It's been roughly two months since I had the jolting realization that I've been actively suppressing my homosexuality. Since then, I've begun to allow myself to experience those feelings as they come without judging or silencing them. The challenging part of this is that: A) I'm married, in a foreign country until early next year, and separation from my husband would be a logistical nightmare at this point, and, B) Being anything but straight is illegal in India. There are some communities that are more lenient, my current city being one, but it's an immoral characteristic in the eyes of the majority of citizens. So, I'm treading lightly. In my yoga Teacher Training, a group of about 20 women, I noticed someone. Class after class, I'd catch myself looking at her, hoping she'd talk to me or place her mat next to mine during practice. At first, I judged myself on how silly this all seemed, and then I focused on putting my judgement aside. I noticed that she was also glancing at me throughout class, even when it meant turning away from the lecturer. So this has continued for months. I know she's married, with a son the same age as mine. And I also know that, statistically speaking, it's not unreasonable to believe that I'm not the only woman in class with same-sex attraction. As our course is nearing its end, we are practicing for exams. I taught a class on Friday, and while I wanted to correct her posture during the class because she actually needed the help, I totally shied away. After the class she waited to speak with me, and showered me with praise on the class. She also mentioned that I had an athletic body, which I know could be totally innocuous, but it made me blush. We spoke about India, the US, our sons, and not our husbands. It seemed so apparent that neither of us wanted to leave the conversation, but I had to go. At this point, she clumsily looked through her bag and fished out her business card asking me to call her if I need anything. I wouldn't further complicate my already complicated marriage despite my intentions to divorce eventually, but DAMN, it felt so good to indulge in that connection.
I'd say it definitely sounds like there was something there, although we can never know for sure. I can totally see that you don't want to further complicate your situation though
Yeah, be careful with this. I understand how nice it feels to connect with the other yoga mom--especially now that you've "come out" to yourself. Many of us here have had similar experiences of falling for women in our every day lives wondering if they feel the same spark/attraction. More often than not it's more wishful thinking and these women end up being straight and simply looking for friendship I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I'm really not. And of course there is always that slim chance she's thinking of you that way. Just be aware that you may be setting yourself up for the classic crush on a straight girl. You know...I'm beginning to wonder if it's just all part of the journey of "coming out". So many of us on this board have experienced it. Not that this is an option for me (I'm married with kids and not willing to give up my life right now to pursue) but it seems as though sticking to a lesbian community is the safest bet to finding a soul mate Good luck and I hope she feels the same way! I say that sincerely
Thank you both for replying. @silverhalo It certainly did feel flirtatious, and natural. I felt strong in the conversation, not like when I spoke with men who were interested (I would be the damsel in distress, or try to play overly confident). Just further confirmation for the journey ahead. @SweetSoulJulia At this point, all I can accept and offer is friendship. Even if I never find out whether it was more than just being polite, I'll be totally fine. What meant the most was recognizing and allowing my feelings instead of suppressing them. I do see the trend of falling for straight/unavailable women, and it's something I'll keep in mind as I work through all of this.
