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Depressed because of overthinking

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by takemeout, Aug 19, 2017.

  1. takemeout

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    Lately I've been struggling with this issue were I can't accept my sexuality fully. I know for sure that I love females (I am a girl) and everything about them: their softness, appearance and how sexy it seems to me. I remember the moment when I first realised it: I felt so happy, I was like "Wow, you can actually do that - date a girl? No wonder I never understood all this relationship stuff" (I did not know any queer people while I was growing up; I'm 20 now, by the way). And for some time I just rolled with it, and the thought of being gay felt so right and natural. But half a year later I had a major depressive episode, during which I obsessed over my life choices in terms of career. Right after that obsession faded, I started to doubt my sexuality. All the thoughts about how "not normal" that is, and hearing people saying "gay haven't found the right guy yet" did not help me at all. Well, they still don't.

    When I notice in public a beautiful girl, I feel relaxed and happy, as always. Before I literally did not notice guys at all, but since this doubt of being fully gay I started to force myself to analyze how I feel about the thought of being with a guy. It does not give me nearly the same amount of satisfaction when I imagine a similar scenario with a girl. Plus, when I do see an objectively well-built male, I tend to kind of admire some of his characteristics in a way that I think "I would really like to have such flat chest/well-worked muscles, etc". Yeah, maybe it has something to do with my gender identity, but that's other story. I also like looking at aesthetically beautiful things, including any people, and it has always came hand-in-hand with a fact thar I'm an artist, and tend to notice such things automatically; I just want to draw them, notice quirky traits and how they could be rendered on paper to conveye a character of a person, etc.

    So I'm quite confused now. I have never been in a relationship, and I know that future can hold for us pretty damn cool stuff, but I hate not knowing for sure. I get this warm feeling of being with a girl on every way. But what if I'm just weird in a way that I have to experience something with a guy to understand that it can be ok as everyone says it is? I know that if some guy approached me, I would feel sooo weirded out. I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Saying "I'm bi" does not sound quite right for me.

    In short, here is a most consise reaction to thinking about relationship with a guy: "Meh" or "What", as opposed to thinking about one with a girl: "Yeeaah" or "Thanks god".

    I just don't know why am I like this. It's very hard being luke this when nearly everyone around you is a totally opposite. I consider myself quite lucky to have an opportunity to ramble on here and knowing I'm not alone (at least on Earth in general, hahah). I just get up and experiencing this dreadful overthinking yet again (I've been having it for 3 months or so) is so draining; this topic is on my mind 24/7.

    I actually apologize for this unsystematic post, reading of which probably took your time, but I had to get it out. Besides, someone can maybe relate to it a bit and feel better.

    Thanks for any further input.
     
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  2. takemeout

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    Also, I did not want to offend anyone with this post in any way, so I apologize in case I did.
     
  3. 1027

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    I can't see anything in your post that could offend anyone!
    I'm no expert - questioning myself - but you sound pretty straightforwardly gay tbh. Maybe you just have some leftover cultural pressure to be straight making you question your feelings.
     
  4. takemeout

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    I'm glad then :slight_smile: It's just sometimes I think that any particular human can be a great person regardless of gender, but I seem to have this preference for romantic relationships, which makes me feel guilty.

    And geez, there are tons of typos in my first post, definitely should have checked it before posting from a phone.
     
  5. I don't see anything that could be offensive either, it's just your personal experiences... anybody offended by that needs to figure out what's up in their own lives that people offend them by living.

    I kind of agree with the idea that you sound straight up gay, but might have internalized homophobia and societal pressure to fulfill the /find-a-man > get-married > have-a-billion-babies/ plan for women.
     
  6. 1027

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    No need to feel guilty about preferring romantic relationships! The key word is preference - you like what you like, it's just your taste. Not exactly an uncommon one either.
     
  7. takemeout

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    Thanks for your reply; the funny thing is that even when being younger (and before actually being aware of a whole concept of gay), and someone would mention something along the lines "when you'll have a husband", I would be so confused, I simply could not relate. And I used to say "I don't want to marry" whenever someone started a conversation on that topic with such a straightforward spirit, I just was saying that without any hesitation, just as I would admit that the sky is blue or the grass is green, and for some reason would never question the reason behind being so sure (well, know I actually know that I would like to marry, but in a gay way, lol).

    I just wonder why my self-acceptance journey went the other way around - from being so sure to being confused by internalized homophobia.


    That's true, guess I'll just have to relax about that (easier said than done, though)
     
  8. SHACH

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    I feel a very similar way, down to the whole observant artist problem where I can't work out if I really want to draw a guy or there's more. I love drawing guys. I think in times like this you need to tackle the overthinking problem more than the problem you're thinking about. Here's some stuff that have cleared my mind a lot recently

    • Generally set yourself some goals and try and improve things in your life with what you can physically do.
    • First I started going to the gym and lifting, I have almost doubled my strength. It realy helped me to get out of my head and feel connected to my body, and also to feel more powerful even in the basic physical way. And it makes me more attentive of my foo and sleep - excercise food, sleep, these are all important when battling depression.
    • Then I started reading more. I made myself a bit of a reading list and tried to acheive reading a substantial chunk per day. It's someting that you can do in those moments that you'd be rumenating, that can be very productive, provide you with other things to think about, and requires some effort at concentration that you REALLY need to be working on. I know when I'm pretty depressed I cannot concentrate for the life of me. So find something you've actually really been wanting to read.
    • In order to facilitate reading more I had a "no internet till midday" poicy, or sometimes later if I didn't have much i NEEDED to do on my computer.
    • I also got a job, which was something I needed to do so I feel like it was a step forward in my life (i'm young and at uni, I wasn't just unemployed btw). Think about what you need to do to progress.
    • Setting aside good time for drawing more helps - generally try to make yourself sit down and do things you like even if they feel so unecessary and a pain rn.
    • Block sites like this. Just block them. I've been back for a couple of days because I like helping people but mostly throughout the year I block this site.
    • Remember that you can't even find a relationship in which to work this stuff out in if you don't... live your life and engage in your development and go do things that you like to meet people you connect with. You need to have more experiences with people in order to work out the problems you have, but the best way to do that is to develop yourself in ways that don't involve relationships at all, because it will bring people to you.
     
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  9. takemeout

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    Thanks a lot for your reply (and sorry for not doing that earlier, I've been a bit busy).
    Actually, I've been visiting a gym for already 3 months, and it indeed helps me a lot (although during the most depressive days I start to overanalyze what I think about every person I see, but then I tell myself that it's going to end soon, and that gives me boost of motivation to lift heavier weights, lol).

    Oh, I wanted to start reading couple of books, they are waiting for me on a shelf. But the funny thing is that sometimes it's even hard to make myself do even a simple task like that (reading). It's like I'm living in two realms - in one of them I'm making awesome plans, work on self-improvement, and a person I want to be, and in the other one I just go on this hellish thought loop, everyday, 24/7, which kills all of the productivity and joy. Thanks god I have some freelance projects that I have to do (actually, I could not reply earlier because I got an urgent one which needed to be finished, and I think that's good because at least I've distracted myself for couple of days).

    So far I only draw for the mentioned projects, but I guess I really have to go back to doodling something for myself as well. Lately I've been playing guitar/composing and singing a lot more than before, and that helps immensely.

    Yeah, I know that continuing to google ridiculous questions and reading everything that could relate to my experience works well only to some extent; I've noticed that it's just a way that my mind works: I need to gather as much information as possible to solve a problem (which exists only in my head, actually).

    I'm planning couple of trips for the next months, so I really hope that they will get me going and will alleviate this self-torment.
     
  10. SHACH

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    Yeah I get what you're saying about feeling unable to even start reading. I felt that way too... but disciplining myself into doing it and really trying to force my mind did help. I started going to the gym and then reading as soon as I came back and trying to challenge myself to see how long I could keep going. Oh and I'd have the internet actually switched off and my computer far away during that time. But yeah, reading things for uni last year... omg I would find myself pacing up and down my room, crying into my bedsheets, staring out the window, literally anything but reading I couldn't concentrate on it. So er... make sure its something relaxed where you don't have some sorta deadline and that you've actually been wanting to read really badly. That won't make it super easy but much easier.

    And seriously yeah looking up things can feel like something you NEED to do sometimes. Trust me I do love to research eveyrthing I do before I do it haha. But you DO NOT need to do that and it's obviously not helping you in the long run. These days, I only unblock this site for a few days at a time at most, every 6 months at the most frequent and I don't even post a thread unless after triple checking it I still think it's actually a crisis that I need help with now. Usually its something that will work out with time and that will stop seeming unbearable to me if I just stop thinking about it for a while, so I reblock the site and move on- by the time I unblock the site next I usually have forgotten about it. It doesn't matter if you FEEL like you need to look up this stuff YOU DO NOT NEED TO. In fact, you shouldn't. There are no answers on the internet. It's a horrible feeling to know that but then you realise, defeatedly that all you can do is live your life as much as possible and keep your overthinking in check. Depression is often caused or at least exacerbated by thought spirals and if you want to feel better you have to kill them at all costs, not feed them by searching any futile questions you have on the internet. I'm not telling you to stop FEEling like you need to get answers, I'm telling you to just not go looking for them even if it feels like the world is ending.

    Towards the end of my year at uni I kept feeling like I wanted to cry in the evening. So I would drink some beers and listen to sad music and dance and then cry under my desk. What I should have been doing is thinking... Okay, maybe I should stop studying now, lets just eat dinner, make some camomile tea, and get in bed so I can wake up with some energy to study tommorow. Now I'm on holiday from uni, I got myself a job in a pub. Even tho I'm working around alcohol all the time, I barely drink in the evenings because I remind myself that I don't want to be tired. I have to force myself to just get in bed even if I feel tortured as fuck in the evening. So I just throw myself into bed and in the morning I just stop myself from thinking anything negative because... unlike uni, you can get sacked from a job if you turn up depressed and unable to do anything.

    I'm not always strong enough to sustain that discipline, but it genuinely does stop me from feeling so depressed, so it's the only way I get things done.
     
  11. takemeout

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    Yeah, this all sounds really familiar to me. I guess I'll start by avoiding searching for more info, and by making myself read/draw/play music more.

    Thanks a lot again for your help!
     
  12. beenthrdonetht

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    This. You are wise. The cure is meditation, i.e. practicing not thinking about anything. Of course it's hard, like balancing a pencil on its tip, but it gets easier.
     
  13. takemeout

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    I will certainly try this. It would be marvellous to stop my thought flow at least for a while, because right now I can't think clearly at all, and at times I find it hard to discern my feelings and their nature. It's like I'm trying to persuade myself of something, then proving myself wrong, then realize that it was all made up, and so on. At times I think that I can try something with a guy, but it feels fake. I often go "why I can't genuinely want this?". And why on earth do I want to fit in so much.

    I'm in a really weird point of my life right now, and in addition to that, my mum suffers from a depression and anxiety, and I feel so powerless.

    I have no idea why I'm still rambling here. Hope someone might find it relatable or something.
     
  14. beenthrdonetht

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    Oh, CN, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I have been through both of those, and they are not fun. Your rambling makes perfect sense... it just doesn't make for a very good path forward. I hope you can find some peace. The "pursuit of happiness" has its place, but you can actually make (sort of) yourself peaceful.
     
  15. eburian

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    "Thanks for your reply; the funny thing is that even when being younger (and before actually being aware of a whole concept of gay), and someone would mention something along the lines "when you'll have a husband", I would be so confused, I simply could not relate. And I used to say "I don't want to marry" whenever someone started a conversation on that topic with such a straightforward spirit, I just was saying that without any hesitation, just as I would admit that the sky is blue or the grass is green, and for some reason would never question the reason behind being so sure (well, know I actually know that I would like to marry, but in a gay way, lol).

    I just wonder why my self-acceptance journey went the other way around - from being so sure to being confused by internalized homophobia. "

    I relate to this too :slight_smile: I remember being really young and always talking constantly about my friends that were girls and saying I'd have test tube babies. :slight_smile: I'm just happy you posted this. The older I get the more I realize just how fluid sexuality is but preferences can also be hella strong :slight_smile: I feel like I'm struggling with this now too... and it's hard because I want to figure out a way where I can be open with my family about it but it's hard...
     
  16. takemeout

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    Yeah, I'm trying to work on the "making myself peaceful" part right now. And thanks for your input, I really appreciate it!

    I'm glad that you find the situation relatable! Yeah, being open about this with other people is a completely different story. Lately I've been dropping hints here and there (I'm not out to my family), hope they were already interpreted correctly by those who heard them
     
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