I need a little help understanding something that I'm having a hard time grasping. For me, I have always been "out". My family noted my preference at a very young age and it has always been an issue with them, and no doubt I was into same sex. Instead of caving to pressure, I chose to live my life as I saw fit. I never announced I was gay / bi / pansexual to anyone, I just went on with life, bedded who I wanted to, and let everyone draw their own conclusions (or come right out and ask me if they really wanted to know). I see a lot of posts (not just on this forum but on all gay forums I've been to) where people are asking who they should come out to. I understand being in the closet and wanting to step into the open, that makes complete sense to me. Living an authentic life is something I believe is very important. What I'm having trouble grasping is why so many feel they need to announce who they want to bed, whether that be to friends, family, work colleagues, or the community as a whole. Why? Is it the shock factor? Is it they're looking for special recognition? I'm not sure I understand why it's anyone's business who you like to fuck until you are seriously dating (or in a relationship with) someone you want to start introducing to others of importance in your life. I was hoping maybe there were those here that might help give me another perspective, so that I could better understand this aspect of things.
Twist....I imagine that there are as many answers to your question as there are people who choose to respond. So I can only give you my reason. ....Honesty.... I am 66 years old, married for 39 years with three grown sons and four grandchildren. When I was young and began to understand that I was gay, I was completely terrified. To be gay in the 60' and 70's was a terrible thing. You would be rejected by your family, friends....everyone. It was illegal. I wanted a future, I wanted a life...so I gave in to the pressure of society and did my best to pretend to be straight for over 50 years. Now society is changing, now it is possible for someone like you to just live their life....I am happy for you and envy you greatly. When I finally came to terms with my sexuality, I came out here on emptyclosets. I did that because the internal pressure of keeping that secret from myself and everyone around me for so long almost destroyed me. I had to relieve the pressure. I wasn't telling people who I wanted to sleep with...I was, for the first time in my life, being honest with myself by telling others. You have been able to be yourself for your entire life. Because of that you have never felt the terrible pressure of watching everything you say and do for fear of accidentally giving yourself away. For me the intense, desperate need for honesty, for finally being who I really am drove me into coming out....David
Hey Twist, From my perspective, as a Bi guy, I don't feel the slightest need to "announce" who I want to bed. However, we live in a heteronormative society. The main reason that I decided to Come Out is that I no longer wanted to 'pretend' to be heterosexual in conversations with closest friends and family. I didn't want to be disingenuous or feel the need to censor myself in simple comments about people that I found attractive or to whom I might have an attraction. Being able to be open and honest about WHO you really are (not putting it in anyone's face) can be very important - assuming that you end up living in an accepting environment, of course.
I see where your coming from with the whole "why does it matter" thing. You're right, in all honesty it shouldn't matter. People should just love and sleep with who they want, and no one should care or judge. However that's not the world we live in. People do care, people do judge. And normally, unless you are super stereotypical gay, they judge you to be straight, unless told otherwise. Again, this shouldn't matter, it's not like their assumption changes who your are or anything. It's not like their assumption makes you any less gay/lesbian/bi/whatever. But to me, at least, it does matter. I think the reason it does matter to me, is that I don't like lying to people unless I have to. I spent a long time lying to myself, telling myself I was straight when I wasn't. Now that I've come to terms with being Bi, I'm not lying to myself anymore, but when I let people believe I'm straight, I still feel like I'm lying to them. Every time someone talks about relationships, and automatically assumes I'm straight (don't worry, you'll meet a nice girl someday someday), I feel disingenuous. I feel like by letting them go on thinking I'm straight, I'm lying to them. I know it's a lie of omission, but to my mind that doesn't make it any less a lie. I don't like lying to people, I prefer to be truthful as much as I can. And since our world and out society assumes I'm straight by default, the only way to not lie when that assumption is made, is to come out. This may not sound logical to you (it doesn't sound logical to me and I'm the one typing it) but It's how I feel, and it's why I personally feel I need to come out.
I get what you're saying. I came out (in the sense of the "there's something we need to talk about" conversation) to two people in my life: my parents. Even my siblings I just kind of let find out. Once I told my parents I pretty much just went on about my fabulous gay life and let the chips fall where they may. The main reason I "came out" to my parents was because it was the early nineties in Utah and they were deeply religious people. They rallied admirably because they are awesome but it was genuinely and profoundly disturbing for them and I wanted to manage how they got the news--the idea that they would have found out some other way than from me just seems awful to me. On an interesting side note, I was discussing this thread with my husband and found out that--despite being out for over thirty years, starting in the eighties, in Oklahoma no less!--my husband has never actually formally come out to anyone, not even his parents. He just kind of went about his life and people figured it out. I knew his parents were cool, but I didn't know just how cool they really were.
I understand the living honestly part, and not wanting to lie. It's more of a confusion to me why people feel the need to sit down with others and "have the talk" and announce in that setting that they're not straight. I have people all the time that tell me I'll settle down with a "nice girl" some day. My reply is usually, "maybe, but at the moment I'm happy with the guy I'm with". (Being bi, that is usually the standard. If I was gay, it would probably be along the lines of "probably not, since I'm looking for a nice guy to settle down with".) My confusion, I guess, is about "the talk". Why "the talk" instead of just living your life and being honest in your interactions with others and yourself? This is what I'm trying to puzzle out.
This makes perfect sense to me as a reason someone would prefer to have "the talk" instead of just letting people come to the realization on their own.
Another interesting perspective..... I was just talking with my partner about this and he said, "I think that's because you never felt the need to "pretend" to be anything you're not, so you never felt the need to come clean." Like the "cushioning/controlling the blow" reasoning above, this is another perspective that makes sense to me. I know how horrible even subtle deceptions make me feel, and how badly I need to clear them up as soon as possible. I think this helps me better understand what some of you said above, as well. I want to thank those that have responded thus far for helping me in wrapping my mind around this. I really appreciate it.
I haven't ever come out to anyone in the "sit down, we need to talk" kind of way. However, I think one reason why people would want to do it that way is that it gives you a certain level of control. If you just let people figure it out as you go, then you never know when it might click in thier head. Obviously this doesn't matter for people who either won't care, or will be supportive. But when dealing whith someone who will care and might be homophobic and hostile, that small amount of control could be good. After all, it's probably better to have someone freak out on you at a time and place you choose, giving you time to mentaly prepare, then to find out randonly when you weren't expecting it. If this doesn't make sense (it might mot, I feel like I'm not doing a good job turning my thoughts into words) then here's an example. I haven't come out to any of my familly, and while I suspect that my mom may have some inkling that I'm not 100% straight, I'm pretty sure none of them know I'm bi. For the most part I'm not worried. I know my brother has gay friends, and my mom's always said she'd love me no matter what I do in life (again I think she may suspect something). However, I am alittle worried about comming out to my dad. When I do, some time down the road, I'd prefer it to be a "lets sit down and talk," type if thing. Not because I think he will be hostile, but because I don't really think he will understand. I din't think he's homophobic, but I get the impression he really doesn't understand LGBT people well. I feel like I'll have to explain bisexuality to him, and get him to understand that I'm not half gay, or becoming gay, or something like that. I'd much rather sit him down, awkward as it will probably be, and explain it, so that I can make sure he understands, instead of have him find out on his own and draw the wrong conclusions. Hopefully this helps clarify what I said above, and maybe gives sone insight into atleast one person's reasons for having "the talk."
It does help @jam93 ... a LOT. *Nodding* What you say makes a lot of sense to me. Because I have always been "out" I've never worried much about when or if people will realize or how they will react when they do. I've always assumed everyone either knows or doesn't care, and if they don't know and would care... then they weren't paying attention. Needing that sense of control makes a great deal of sense to me, though. Especially for someone that hasn't been open and obvious about themselves up to that point.
Hey Twist, I think it's just wonderful that you've never needed to "come out" to anyone. How I wish that could be true for us all. I'm 48 years old and came out last year. Why would I need to "come out" and why couldn't I just starting living as a gay man and let people figure it out? Because I was married with two children at the time. I've built a life and career with a family and large set of friends. Can you imagine any possible way for me to exit my marriage and begin living my new life as a gay man without having to "come clean" as your partner suggests? No, for me and so many others, coming out was a necessity born of decades of living with a secret, a part of me so long ago buried and suppressed. As you can probably surmise from so many posts on this site, young people today are still closeting themselves because of fear of rejection from their loved ones. For those who grew up in the 60s, 70s and 80s, it was even worse. I have hope that your generation will make huge strides for gay and trans people all over the world. Take care.
Hi! (Should add at the start, when I talk about society, I'm talking about my own experiences of it, and that doesn't mean it's right, or that it's everyone experience is the same as mines, but it's how I view it) I agree with what you say, it shouldn't matter who anyone is interested in, that's purely the business of the people in the relationship. I mean, straight people don't announce they're straight, right? I'm 36, and it's always just been assumed I'm straight. I even assumed I was straight until I was 26. Looking back though, it was obvious to me that I'm gay. All my crushes were girls, I had no interest in boys at all. growing up though, I didn't have any gay role models, I didn't even know you COULD like the same sex. I was 17ish and used to watch the Ellen Show, and I remember watching the ep where she came out, and that rang some bells for me. Somewhere, something in my brain was nodding along, but I just didn't recognise it. Anyway, from my late teens to early 20's I had disastrous relationships with men, because that's what I was supposed to do, you were supposed to find opposite-sex partners and settle down. That's still the assumption. We live in an incredibly herteronormative society. Unless you fit a particular look/set of mannerisms/stereotype, you're assumed straight, and if you don't fit the stereotype that sends signals that you're anything other than cis and/or straight, it can get a little frustrating as that's not who you are. I started my coming out process about 2 years ago, and grudgingly, because it's no ones business at all who I fall in love with. Where it becomes frustrating is when people talk about how you're going to find a husband or boyfriend, or assume that that's what you're looking for. I feel like this small thing that is no ones business is eating away at me because I feel I can't be honest about who I am. The weird thing is, that I don't define myself as a lesbian, it's just part of me, it's not all of me. But not being able to freely discuss any potentional dates, or even that I'm interested at all in women, has been a root cause of anxiety issues for me. I'm not being honest with them, or myself. So until people don't assume everyone is straight, I'll have to keep reminding them I'm gay. TLDR: society is heteronormative, I'm not hetero, I'm femme, I want to discuss dates, everyone thinks I'm straight, I want to be honest with them and me about who I fancy, can only do so if I come out. Sorry if this doesn't make total sense, it's late and I'm tired!
I passionately agree and relate to this. Until we no longer live in a heteronormative society where everyone presumes us to be straight, coming out will continue to be a neccesity for a lot of people, including myself. Being bisexual does not define me but it is still an integral part of who I am and how I see the world... Why should I keep this to myself? Its nothing to be ashamed of and I don't want to be presumed to be something I'm not 24/7; it bothers and upsets me. I don't think it's anyone's business who I choose to be sexual with but in terms of having a long term partner, that's different. Bottom line, I wish we lived in a world where this wasn't even a subject of conversation but unfortunately it is so we all do our best to feel content with what we have. If you feel happier and more empowered with not coming out then that is brilliant. As long as you feel comfortable in your own skin, that's all that matters in my opinion. I can totally see where you are coming from though, and in an ideal world, I wouldn't bother having "the talk" either.
