Ok,here it is. I am a 25 year old male and up until a few months ago never considered i might be gay but, now looking back i realize perhaps i have been repressing some things without being aware i am doing it. I never experienced a crush as a young child, and never felt any kind of interest in girls at all. Dating, romance, and curiosity about womens bodies were just not a factor in the majority of my life. As i got older though, i started to notice the absence of these feelings. I would ask myself for years when i was going to understand what all the o her guys were feeling towards girls. I felt like i was waiting for something that never came. Finally, around 18 i got a girlfriend but , it was only because she persued me. Might as well right?. At first i hade a difficult time with the sex. It required a lot of concentration to keep myself going until the end. That past though and i guess i coonditioned myself to perform on command. I would even seek it out at times. We eventually broke up because of my drinking and a growing resentment i felt towards her for reasons i cant explain. Years go by and i dont look for another girl or even really miss it. Now to the present. I am a delivery driver for home depot and drive hundreds of mile a day. While picking up a transfer from another store i encountered a very attractive, clearly gay guy employee around my age. We talk briefly about this or that and i leave to load up my truck. I could have done it on my own but for some reason i go back inside and recruit him to help me. Something about his mild femmenine mannerisms captivated me. Driving back i realize i am the happiest ive felt....ever, and i start checking every day hoping to see i have another transfer there. In retrospect i think i was actually flirting with him which is something i didnt even really understand how to do and definitely had never done with a woman. Since being gay had never occured to me before this point i dont really know what to do or think. Any insights or opinions would help greatly. Am i gay?
Only you can answer that. But i had a lot of signs back as early as middle school pop up that i just brushed aside, easily. I never naturally looked at guys, just girls, but at the same time i didn't realize what i was doing b/c there was no obvious sexual component to it. I was like 11/12 in middle school at the time. I never had ' the talk' i learned it all by word of mouth in school and reading fanfics. So i genuinely didn't understand the impact of what i noticed but brushed aside. Like, when girls would talk about guys or oogle at a photo online i just played along b/c i didn't get it. I figured i was just some innocent girl raised in a very conservative christian home by a controlling mother, so of course they matured faster than me. It would come eventually. So i played along but it never did, and no one ever believed me either. Eventually in highschool i had repressed everything to the point you could have called me asexual, i never dated nor expressed an interest in dating and strangely i have the one mom who genuinely prefers that. So it was never questioned. I would get asked from time to time if i was gay but i always denied it and i always believed that to be true but strangely it never felt right to say no i'm straight i like guys back. So yeah, i had lots of signs but i repressed them instead of noticing them. It was only until i noticed irl things like you with the obviously gay guy that i started to question it and connect the dots.
No one else can tell you what your sexuality is. Even their best guess can be wrong. You are the best judge of your experiences and feelings. Not to say it's easy to understand yourself, it took me awhile to figure things out too. From the limited info you provided I can't honestly guess if you're gay or not. I would say it's a good theory and it's something you should explore in what ways you're comfortable with. Things that helped me was trying to be open to and understand my feelings and desires, fantasy/masturbation, being affectionate with someone I liked, writing an exhaustive list of possible clues, and the biggest thing was just acceptance. I didn't really tap into my sexual desires until I just accepted I am attracted to women.
I can't answer that question for you, but I totally understand what you are talking about. Growing up I never really looked at guys, they didn't interest me, but I didn't really look at women either, because "that was not how it's supposed to go". I pretty much had the same teenage years as LunarLyric
From what you say it appears you are questioning. You need to introspect how you feel towards him - do you have romantic and sexual feelings towards him? Do you have such feelings towards other men? Maybe this is a catalyst moment for you. Reflect on your past and see if you recollect any such feelings/incidents. Often when we accept ourselves we realise there have been many instances in the past which we denied. Do not be in a hurry to find a 'label'. Feel free to post all your thoughts here on EC.
So.... what is the focus of your masturbation? Are you imagining yourself with the guy you met at the Home Depot? Or are you thinking about girls? (If you're masturbating to porn, try giving up the porn for a bit and instead relying on fantasy, and see if you find yourself fantasizing more about guys or girls.) This is really the only reliable way to tell where your sexual fantasies lie. I think what you've described could point in the direction of your being gay, but it isn't, by ltself, enough to really tell.
It helps to confirm ones suspicions but one doesn't ever have to have sex to know your orientation. A good indicator is your comfort level interacting with members of your own gender. I like men and also know I won't have a shot with the great and vast majority of them but also recognize when an opportunity of mutual attraction might be presenting itself and get my full girl flirt on if I think there may be a chance.
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I would definitely like to explore the possibility further, im just having difficult time figuring out how exactly to do that since i never really even explored heterosexuality to any great extent.
One of the first steps is exploring your own fantasies. One of the reasons I suggest the masturbation test (without porn) is that it helps us get in touch with our sexual arousal and get comfortable with same-sex attractions. Coming out to oneself (fully acknowledging what one's sexual orientation is) is an important first step that (I believe) really helps you to be prepared for exploring relationships. Give yourself a bit of time to start to think of yourself as "not straight" (if that is, in fact, what feels comfortable to you) and be open to the idea you may be gay. Think about that, and allow yourself to get comfortable with that idea (if, in fact, it feels right.) Once you've done that, then you can start getting out into situations where you can meet other gay guys. I suggest social groups rather than bars, clubs, and hookup apps. Meetup.com can be a good place to find gay groups if you're in a reasonably sized city. And then let things develop naturally. Of course, you can do the opposite and go the club/bar/hookup app route, but it really depends on what you're after. If you want real connection that goes beyond the pure sexual acts, you won't find it at any those places. But if you're simply looking for sexual gratification, those opportunities can certainly be found there.
Great advice. Porn is not a good indicator I feel. I get aroused by heterosexual porn not gay porn. But I like men in real life.
