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Embarrassing question...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 1027, Aug 19, 2017.

  1. SHACH

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    Omg I relate to this thread so much. I was thinking about making my own about a similar topic. I was gonna do it anonymousely cos this is weird... but whatever here I am!

    I always thought I was super into guys because of my fantasies but in reality i haven't felt anywhere near the emotion I feel about girls towards guys and most of my kisses and flirting with them have made me feel a bit dead inside and/or freaked out. I'm really hoping I've just come across the wrong guys because I feel a bit cheated otherwise, since the fantasies work really well, like you have described. And I do think some guys a beautiful - I like to draw them. My fantasies are also often to do with being sorta forced. I started watching all sorts of crazy gay male porn when I was like 12 because i was curious to know how gay guys did it one day - I didn't even have the ability to react to it until I was 13 so it was definitely too early and I wonder if it messed me up. I had to work out how to fantasise about girls when I came out to myself and I have fantasies that work for that... they're usually a lot less messed up and I feel a lot more engaged in them. As you said, with the guy ones, often it works even if I think the dude is hideous because its sorta the awfulness of it that works... The girl ones its very much a loving thing and its usually about a genuine celebrity crush or something, but they take a lot longer to get me off.

    Part of me really hopes that as I said, I will work out how to have a normal sexuality with guys in real life, and that I just haven't met a guy I like enough yet (I've only really stopped being a loser in the last couple of years so it's not like I've had many chances)... Part of me wishes these fantasies didn't work so well and I could just go around being really gay and not feeling phony. It's weird. At the moment I've mostly given up on worrying about my sexuality and I'm just going with the flow tho - I feel like I'm probably some sort of bi either way so if I just stay chill I can experiment and work things out. Stay chiiilll. I'm trying to convince myself lol.

    Oh and Cydonian Knight, the thing you said about not liking to be THE girl - that's totally what I say all the time.

    Seriously what does this stuff mean it's so weird?!

    I'm sorry I don't have much advice I'm just as baffled as you.
     
  2. 1027

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    ^^^ This this all of this.

    It helps just to know someones got a similar situation tbh! Good not to feel so weird. And yeah it would be better if things were clear cut. I've heard bisexuals can have a higher rate of depression than outright gay people, maybe the difficulty in getting a clear cut self identity is part of that.
    With guys, I've tried to have romantic fantasies or imagine dating and I. Just. Can't. It peters out and I get bored/distracted, and I am normally a great imaginer! Every now and then I just decide I'm a lesbian and something in the back of my mind goes 'Oh yay that means I get to date girls now! Woohoo! :grin: :grin: :grin:'
    Do you think it would be productive/healthy to try and 'decondition' myself, make an effort to focus on other things during lone fun time even if it's not the thing that comes automatically? What I don't want is to teach myself to be gay if that's not really natural for me, I want to just be whatever I was meant to be, but I'm sick of the conflict with myself.
     
  3. SHACH

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    I think I've sort of done stuff that could count as "deconditioning" and it doesn't stop the old fantasies from working even if I use them less. Tbh I think it's probably healthier for me to try and view guys in a more normal way rather than forget about them. And yeah... I get why bisexuals have a higher rate of depression... it feels sometimes like I'm just choosing to torture myself... or that I can't work out how to go either way because I go both. I rather envy those super confident bisexuals... people like the Roxetra on youtube whos just like "i was always obviously bi since I was little, I've been bi all my life and I'm bi now I'm married to my wife - gender doesn't matter to me" (not a quote just, an amalgamation of things she's said). I would like to be forever happily going both ways without any qualms like that. But human psychology is not always that simple - it can be messed up by so many things. Also I would have less of a ride trying to come out to my mum if I actually conformed to a label that she didn't think was made up - I just avoid it because she'd practically laugh at me. And I hate how I'm always giving mixed messages to guys. So many little annoying things.
     
  4. takemeout

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    Yeah, I guess being that """gay""" girl will always be associated with tons of stereotypes. And I do not want that part of myself to be the only thing that defines me.

    Actually, by writing that I meant a slightly different thing: the fact that I am a female, in a theoretical relationship with a guy would automatically make me a "girl" in a relationship (DUH). And I really doubt that I would enjoy that. Although, [because I'm an over thinker], I tried to imagine myself in such a situation (as others often say, "feel yourself like a woman should in a relationship with a man"), and I could not understand how I felt inside my head. It was some mixture of being sad, confused, flattered (by kind of imagining that someone appreciates you), and empty (because appreciation of one's attraction to you and being attracted yourself by them are two different things).
     
  5. SHACH

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    Oh that's exactly what I meant too. I prefer that I don't have a defined role, or could even take on a masculine role in a relationship with a girl, but with a guy I will always be the girl which comes with all sorts of connotations that I don't like somehow. I'm a tomboy and I just can't deal with the expectations that come with the straight girl role. Some of the stuff is so small but all of it pisses me off. I imagine I might not have those sorts of thoughts if I was with a bi guy, who would probably feel the same way about the subject as I do - sometimes feeling too feminine to be that straight guy. I dunno... yeah its an elusive thought that doesn't make much sense as you said, but I think we're on the same page.
     
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  6. beenthrdonetht

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    First let me say that it's very enlightening to me to read your posts, and I don't want to be "that guy" who is nosing in on someone else's conversation.

    And now...

    There are definitely guys who want to date a girl but don't want her to "play the girl part". I'd prefer someone who wants to borrow my power tools. (No pun, really!) Someone who is way better or smarter than me at something.

    I do think such guys are in the minority though, so your point stands. Have fun overthinking. I totally empathize with that!
     
  7. takemeout

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    Thanks for your input, it's only welcome; yes, I understand what you mean, and have already wondered about that. Even though I am (so far) lacking any experience, little voice in the back of my head says that such a relationship would feel more like a "brother-sister" in its nature, or like experiencing a platonic love.

    Well, I have lost fun a long time ago since overthinking started, but thanks anyway :grin:
     
  8. SHACH

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    I totally wanna have a bromance with a dude. I was fantasising the other day about meeting some dude at the gym and we'd become ultimate bros who fuck. Like a bro who's in touch with his feminine side and we'll lift, buy and wear each others clothes (I buy all mens clothes most the time), go out clubbing, play video games.... Tbh having a boyfriend like that sounds adorable and I'd probably get on better with that ideal guy than a girl. But me being the tomboy to a gay girl seems much more comfortable to me than being the girl to an intensely straight and normative dude. Tbh tho I should stop talking about this I haven't had any relationships. Only one short lived romance with a guy I tried to get out of as soon as I got into it haha.
     
  9. beenthrdonetht

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    Nice to know people like you exist. Keep existing!