got a sexual orientation which is not fixed? Those people are called most of the time bisexual. But i believe strongly that for some people there can be change in sexual orientation. A fluid sexual orientation, which got nothing to do with denail. But is very difficult for them who got this experience. Because once you you feld it happend to you, you always stay questioning if it's gonna happen again vice versa. That is for making a choise relationship wise difficult especially in monogamous world. But i understand perfectly well what you're going through. Don't let anybody tell you whats right or wrong. Not even in the gayscene, the generalisation are the hardest overthere . The only 'right' is yourself.
Very nicely said. After I had my first experience it really set in, how subconsciously dissonant I had been. It's been hard to accept what's been beneath the surface for so long. You don't know until you know...
I guess that's the thing....I never felt like I made love with a woman, but even though I haven't yet I think it would be possible with a guy. When I look at how I feel about women it's like the attraction is there, but not a deeper connection or feeling of ease. And I find that very difficult to reconcile and make peace with.
Matt lack, once you have had a sexual experience with another male you find how it feels to make love as opposed to having sex. Once you do, your prior experiences with women will fade into the background. It is a wonderfully freeing feeling.
For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way. Especially the ease. @Peterpangirl also mentioned greater agency and I've noticed other women saying the same. With a man I feel passive, as if I'm expected to be receiving his attention, admiration, whatever... With a woman I think I'd feel I have more power and can be more 'masculine' in a way. Which seems to be what I need and impossible to get with a man. I wonder if you have any thoughts on this from where you are at.
That hasn't been my experience...but I figure being in a MF relationship could be very different for both sides (?). I think my issue is that I've had these attractions to girls for a very long time, and I'm just really bummed that they've never come to fruition. Perhaps the process of coming is realising that straight relationships are never gonna work and allowing time to grieve for that loss.
