Yesterday I ordered a hormone "kit" and plan to start taking them to transition from MtF. I'm freaked out but excited at the same time. I don't fit. I was born male but have virtually no male friends. I'm not a girly girl either. More masculine female I would say, but I want breasts and a female body. I want to feel feminine and a deep dark part of me wants this. I play female characters and love wearing sexy clothes in virtual worlds. I've had clinical depression since I was young and take medication for it. I often wonder if it's because I'm not who I want to be. But I don't like all things girly either. God I need help. I don't, know if this is the place to talk about sexual tenancies but in short they are bi. I'm very attracted to women, but want to be with women as a trans not as a male. I also like men for their sexual abilities but not much else at this point. I'm also marries with a child so I am very worried about what happens if I take things too far, yet at the same time feel compelled to do something about my life. I've been unhappy for most of it without any clear answer as to why. I need help and don't know if this is the right place to look for it, but I'm hoping for an angel to find me.
This is exactly my situation I've had many friends ask me why I play female characters. The thing is though my parents won't let me transition, so I'll have to wait
I don't know any single girl, cis or trans, who likes all girly things. Yep, this is the right place for support. One of the right places. Do you have support in non virtual life? Look, an angel literally found you: their profile name is ARCangel
Hi there! Glad you found the site. My personal suggestion would be to wait. It may well be beyond tempting to start taking the hormones, but it sounds like there are a lot of variables at play here that, from the way you describe things, you may not have fully worked out (your child not least among them). Your depression may well be playing a part as well, though whether it's contributing to your sense of your gender identity or whether your gender identity is contributing to your depression is hard to say. If you're on medication for depression, my assumption would be that you have a current therapist/counselor. Have you talked with them about this at all? Also, if you're thinking about transitioning, is this the first step you'd be taking? Or have you tried presenting as a woman before, etc.? Hope to hear more from you!
Thank you so much for the feedback! These are all really great questions. I've had body dysphoria for a long time. As a child (10ish) I remember trying to stretch my penis to my anus because I wanted to pee like a girl. Yeah, that didn't really work out. But most of my life I've dismissed transitioning. First, because pre-internet, I didn't know such a thing existed. And second I was so depressed, anxious and socially awkward that I felt like I didn't fit in the world. I often felt that I was born in the wrong time or wrong planet and I wanted to get off of it. I cross-dressed for Halloween one year and my guess is I took it too far, because all people did was stare at me. I felt socially ostracized and that brought back memories of my childhood and never feeling confident about myself or that I had much value. I tried taking herbs for a few months about 12 years ago but when my wife discovered what I was up to, I chose to stop out of fear and non acceptance. I'm not currently seeing a psychiatrist because I've been on antidepressants/anxiety medicine for about 17 years without much change in my prescription. It seems to work really well and so I have my General practitioner write the scrip. However, I reached out just today to someone who specializes in gender dysphoria and am anxious to hear back and see if I can start some kind of a therapy session. But right now I feel like I've come to a line in the sand and need to figure out how to be happiest. Just the thought of having breasts, long hair and wearing a summer dress makes my heart race... as does my anxiety. Thank goodness for Xanax.
Thank you so much for your reply. The people I'm friends with online all think I'm a woman. And for all intents and purposes I am also in my own mind. I don't feel like a male pretending. Though, I wish I could voice chat to dispel any doubt. If I do decide to transition, then I guess that will become a reality. Yay for angels! We need more in the world.
You can already start training your voice, making it softer and melodic, and then someday rock the voice chat! There's no need/help from hormones, about voice (in mtf direction). It's all in your patience and constant training.I don't think transitioning without the guide of an endocrinologist is a good idea. I don't like to scare you, but BradThePug (he's in this forum) had a friend who died because she didn't check her health conditions (blood test) often enough. Try to take hormones under medical surveillance, try to start therapy for GD diagnosis. Be well
Self-medication is a really scary thing. Like another user mentioned a few months ago I lost a friend to it because she did not have herself medically checked before starting. Turns out she had a heart condition that was worsened by her hormones not being regulated correctly. Anytime you are messing with your hormonal system, you are messing with something that is very delicate. One wrong step can lead you in a world of trouble. Estrogen is known to cause blood clot issues, which can lead to both heart attacks and strokes. Also, your liver can be affected by hormones, so monitoring liver function is important as well. Another thing is that these medications are not reviewed by the FDA, so you really don't know what is in them and the effects that will have on your body. I'm not posting that to scare you, but to inform you of the risks that come into play when you are self-medicating. It sounds like you may be seeing a gender therapist soon, and that is a good thing. I would talk to them about how you are feeling. It is important to make sure that you are mentally in the right place to transition. There really is more to it than just taking the hormones. You have to be able to handle the reactions of others around you, as well as the fact that your body is changing. It is like going through puberty all over again, which is a very weird experience.
All good points. Fortunately, I don't have any incidence of heart disease in my family. None the less I will bring this up when I talk to the specialist.
