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All the emotions today.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NeonSocks, Jul 20, 2017.

  1. NeonSocks

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    I like this idea! I will of course have to play things by ear and see how everything goes, but I think this is a good plan to stick by.
     
  2. NeonSocks

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    Well, I did a horrible job of sticking to my plan from yesterday. :slight_smile:

    I had a good six hours of road therapy driving over here and that was enough to get me lost further in the dark recesses of my mind.

    My mom took one look at me and instantly started asking (gently) if I was ok and how things are at home. I was bound and determined to keep to my plan, but before I knew it the words just started pouring out of my mouth.

    I told them everything. How I am having this huge identity crisis. How some days I think I am going crazy. How I feel like I am tearing my life apart. And how despite it all, I finally feel right.

    I did not expect this conversation to go smoothly as my family is pretty right leaning. But once again, bless my parents for being so wonderful and open minded. They couldn't have cared less and continued to reassure me that the only thing they want for me is to be happy and at peace with myself.

    My mom especially made me cry when she told me "this won't be an easy journey, but you are strong and I am always going to protect your happiness no matter what."

    After all the emotions and confusion this year has brought to my life, I feel like I am coming home in the most literal sense. I feel like finally after 31 years I am heading down a path that is right for me. Finally, there is a slight lift in the fog and the light is peaking in.
     
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  3. Adray

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    Good for you!

    That is awesome, and I'm happy for you.
     
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  4. Searching1

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    Oh I am so happy for you that you were able to open up to your mom! It is such a nice feeling finally being open with people you care about and sharing what you are going through. What a beautiful response your mom had- protecting your happiness.

    I agree that despite the mess of it all, a huge part of me feels finally a path of happiness and a fog lifting. It's scary but liberating going through this all. I have found sharing with people just keeps getting easier. It's almost frightening how easy it has become as it is almost becoming my reality.. but it is also exciting.
     
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  5. NeonSocks

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    Thank you! And I agree, it does feel like each time it gets easier and I get stronger.
     
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  6. leb10

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    So glad your parents were receptive! What a relief! Hope the rest of your visit is relaxing and replenishing :slight_smile:
     
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  7. junebug99

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    That's awesome! I'm so glad you talked to them. Moms always know when somethings up. It always feels better to just let it all out. You must feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I just had a huge weight lifted off mine and I feel so much better.
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Aww I'm so glad it worked out well, your mum and family sound amazing. So often the whole truth is the best way forward, you will find the place that's right for you just keep moving forward.
     
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  9. NeonSocks

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    Do you ever have those days when it all seems to almost go away and you wonder what the hell you are doing?

    I got back from my trip late Monday and crossing the state line, I instantly felt all the stress and pressure of this come back to rest on my shoulders.

    Things were a little weird at first, but we talked and for the first time in a long time I saw my best friend. His smile was back and his eyes seemed almost happy instead of empty and searching like they have for so many months now. And it killed me. It killed me to know that I still can't figure things out completely, but know regardless changes will need to be made.

    Last night all I wanted was to touch him. Not in a sexual way, I just wanted to feel him close to me. And again the whole time I laid there analysing every thought. Wondering if it was just the physical closeness I craved or if it was him and if it was him then why do I keep wandering off on this path.

    I don't have the answers and I don't suspect I will until I can truly understand myself. But damnit if there isn't a part of me that sees how unfair this is to him and just wants to end everything so he can be free.

    So much to process and work through. Just needed to get it out of my mind and let go of it for today.
     
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  10. beenthrdonetht

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    Yay for mom. Sounds like mine (RIP). She could feel people's emotions through walls. Smart woman, she went into psychiatry and worked with kids.

    A lot for you to work through. Is it possible for you to say to him some of the things you said here? He does need to know that you again and still see him as a friend, and that it wasn't all just a mirage. And that you understand how unfair (from a certain perspective) it is. And that you still can't do anything about it except be yourself.

    Just a thought. So easy to tell other people to communicate. I should take my own medicine.

    P.S. That image you posted in some other thread of multicolored socks was rad.
     
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  11. Searching1

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    Oh yes, I'm right there with you. I'm such a mess of confusion lately. I get random glances or moments with my husband where the rush of comfort I have towards him takes over. His sweet, sincere eyes, and his intense desire towards me. It kills me what I am putting him through. I still don't desire to be physical with him at all but I still love and care for him.

    It is terribly confusing. I feel like a part of myself had accepted I'm gay so when these moments come of "NO, everything is fine".. I am incredibly torn. I am afraid there is no easy answer and maybe not a right answer a what to do. We just have to keep moving one step at a time.
     
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  12. leb10

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    I relate sooo much. I'm sorry you had one of those days. Hope it feels a little less awful and overwhelming in the morning
     
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  13. NeonSocks

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    @beenthrdonetht Thank you! And yeah, my parents are pretty awesome people. I have a lot of respect for them. As for talking, we are working towards this conversation but I don't think we have been very good about just getting everything out there. We have pieces of the talk, but never seem to be able to get past certain points. He can't understand how I don't know what is going on with me- to him it should be a clear decision. I keep asking for time to get things figured out, but with the caveat that I don't want to string him along. We are a mess.

    And the socks...thank you! I work in finance and my previous job had a pretty conservative dress code. I bought a pack of socks very similar to those as my way of keeping some individuality and fun in my day. :slight_smile:
     
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  14. NeonSocks

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    Yes, this is it exactly! It tears me apart and every time I think I am making progress and moving forward, it's ten steps back.
     
  15. NeonSocks

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    @leb10 thank you and sleep definitely did help clear my mind. : )
     
  16. Imjustjulien

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    Hi Neonsocks, I love that name, just a big bright smile, that walks everywhere with you... I've just been catching up on the many beautiful thoughtful posts to your thread... EC is with you, how wonderful.

    The thought just came, (prompted by my own realisations of recent weeks...this unfolding, is such a journey) that chances are those close to you, not all naturally but, those that really intuitively get you, they know and have done maybe always - are just waiting for you to come to it openly too - and are just hanging out to ask you and share with you or embrace - clumsily or nervously or whatever - in their own unique way 'are you gay', or 'I guessed...', or 'I've been wondering...', or 'I'm so happy for you...', or 'I love you...', 'you're so gorgeous...' and a thousand variations.

    Its something I get now with so many around me, they're waiting, they know. They want you to be happy, what your rainbow looks like is up to you.

    Bottom line, it will be ok.

    You're ok. Big hugs to you.
     
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  17. Rana

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    I understand this whole heartedly. I feel like this right now with respect to my ex. "Ex"...the word feels foreign to me, but cuts deep right now. It hasn't even been 24 hours since my break up, but yes, I just want to feel her next to me as well. Then I remember all the reasons I had to break away and I'm left just with pain. Ugh! Make it go away!
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Do you want to talk about your break up? Ha correction, I've just seen your thread I have posted there. Hugs.
     
    #58 silverhalo, Sep 7, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2017
  19. NeonSocks

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    Thank you and I can't tell you how much your post meant to me!

    I agree. Those that truly know me already know everything they need to know and haven't abandoned me yet. :slight_smile: They are just waiting for me to find myself and by allowing me that space and time, are making this journey a little less cumbersome. I am so glad I found EC as I don't think I could have gotten this far without the support of everyone on here.

    Reading everyone's journey and seeing the humanity and caring that people share for complete strangers really says a lot about how wonderful and embracing this community is.

    Thank you for reminding me to smile and yes, it will be ok. There can't be healing without some pain and all I long for is to heal.

    I am sending you a huge hug back because everyone needs a hug and today seems like the perfect day to embrace that.
     
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  20. Imjustjulien

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    Feeling hugged...thank you
     
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