Growing increasingly dissatisfied with my life

Hi! Can't you date without telling your parents? Or maybe you can meet up with other gay friends? You might meet new people by hanging out with other friends.. Try using dating apps if that's a bit more discreet for you just starting texting with other guys. Also, maybe you can work towards moving out? If you work towards a goal that might motivate you to work hard. Meeting and talking with people might really help a lot though.

 

Sounds you would be much happier moving out. Its hard when you're going to school. Maybe get a part time job and save up some money. Making goals for your self to be able to move out might also be helpful.

 

Sometimes it is better to be patient in ones situation while working toward a goal that will open those doors we want to go through right now. You said your going to school, I assume college. I would concentrate on a degree that will open those doors for individualism and independence that you so desire right now. Once you have a degree and career you can financially support yourself and live true to yourself. Time passes pretty quickly so be patient and have a goal to achieve when timing is right.

 

If I were in your shoes I would focus on School, Job and getting your life together before worrying about dating. I know that doesn't sound like fun, but it sounds like though you are "out" most of your family hasn't accepted it or is not Ok with it. That being said you have a full plate and without a place of your own where you can be you freely you're likely on overload and don't need the added stress of trying to have a relationship while keeping it separate from everything else... It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you that isn't easy but getting a Job and keeping at the schoolwork should be at the top of the list, once you have a job do your best to either work towards school or saving up for a place (I don't know your situation, but having your own place even if with roommates will be expensive, and depending on the job it may take a while to get up to a living wage, and school isn't necessarily a guarantee). Then finally once you get some of the other stuff off of your plate I would look at the dating part.. I've seen a lot of folks be in a hurry and take on too much too soon and never really get out of the rut, or have a hard time for a lot longer than they needed before getting things together. But keep your chin up! I've been in the hole very deep myself to where it took years to dig out and it is possible if you have faith and just keep your nose to the grindstone. Things WILL get better! ...Just my opinion here.

 

You're not alone. I'm in my early 30's, still at home. My family doesn't even know about my sexuality and are very homophobic. I don't feel like I can date until I move out. Moving out though isn't easy. I don't have a degree of worth and can't afford more school. I can't afford therapy anymore either. I'm afraid of getting stuck in a low income job I hate just to survive. I don't even know if I could handle full time employment because of energy or stress. I feel trapped a lot. I've spent the better part of my week crying and feeling suicidal because dating seems pretty hopeless on top of everything.

I dont know about you but I was never given the tools I needed to succeed on an emotional level and moreover I've had many obstacles to make life harder. Whatever the reason, you have extra burdens and frankly that makes you pretty strong. Not a failure. And asking for help, getting what you need, is what successful people do. Have you talked to your therapist what you shared here? How are they helping you to be in control over your emotions and life? Medication can be helpful, I just think we need more than that. My therapist helped me find ways to feel good or calm myself, and that's pretty empowering. I'm not at the total mercy of my feelings. If your therapist isn't helping you much in progressing, maybe it's time to find another therapist. Someone who has a different view or skill sets. A different therapy approach. Maybe a L.C.S.W. or a life coach would be helpful?

I don't know if this will help you, but I'll link some articles that helped me. The language is corse and their wisdom a biting cold bucket of reality, but even so it helped me to have hope again in a realistic way. Like, getting a life I want is very hard but it's doable and worth the effort. I think, for me at least, my depression all has to do with how trapped and powerless I feel to live my own life. Realizing I have the power to take small steps to take control of my life and eventually move out lessens my depression.

You said you don't know what you want to do for a career. Not everyone knows what they want to do. People switch careers too. Not ideal, but it happens and you make do. Maybe focus on whatever it is that will get you out of the house to live your own life because that may help you the most with depression. Better to do that than to give up.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better/

http://www.cracked.com/article_18544_how-the-karate-kid-ruined-modern-world.html

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

 

I know each of us are different with dealing problems. I hear a lot about therapist and antidepressants. I do have depression issues too but I don't think I can afford therapist or meds, I never did those. Medications have side effects and eventually your body gets used to it and you become dependent on it, so i dont like those. I don't have anything against those who use them though. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you HAVE and you CAN control it. If you're feeling lonely, try to do something like maybe focus on your studies or your job? You need to help yourself. Do something to get your attention out of something that is beyond your control. If you're used with having a therapist around and now you dont have access to one, you can always go online like what you just did and say what you feel, like here in E.C. or google ways to counteract depression. I dont know wheather you have a religion or not, but just remember and believe that everything will get better. When i was a freshman in college, my dad suddenly died. I lived with him so when he passed, I had to transfer from one relative to another relative's house and another until i finished school since I can't afford it at all, i didnt get a single cent from my dad's passing. I focused on studying and whenever i feel lonely, i cry sure but i didnt let my loneliness get the best of me. I'm closeted and had my heart broken a couple of times and during those times i dont have support coz nobody knew about it. I felt like dying but I dont have a choice but to help myself. Eventually I was able to finish school and now working a full time job. So yeah, hang on there ok. They gave you good advices here. Just be strong and be patient and know and stick to your priorities

 

Some comments regarding your situation. I have found from personal experience that Isolation is an incubator for depression and It helps to get out among the living and occupy your mind. Free time is an enemy for depressed people. You need to feel a sense of self worth, a sense of accomplishing something, I believe filling up ones day helps get the mind off negative self focus. Any type of employment is better than none, volunteering time to an organization, get a pet to care for, check out social opportunities in your community, concerts, plays, lectures, get a hobby, I like to hike and joined a gym. Fill up your mind with purpose filled activities and you will have less time to feel bad about yourself.

 

I'd suggest joining the Military & seeing the world but God Forbid if you did this now Trump may have you killed...
Yes! Relax! It is a joke meant to lighten you up in the face of a very difficult situation.

 

From my own experience, moving out of my parent's house was the most freeing decision I'd ever made. I know that's probably not very helpful, but it should give you something to look forward to.

 

It's time to take up the reigns on your life. If you're dissatisfied, it's time to start making changes. Get a job, any job. Hell, get a number of part time jobs, for that matter, and work out a schedule with them. Save the money you need to move out, and get out on your own away from the influences that you feel are dragging you down. Staying stagnant and mulling over how miserable you are is not going to help your depression, but forcing yourself into action can.

 

I think you need to force yourself into some things right now, like using every resource possible at your disposal: taking classes for job searching; finding a mentorship; going to school full time instead of part time and applying for grants and scholarships to live on campus, etc.

I know that depression can be mind and body numbing, but if you're able-bodied and healthy otherwise, I think you absolutely need to force yourself into doing some things past the tiredness. Maybe consider seeing a new therapist and reevaluating your anti-depressants. Sometimes you need to loop back around and see what's working and what isn't (a process that can take months but is usually worth it when done correctly). Right now, it sounds like your anti-depressants aren't working for you the way they're supposed to. Medication is tricky, but it works if you find the one that's right for you while getting the help that's right for you. You shouldn't be suicidal or continuously depressed on them. YES, it can happen. And YES, it happens a lot/they even offer supplemental anti-depresants to add to your anti-depressant, but I think any good psychiartist or therapist would agree that in those cases, there's either a deeper issue (clinical depression, or something that needs to be worked out), or the medication is not the right one for you/wrong dosage - which is unnaturally common in our pill popping' society. It's also nothing to be ashamed about, it just happens.

I am totally sympathetic to being stuck in a rut and how incredibly blasé and paralyzing it can be, but I guarantee that if you push yourself to find a solution and start taking steps (again, granted you're able bodied and healthy otherwise) toward the life you want to live, no matter how much your inner self tells you to resist, you'll find what you seek.

Just keep in mind that it's really easy to get stuck in the hole of your depression and not crawl out until everything feels like it's too late, which will fuel more depression and self loathing, causing a continuous cycle. But it's never too late.

Also, do not underestimate the self hatred cycle you can get stuck in while living in a home that feels homophobic and not accepting. It's hard to see it sometimes, but I've seen people stick around their homes for way too long waiting for approval they needed on a subconscious level. All they ended up doing was wasting their lives waiting for something only they could give to themselves.

You can do it. Move forward. Find resources. Reevaluate. Make things happen for yourself so you can be where you want. Do things with intention. Do things through the tiredness/paralysis.

 

There are usually psychology clinics for those who can't afford traditional therapy/psychiatry. It can take a little while to get an appointment, but especially in a large city like Houston (if you're located there), you've got some options if you cannot deal with the financial burdens.

Again, if you're able bodied and well otherwise, I think you need to push yourself to find another path, since the one you're on isn't working well for you. There are definitely circumstances where one is SOL, but the situation's usually pretty dire -- I'm not sure you're there yet. And I totally get that the medical industry can suck. I've had my fair share of shit in that area, but still, you've gotta keep going till you find the right person/thing that can help. Giving up on yourself and staying this way is a pretty crappy option. Everyone on this forum can try to help you, but ultimately, you've gotta find what will help you out the best given your current circumstances.

Wishing you the best!

 

As well, I would leave any doctor immediately who tells you they can't do much in the way of helping via medication. And in that vein, I would strongly urge you to not accept/deal with a PCP regarding depression/anxiety medications, if that's what you've been doing. It's pretty controversial, and I believe, completely inappropriate for a PCP to ever prescribe medications for mental health issues. They are not trained for that, therefore usually have no clue what they're doing.

Your attitude seems a bit defeatist. Like there's absolutely nothing out there to help you out - I just don't believe that.
Perhaps you should take a step back, relax, and let some time pass by while you reevaluate how you'd like to go forward in helping yourself. Because again, unfortunately -- and fortunately -- you're the only one who can help yourself, especially given the limits of this forum.

You may want to think about talking to some family or friends about your struggles. I think it would do you well to look into cheaper therapy options.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/affordable-therapy?utm_term=.yn2lp3yla#.mtjY15zYm

That's an article with options for finding therapy when you can't afford it. I have a friend who couldn't afford therapy, but found a type of training clinic. I believe she pays like $10 each session. Some LGBTQ clinics can help with this, too. I believe you have more options than being SOL. Depression sucks, but staying in it sucks way more. You can do it!