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struggling to adjust to marriage

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bibiscuit, Aug 20, 2017.

  1. bibiscuit

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    Does anyone have any good marriage advice? my partner and i have been together nearly 5 years, and married for (just) 2 yrs. i feel like i'm still adjusting to being married, and i feel a bit scared and overwhelmed by it every day. the feelings are getting worse lately, not better. There is very little affection between us -which i feel is my fault as I emotionally and physically pull away a lot- and im really worried i am killing us slowly.

    its a pattern i have got stuck in repeatedly over the years, with previous relationships, my longest one only being 3 years before. i find i just lose interest in people, and i feel terrible about it because if we break up i think it will hurt my partner a lot. we both suffer from depression and anxiety which doesn't help matters.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    When do you think it started changing? Have you spoken to your partner about it?
     
  3. bibiscuit

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    i don't know when it started changing. i always struggle to commit to relationships, or to emotionally invest in them.
    when we got married it felt really good, and we are still really good companions, its just that i tend to avoid intimacy of any kind, whether physical or emotional.
    we do talk about it yes; so in some ways we are really close, but in other ways not close enough. she says she misses me, meaning i am very distant from her. im really worried im doing serious damage but im not brave enough to change my behaviour. i feel like a failure all round.
     
  4. azzi

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    Can i ask why you avoid intimacy?
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Yeah that wasn't going to be my next question.

    Do you feel like there was a reason you stopped wanting to be initiate or that the reason there is a problem is because you don't want to be intimate? I realise you mcan get not know the answer
     
  6. bibiscuit

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    i think its that old fear of -the closer i am to someone, the more i stand to lose if it all falls apart. its maybe why i don't seem to stay in relationships very long.
     
  7. azzi

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    I see. How important is your partner to you? I would assume he/she is really important to you coz you married him/her.. but then again a friend of mine told me i assume a lot and most of the time or 50/50 im wrong. Anyways, i'm sort of how you are. The point is, if you want to keep your partner, maybe it will be best to show more affection or intimacy? I mean, you are in marriage anyways. I dont think you are just fooling around right? If i feel someone i care about most does not seem to love me or says she/he loves me but i dont feel it, i will hang to the relationship for a while coz i love the person.. but in the long run, i will get tired of not being loved or cared for back, and i will just let go. If there is someone that you will hold your love back or show intimacy, it would definitely l, should be not the one you are married to. He/she is yours already. I understand your fear of getting hurt, but you will really get hurt too if you continue what you are doing. Unless you dont really care that much. Isn't she/he worth trying for anyways?
     
  8. bibiscuit

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    you are completely right. i have let it go on too long just being stuck in neutral, but because its been like this a while its harder to break out of. but everything you say makes sense; she will -quite rightly- end up just giving up on me and it will be too late to try and fix it because i will have done too much damage.
    and even though it seems difficult, sometimes impossible, of course it is worth trying for. i will try really hard to make some changes.
    thank you so much xx
     
  9. azzi

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    You're welcome. This happened to me and i got tired so i let go. I hope it wont happen to you. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
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