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Embarrassing question...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 1027, Aug 19, 2017.

  1. 1027

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    So I've been questioning my sexuality for 5 years now, and the reason why it's so hard to know boils down to this:
    I'm almost exclusively attracted to women, emotionally and physically.
    However, when I masturbate I almost exclusively fantasise about men.
    I alternate between thinking I'm straight and just don't like men very much, bisexual, or lesbian with some really weird residual hang ups. I ended up overthinking it and making myself miserable, but the last couple of years I've tried a let it be approach, and things have just stagnated. I think until I know what I want I can't go after it, so will just keep being single.
    I'm so fed up of this constant questioning, I just want to know what I want at this point. Does anyone have any thoughts about this, or experienced something similar?

    I'm aware of the concept of being homoromantic/heterosexual, but honestly that sounds like it would make it impossible to have one real relationship so I'm seriously hoping it's not that! Call me old fashioned but I want to get married one day.

    Please help!
     
  2. 1027

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    Few things it might help to add:
    When I say I'm more attracted to women it's things like...
    - Way more likely to notice them, often fail to clock a hot guy when all my straight friends do
    - The thought of dating a girl makes me feel all tingly and bubbly and happy
    - When I think of dating/settling down with a man I just feel sad and flat
    - When a hot guy starts acting impressive/showing off my instinctive response has always been to get competitive and resentful. Took me a while to realise that isn't the normal default response they were trying to get from me! I just become awestruck around the girl equivalent.
    - When I see a seriously attractive girl, after the initial admiration I get this really sad twisting feeling because 'she'd never like you in the same way, she definitely has a boyfriend, you'd never be liked by someone like that'
    - Have way stronger urges to touch women sexually/romatically
    All this makes me feel very gay but....
    ONLY MASTURBATE TO GUYS.
    Honestly brain wtf.
     
  3. takemeout

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    Hey there; all of the above is definitely the same in my case, except the masturbation part - almost exclusively to women, and even when I do try to think about guys I just do it for, like, testing, not because my mind automatically leads me to (as it is with female fantasies). Have you tried having same-sex fantasies?

    In my opinion, though, it's pretty unlikely that you're straight - all of the points point to (lol) having attraction to women, so that leaves bi or gay. As for the masturbation part, well, I've been reading quite a lot of responses about them on here, and while majority say that there is a certain link between fantasies and orientation, our brains can be much more complicated than just that (a direct link). Is it a guy himself that you find attractive in a fantasy, or a feeling of being dominated/penetrated?
     
  4. 1027

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    Definitely a strong domination theme. Again, embarrassing and not something I've been able to discuss in real life, but what I picture during masturbation is exclusively BDSM themed despite me being very romantic in every other setting. It's probably significant to mention that often (but not always) these images involve being forced to have sex with someone I'm definitely not attracted to, so I've wondered if that's why they're always men despite me rarely being turned on by men in reality.
    I do have sexual fantasies involving women, outside of masturbation I'm way more likely to fantasise about women. But when I try to picture women while getting off I struggle. The same thing happens when I try to picture normal sex with a guy, though. Think stumbling across BDSM websites when i was 13 ruined me tbh!
    Sorry for the graphic descriptions but it's relevant.
     
  5. It's possible that you're bisexual or homosexual but homoromantic, which would explain why the idea of being in a relationship with a man is unattractive but you go to them in sexual fantasy. It's also possible that having a male partner is an important part of one of the kinks you have, consciously or not, such as being roughly handled or (this sounds odd but it's actually a kink) forced action outside of orientation. You see it more with guys being forced to be with other guys though.
     
  6. takemeout

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    That sounds like a similar thing a lot of people experience (again, from what I've seen on this website); I've heard about people having fantasies about getting raped, but they definitely do not wish that to happen in reality
     
    FracturedWings likes this.
  7. Rape fantasies are definitely really common, BDSM or not.
     
  8. 1027

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    This is a concern of mine, because how on earth do you make that work for actual relationships? Does anyone know of anyone who is that way, and how it can work out?

    There's at least a partial element of disconnect between my sexual fantasies and what I actually want, because yes there is no way I want to be raped but it features often in my fantasies, and similarly I'm strongly feminist in reality but get off on being treated like property in fantasies. So I'm wondering if the men vs women thing is a similar disconnect. But it worries me that a) my fantasies seem so disconnected from what I actually want (is this healthy?!?) and b), if that's the only reason men feature in the fantasy. It worries me because I just find it really difficult to imagine being with a man, I have no idea what I'd want from one and can't get excited thinking about it, but if that's the gender I'm really sexually attracted to, I'd sort of 'have' to.
     
  9. takemeout

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    Yeah, I've been wondering about nature of fantasies, too; the thing is that people can (while fantasizing) be turned on by so many things, and quite often it can not align with one's sexuality (as odd as it sounds, that includes even objects). For instance, some straight women get off to lesbian fantasies. Some lesbians have gay male fantasies. We're just humans, I guess our brains are wired to respond to a wide array of sexual imagery - the question is whether you're willing to have to deal with it in real life or not.
     
  10. 1027

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    I'd find it easier to dismiss if it was the odd fantasy, cos I'm quite comfortable with the idea that people have the odd thing that gets them going that doesn't represent how they normally are at all. It's the fact that it's almost all the time. It makes me wonder if I'm actually more into men, but am just timid of them/frigid so am not letting myself feel attraction to them in the real world.
    You and I have overthinking in common :face_palm:, this is how I drove myself nuts a few years back, just going round in circles between 'you're a lesbian in denial, accept it!' and 'you're just bad at relationships with men, learn to deal with it!'
    I get the impression it's quite a standard bisexual thing to alternate between thinking they're only pretending to be attracted to men because they can't face being gay, and thinking they're only pretending to be a lesbian for attention.
     
  11. takemeout

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    I get what you're saying; from time to time I wonder if I, as you mentioned, too frigid towards men, but to be honest, I'm shy in general, haha :grin: One of the reasons why I personally usually feel a bit closed-off around guys I don't know is that I don't want to deal with potential flirting/hitting. But when I get to know them better, I just relax and become really relieved that no one views me as a potential date, because I tend to be hyper-aware of myself and really think a lot about this stuff lately (actually, I used to think that this feeling is common among straight girls and I'm just broken). As weird at that sounds, I don't feel comfortable knowing I'm seen as the girl, if you know what I mean. And at the same time, I often imagined how fun and natural it would be to flirt with girls, make them happy, being one's lover (yeah, totally not gay).

    And yes, overthinking is a terrible thing.
     
  12. 1027

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    I relate so much to this!
    I've enjoyed having boys as friends growing up but they always ended up wanting it to be romantic and therefore ending the friendship, so now I find it hard to hang out comfortably with boys because now I'm overly conscious of the potential for romance. Don't know how much of that is learned from experience and how much is just the maturation process. And yeah a big barrier to coming out is being that girl, as you say. Almost all my friends are girls for the reasons I said, and all straight, and I'd hate to not be a properly accepted part of the group anymore. I'd also love to be able to just flirt naturally without being worried about them thinking 'ew, lezzer'. Without the fear of rejection, I'd probably act a whole lot gayer tbh. If I try to visualise certain scenarios without that barrier, I imagine myself behaving in a way that's pretty darn gay.
     
  13. JaimeGaye

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    Masturbation is an excellent way of working out sexual desire if you learn to recognize the signs of what is really turning you on or relieving your stress after orgasm.
    You only masturbate to guys but your primary theme is as a submissive being forced to accept the male domination of yourself.
    Upon orgasm how do you feel, relieved? Accepting? Angry? Unfulfilled? Sad? Happy? or ambivalent yet ready to face the rest of your day?
    Ask yourself these questions then ask yourself if incorporating another female into your masturbation fantasies changes the outcome of your orgasm to any degree.
     
  14. silverhalo

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    Hey, I don't have any personal experience in this but I am wondering if perhaps your brain has just become fixated on this one thing being the only thing that can get you off a bit like when someone can only get off to porn, it's like they have become conditioned that this is what's happens when they get off and without it it can't happen. I know you said you have sexual fantasies about women at other times just not when getting off so when you have these fantasies how do you feel does it turn you on?
     
  15. 1027

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    Yup, I can and do have sexual fantasies about women. It's just when it gets to the, uh, physical bit that it reverts to men. And yeah it's weird cos it's a really specific kind of fantasy too, not even generic straight sex, so I'd agree I may accidentally have conditioned myself as you put it. I'm hoping that doesn't translate to being that way with actual sex as well.

    Thank God for anonymous question options btw, you can probably all tell why I've never discussed this with anyone!
     
  16. silverhalo

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    Haha I don't blame you.

    Do you ever watch lesbian shows or movies?

    Maybe you just need to get yourself a girlfriend and see what happens hahaha
     
  17. beenthrdonetht

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    I'd say this one. Which I think gives you the most hope! You feel all the right things about girls. And really "weird residual hang ups" is too harsh. What gets you off (puts you over the edge) when masturbating has such amazing variation among humans. (I won't even tell about myself, it would be TMI.) Consensus around here is that it is just not indicative of how you will behave with people.

    So I agree (as usual) with Silverhalo. An (understanding) girlfriend would be good for you. And vice-versa, of course.
     
  18. 1027

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    I do, and have a tendency to get a bit obsessed with them! I often find I can't relate to the characters, but if there is one I do relate to, then I get really really into it. I found shows like the L Word and Lip Service to be more cynical and sex focused than I can relate to, but I rewatched Imgaine me and You, I'm a Cheerleader and Steven Universe over and over.

    And yeah that's sort of my current plan :dancers::fingers_crossed:. It adds some awkwardness that I can't definitely say bi/lesbian, and I feel by your mid twenties people expect you to know for sure. The attitude seems to be that questioning is for teenagers, but some of us are slower than others!

    Thanks for the non-judgemental support guys, it's helped to be able to discuss this.
     
  19. silverhalo

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    Don't worry I didn't figure it out until my mid to late 20's. If someone isn't interested because you are only just working it out then they aren't worth it.
    I think it's fair to say you are at least bisexual from what you have written at least. Often whilst I realise it's easy to say and not so easy to do the less you try and overthink it and stress about it the clearer it becomes.

    Oh and I love imagine me and you and but I'm a cheerleader :slight_smile:
     
    #19 silverhalo, Aug 20, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2017
  20. beenthrdonetht

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    Yup, notice how we didn't get embarrassed at all. But your thread title is guaranteed to get looks. :slight_smile: