I've been fairly sure of my sexuality for some time now; I've been aware of my attraction to boys for 6 years. However, I've only recently started my coming out process due to the fact that I was raised LDS in Utah. Right now the only people that know are my parents and brothers, 1 LDS friend and several of my non-LDS friends (all of whom are accepting, mercifully). My problem comes from the fact that I want to explore my orientation (i.e. low key dating) but I don't know if I can do that without it reaching my congregation. While I know there will be some in the ward who will support me, it's an extremely conservative and gossipy place. If I act on my attraction, I'll likely be disciplined or excommunicated from the church. This could put a 'scarlet letter' on my family in the ward, not to mention affect my relationship with my straight LDS friends who I genuinely like. On top of all of this, my extended family on both sides is extremely LDS (as in descended from Church prophets), and I risk making a rift. I only know of 1 of my aunt totally supporting LGBT rights (although 2 potentially do as well, not sure). It would hurt my mom's parents to come out to them because the Church is their life, and I've been one of their closest grandkids (as in Sunday dinner every week or so since I can remember). Not that there's a risk of being disowned, but they're high-strung people. My father's side is conservative, and I worry this could cause people to no longer be on speaking terms with me (I've heard some anti-LGBT jokes and sentiments at family gatherings). I've found myself in a Catch-22, because I want to act on my feelings without tearing a rift in my extended family or making myself a total social pariah at school. I really would like some advice from people who've experienced something like this about what I ought to do. Also apologies if this sounds super angsty and self-pityish.
Hi blueshoe17, Your post isn't angsty or self-pitying. You have a lot to work out and posting on EC is a good way to think about. Now I haven't been in your situation so my comments will be a bit general but hopefully you'll find them useful. It seems clear that you feel unable to act on your attractions while you reside with your family, so my question is: do you plan to move out of home (maybe to the nearest city) and if so when are you thinking of doing that? The reason I ask is because that would allow to compartmentalise your life somewhat. So you could explore your attractions without worrying about your family finding out until you were ready or decided to tell them (and of course you wouldn't have to tell all of your family if you don't want to). There seems to be a number of LGBT LDS support groups online (just did a quick google search) so maybe look at those. They might have some really good advice or ideas and of course they will have been or be in the (almost) same situation as you (especially if you are not moving out for a while or don't want to move away). Hope this helps and just remember that it's your life, you have to live so make it something you want to wake up to everyday. Wishing you well.
I've been looking into some groups (Affirmation and the like) for support. The course of action that my parents recommended was to keep my sexuality on the down low (absolutely no pun intended) while I see out my senior year, and dating would be a quiet sort of deal. I'm a stellar student who's trying to apply to schools out of state in places that are more tolerant (NY, California, Massachusetts) so that I can compartmentalize that section of my life and drop off the Church's radar that way.
I don't know that I have a lot of advice other than to hang in there, be true to yourself and trust that the people around you will come around. I think your plan is a good one. I may not have a lot of suggestions but I can definitely empathize. I grew up Mormon in Salt Lake. My parents were temple workers. I came out in the early nineties. For most of the people I grew up with I was the first out gay person they had ever met. It was difficult for my parents but they rallied. I went away to school (in my case Cambridge, MA) and came back gay. I guess it's possible that the Mormons in my life had issues with it but they never showed it. My husband and I attended family functions and my parents frankly adored him. They never pretended he was anyone other than who he is and always introduced him proudly. When we would visit Utah, as we did frequently, most people just seemed excited that I had come home. My husband was pall bearer at both of my parents funerals and all anyone ever commented about was how supportive and strong he was and what a great relationship it seemed that we had. All I can really say is that in my experience the LDS people I grew up with are good people, not the most worldly, but good people who care about their families and their neighbors. In my experience they will be worried that something like this will ruin your life. Show them that it hasn't and they'll come around.
Sounds like you have a good plan in mind. A good balance between being yourself and not coming out to everyone until you are ready. Yeah, it's frustrating sometimes to keep things quiet or low key but in your case it seems like a sensible course of action.
I am in almost the exact same situation as you are right now. I suggest you wait until you are certain you can handle living alone, not because theu will kick you out, but they may try to (unfortunately) convert you or make you straight. In all honesty, i dont know the church very well, but if you are anything like JWs, they will tell you to remain abstinent for the rest of your life. If you do want to date a guy, if you can keep it secret and you are ok with not telling your family, then go for it! If you ever wanna chat im always open. Good luck with your family!
blueshoe17.....I am not LDS and I am not a teenager. But I have been a high school teacher for a long time in an area of Idaho that has a higher percentage of Mormons than Salt Lake City does. It seems that your parents are really great. So many LDS parents would not have reacted that way your folks have....cherish that and listen to them. The LDS church does not make a big deal about being gay if you commit to life-long celibacy . That is a pretty big problem for most folks. I have talked extensively with a lot of Mormon boys who have felt trapped in that they really have no choice but to serve a mission, get married after and immediately have kids. For several of them this has seemed like a life-sentence to living in a that they do not want. Three gay LDS boys that talked to me were almost suicidal. There was also a boy that had graduated just two years before the LDS Church made their statement about children of families that had a gay parent not being able to be baptized until they were 18. He went rock climbing and just jumped off a cliff with his gear at the bottom. His father found him. He was in my classes and I always though that he might be gay. The pressure that is on LDS boys who are 17-19 is tremendous. My best suggestion is to: First) take your parents advice, Second) Do your best to find a way to separate your "Gay Self" from those people who know you in your ward. Moving to an area where there are not quite so many Mormons would likely help. There is a video of Clark Johnsen that you might want to watch. He was one of the original cast members of "The Book of Mormon - The Musical". He was/is LDS and has a lot to say that might help you. I will put the link below. Good luck and don't be afraid to come back to emptyclosets and let us know how you are doing.....David http://www.mormonstories.org/clark-johnsen-from-byu-to-broadways-book-of-mormon-musical/
Hey buddy! It sounds like you are in a really tight spot and speaking as an ex-Catholic it is tough to think about being gay and wondering if people in a community will accept the you. It is okay to have questions and the important thing is to go looking for the answers, try a public library as they have lot on LGBT+ and the important thing is to read up, and I would not date until you are more "out" as it may hurt your family more if they did not know and find out that way trust me, I know a dude who had his phone confiscated by his parents and found his ###### account. YIKES! On the other hand, it depends on how dependent you are on your mum and dad, really.
My parents are totally accepting and most definitely will not kick me out (and view parents who do so shamefully). They're obviously still trying to come to terms with it, but now they constantly joke about it with me (not in a homophobic way at all, but in good humor. Gotta laugh at myself sometimes). I'm more worried about the effects in my my extended family (esp. grandparents), my ward community, and my LDS friend sphere in that order. This is where my dilemma lies. Now that school's started back up I've been coming out more and more to non-LDS friends of mine, and the response has overwhelmingly been accepting/hasn't changed their opinion of me (which I consider good). People have been actually asking me questions about the whole LGBT experience that (while I'm not at all an expert) are really thoughtful and have led to good discussion. I've also got a crush on a friend of mine and he just might reciprocate (I know he's gay and he knows I am too so it's not like a straight-chasing scenario that I've gone thru now twice). =)
blueshoe17.....So very happy for you! Having parents that love and accept you is one of the most important things you can ever have. Hang in there and be that person who shows others that being gay is normal...not bad....David
Wow glad to hear your parents accepted you! That's so great! At least your school crowd is accepting. My advice is to surround yourself with supportive people, so that if/when people do not react well, you have them to fall back on.
blueshoe17....When I say don't do it, I am referring to hiding your sexuality from yourself. That will only lead to an internal conflict that can tear you apart. You can lie to yourself all you want but deep down you will always know the truth. The internal conflict that arrises because of this will eat away at you and can ultimately cause all kinds of emotional and physical damage. I know...because I did this. I am ever so thankful that I found emptyclosets when I did. It became my life-line and helped me through one of the worst times of my life. i am now in such a better place than I ever was before I finally gave in and accepted that I was gay! I have learned that being gay is the way that I was born....for me it is normal. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years, raised a family of three boys and now have four grandkids. But....I am gay. Society expected me to be straight and in the 1950's/1960's I didn't know that there was any alternative. So, in spite of my same-sex attractions, I ended up in a straight marriage. It wasn't easy, but I wanted a family and i managed to survive. i have never been with a man and probably never will....that in no way changes the fact that i am gay. I am about a 5 on the Kinsey scale, so even though it's difficult, I have managed. I am ever so glad that our society is changing so that the youth of today may not have to endure what I went through. I have built a life with my wife and the two of us do love each other. We have chosen to stay together. I know that others may make different choices, and that is their right. I wish you the best of luck in your life and hope that you can find the path that works for you....David
Coming back again to ask for advice. I'm less concerned about family issues now (I learned a few more people on my mom's side are pro-LGBT, and I can put off a coming out to my fam at large) than with LDS issues. This next Sunday I'm going in for my yearly temple recommend interview with my bishop. For non-LDS folks who don't know, the interview is a screening process to get permission to attend LDS temples to do various sacred ordinances and rites; holding a temple recommend is a sign of impeccable standing with the church. As such, the interview's questions ask if there are any personal "transgressions" of the LDS moral code that make one unworthy to attend the temple. The interviewing bishop asks if you've violated the doctrine on sexuality (e.g. premarital sex, adultery, homosexual activity, rape) My concern is that my bishop might flat out ask me if I'm gay. I've tried especially hard to keep my status known only within accepting circles, but word can get around in my neighborhood and community. What do I say if he presses me? I know that I could lie, except that my bishop is a really good friend of the family who I wouldn't feel okay lying to, not to mention that I'm not exactly the straightest gay (I'm not flamboyant, I've just always been somewhat different and aloof from the other guys in my ward). It's not like what I did in prior interviews, where I didn't get direct questions and omitted stuff. I mean, I haven't broken the law of chastity or entered homosexual relations with anyone, so technically I'm fulfilling But I'm wondering if I want to open this can of worms or not? If my bishop knew, it could lead me being disciplined by the church (not allowed to take sacrament, get removed from a calling I have, not having a recommend) in a very public way, which would cause word to get out and have bad repercussions for my family. At the same time, I want to begin the process of easing my way out of the church and being able to express myself somewhat more openly (like be able to date?) I'd love for some advice on what to do. I've asked my parents and, being new to this whole thing too, didn't really know what to do.
Hi blueshoe17, Glad things are going well with your family. That's a great start and means you know they will be supportive throughout. There's no rush to tell the rest of the family but you've made a great start. As for the conundrum with your bishop, I'm not religious at all so not sure how good my advice would be but I'll give it a shot. So you could take the technical approach and answer honestly that you haven't broken any rules. This would be the omission approach you mentioned before and would make sense to stick to that. The problem is if he directly asks whether you are gay (to me such an intrusive question is completely unacceptable and it makes me quite angry that someone would feel that entitled to intrude on someones personalise). Having said that, how likely is it that he will ask? Is he allowed to ask? And if he does, isn't the LDS position that you aren't supposed to act on being gay? (forgive me if I've go that wrong) Your parent might be best placed to help explain the position on being gay but not acting on it. I know you say you want to date (which is great) but are you happy to look at that as a separate issue and just focus on the interview? Also, you said he is a family friend, do you or your parents know whether he pro-LGBT or flexible when it comes to interpreting the rules? I ask because if he is trustworthy and concerned about your personal well being then you could tell him and ask his advice and the recommendation? I guess this the would the high risk approach and it entirely depends on how much he can be trusted. Just some thoughts, hope it helps. wishing you well.
