Single life in 2017

Haha yes I think that's how it works although I haven't been single since 2009.

 

I started messaging with several women on a dating site and it was exciting at first but gradually less so. It started to feel like a chore writing back, like investing a lot of energy and not really getting to know them, except some facts about them but not really the person. I also met my husband online first and by the time we met in person I was already in love with his mind and willing to put up with a lot about him I didn't like in person. I guess I'm worried I could make the same mistake, thinking I know someone when I don't. Actually worrying about it either way - what if the underwhelming person in writing would be great in person? So, I don't know if that's how it goes nowadays but it does feel a bit odd, writing things to complete strangers that I might not say in person.

 

Glad someone else shares my worries about online dating. On the otherhand everybody has to start somewhere...

 

Ditto - not single since 2001 - and never good at the dating game really, so totally out of my depth now!

It has been a similar experience for me - not sure whether this is due to the phenomenon of online dating, or in my case whether it is because we are two middle aged women in a similar life position who are trying to own our sexuality and therefore have things in common. It's only been 3 weeks and we've only met once because of our respective commitments, but she's already considering that we are an item - I'm finding it intoxicating making the connection with her, but I'm worried we're both misjudging the situation and each other's character - I'm trying not to be unrealistic in my hopes (only just coming to terms with my unrequited love for another) and simply want us to enjoy our second date and start to get to know her better IN PERSON!!! Do keep us all posted OED27x....I hope we can both navigate our way successfully...I want things to work well...but it feels scary, daunting and surreal, especially given our respective life situations!!!

 

Being a 19 year old and therefore having been very much all internet and text since the age of about 11 (I think the beginning of smartphones is when it started to become truly unavoidable), I find the whole of it almost dystopically removed and horribly depressing. I like the internet in some ways but I do not feel like I am interacting with people when I am texting them yet nobody seems to even want to go as far as making phone calls these days. Phone calls are too much effort for them. Moving their actual tongue is too much human interaction. Sometimes I at least want to hear people's voices. Sometimes I consider online dating since it is now a thing people actually do unironically, but I cant even begin to understand how I would choose someone to date in such a way. I wish people would just get a grip.

 

I know, isn't it ironing... Since I've discovered I'd like to be with a woman I've met two great men. Don't know if they are interested in me that way but I haven't felt so good with anybody for a long time.

 

Hey I, not sure I have any magic advice but I wanted to send you a hug and to say don't be too hard on yourself, these things are tough and you are right old habits are hard to break. Coming out is scary, especially if we don't have a girlfriend on our arm to at least in our heads validate our gayness. It's perfectly natural to fear the unknown and seek comfort in what has been your normal, even if you weren't exactly over the moon with the old normal. I think the thought of coming out with a girlfriend feels easier because you can say to someone hey I'm gay and I'd like you to meet (insert name here), my girlfriend. In makes us feel more secure because we feel that nobody can say, are you sure, how do you know? I also think coming out makes us feel vulnerable and when we feel vulnerable we seek comfort and security which is often found in old places and in companionship with others. That full step is always the hardest to take because it feels like a leap of faith into the unknown, like jumping out of a plane unsure as to whether you packed the parachute or not.
Girls are probably harder to find than guys because statistically there are less gay/bi girls than straight men and also they are scarier because we feel so much more and that comes with increase risk.

You will get there, just keep taking little steps in the right direction.

 

If I is at all comforting I've tried at least 6 times to have sex with my husband since we both admitted I was gay. I keep trying and it keeps ending up with the same emotionally loaded result. He appreciates me trying but seems as let down as me when it's all done.

 

That's interesting because I've thought a lot about why I chose the men I did in the past. All of them had some feminine qualities. I even had asked my husband years before things unearthed for me if he was gay, several times (not that I think feminine qualities make a man gay, that would be more my own way of finding things attractive in men, me thinking he was gay had to do with other things). I think it's only one part of what made it safe to marry him for me?
The other thought that surfaces for me along these lines is I've always been very submissive in my relationships with men. Only one of them ever abused this characteristic in me, the rest all had good hearts. I just found it odd because I've always been a dig your heels in kinda person and have always have had very liberal and strong core beliefs. Yet I would always follow their lead which was contradictory to those beliefs. Just as I was always outspoken about GLBTQ rights even in the face of my conservative surroundings, I never entertained the notion for myself even though all the signs were there. So much of this I think was just subconsciously sliding into the traditional life that was always modeled for me.
Yes though, my thoughts that my husband may be gay were never threatening to me, if anything comforting and I just never thought to ask why. I'm sure it being a distraction from my own issues had a lot to do with it.

 

I love moments of clarity like this, when you are like oh that's why I did it, this all makes sense now.

 

For what it's worth, my ex is a raging homophobe, but everyone who meets him thinks he is gay. ???

 

Isn't that something they say about the biggest homophobes being those stuck furthest back on the closet!

 

Yes it is. And going back over our relationship, it really makes sense that we were both gay all along. What a catastrophe.

 

The relationship itself may have been a catastrophe but you have your son and it has turned you into the RJay you are today and I along with everyone else here thinks that's a good thing