Does anyone who had to deal with a mother who made you too dependant on her have any advice on how to detach, please? I'm done with her, she just told me a teacher I had was feeding me propaganda about trump because she refuses to see what was really going on. She brushed it off, like a standard republican, when he bragged about forcing women, she shrugged her shoulders when pretty much every person in the government now is anti-lgbt, anti-women, just not knowing what to say. She avoids facts like the plague. Like I can't come to those conclusions by myself whether I like him or not. I completely hate being too, sickly dependant on her, she makes me call every day, a couple times, I literally just didn't call her for a day and she had the people at my front desk knock on my door to check on me and voicemails of if I don't call, she's calling the police. I wish I was exaggerating that. When she says 24 hours, it sounds like over a week. She talks in a tone with me the way a mother talks to her 12 year old kid (I'm in my 20s btw). She undoes any ideas a therapists gives me just because she has a different view. Her ill-researched, uneducated opinion is most important. She thinks scientists and archaeologists are full of crap when they give approximate dates for things (ex, these bones are 800 years old after analysis, etc). "I don't believe that, how can they know that?", I say they have equipment and yopls that can figure that out, she just shrugs and disregards that. She always argues with every little thing I say, always has to say the opposite (and I'm not talking about really having a different opinion, which is fine, I mean I say something, almost as a reflex without thinking, she, expectedly, says no. Then later will deny ever saying she said such a thing. It seems more of a reflex thing than just honestly having a different view.) She says she doesn't mind me getting lesbian dvds, books, etc, then in passing, criticizes sll the dirty things I'm getting (didn't realize Carol and books on lesbians throughout history, etc were risqué and smut.) About my sexual assaults and abuse, she just says things, at least they didn't this or that, all they did was touch there?, oh you don't know what that creepy smile was, you misinterpret things, etc. And only believes how serious it was when a therapist would call her and tell her it was assault or was completely out of line for a professional to do to me, but when I tell her, she just disregards it and thinks it's no big deal. Enough ranting and raging and venting, I am at a loss for how to become more independent from her, and I can not stand her anymore. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on what to do? Therapists didn't know how to help, they suggested gently extending the periods inbetween when we talk on the phone, and literally 24 hours, she leaves threatening messages she's calling the cops if I don't call and the people working in the building are knocking on my door. Therapists say I can play video gsmes to destress and cope with things, she says no and thinks that's a waste of time, even though my therapist said it's proven to be good for people in moderation. And it's not the money that she's complaining about for that in this case, it's just a waste of time. She wants me in therapy, but blows everything they tell me to do out of the park.
There is always the brute force approach: let her call the police, and when they show up, explain things to them. Tell the people at your front desk to ignore the calls from her. It's certainly not the nicest way to go about it, but other than what your therapist told you, that's all I can think of
I grew up with a mother with similar stuff going on. She was extremely dependent/overprotective of me, even when I was very young--whole long story there...sigh...Anyway it took me a while (until my 40's actually!) to completely disentangle myself from her bs behavior, but I did it. I didn't 'ditch' her, I just set up very clear boundaries, and enforced them and keep enforcing them. This didn't just happen though--I went through a bunch of my own life drama, learned a lot about me, started really working in therapy--and finally fully took responsibility for my own stuff and my own behaviors. I made lots of positive changes and one of them was stopping the unhealthy relationship dynamic with my mom. It is hard to make changes when we have been conditioned to behave in a certain way and people 'count' on us to behave a certain way. But change really is quite possible! To bring it back to your situation-- your mom will continue to behave as she is --so you can either continue playing along in this dynamic--or you can stop feeding into her. It really is all up to you. It's not easy, but you can do it. She will likely 'act out', and attempt to reset your relationship back to the current dynamic. But remember you have control of yourself. I used to feel like my mom was 'making' me call her every night too. But here's the fact, your mom is not making you call her two times a day. You are choosing to call her. Up to you-- sure, if you don't she will undoubtedly kick and scream, lay a guilt trip and throw a general temper tantrum. You are free to ignore this. It's not your job to calm her down. That's HER job. My mom used to know she would be able to affect me by acting up like that (or by being passive aggressive) so she did--it served a purpose to get HER needs met. So your mom says she will call the police? That's fine--let her. Police get called for all kinds of wacky reasons, simply explain what's going on...they've seen it before! She calls again--that's fine too. I work with the police a lot in my line of work and trust me, if she calls a third time they'll be paying a visit to her, not you. You just really need to be prepared to non-react to her antics. If you are fearful of making her mad you will likely just give into her. The key is to truly not care if she's mad--it's not your stuff. If you are at a point where you ARE afraid of making her upset and the fallout from that, that's okay too, just know nothing is going to change. Realize though if you want to change this dynamic--you can! And a good therapist can go a long way towards this goal. There's plenty of info online about boundary setting and co-dependency too which could also help. Like I said, I was in my 40's before I completely ended the unhealthy dynamic with my mom. And when I did she threw a 'temper tantrum' for a while, laid out her guilt trips etc etc. But after a while, when she learned I wasn't reacting she eventually calmed down. We get together twice a month now, text a couple times during the week if something comes up. Works much better for me. We still don't see eye to eye on a lot of things (most things actually)--but the relationship is much healthier! I understand, these co-dependent relationships are tough to break. Several years ago I read a book, I think was called 'Co-dependent No More', or something close...was really helpful to me, you may want to check out amazon for that. All the best to you!
This is going to be hard for a while, but start setting boundaries now. There are consequences for falsely calling the police. If she's bluffing, then she's doing it because it works. If she's not bluffing, then let her see those consequences. Tell the people at the front desk that they are not to accept calls from your mother. Period. Set days and times that you will call. This will give her something to look forward to and take some of the uncertainty out of it. When you finish with one call say, “Okay, Mom, I'll talk to you on Wednesday” or whatever day works best for you. Keep these phone calls purely superficial. Don't talk to her about what your teachers say. Don't talk to her about advice your therapists give you. Don't talk to her about decisions you're making in your life. She has forfeited her privilege to know about these things. I also want you to give yourself 100% permission to ignore any advice or opinion that she has. Those are hers and hers alone. They don't have to be yours too. If you say something that you want to do and she gives you a twenty-minute lecture about how it's a Bad Idea, you say “Okay” and you do it anyway. If you're on the phone with her and she starts in on you, you make an excuse and you hang up. If she wants to talk to you, then she can do it on your terms.
Thank you everyone! It will definitely be hard, but I'll start applying (or work on applying) those points- all of which sound good. But because it's learned behaviour over, basically most of my life and things mindlessly fell into place (the patterns we formed, I mean). It's also difficult because she is/was a good mother in many ways and certainly sacrificed alot for me(which she's been pointing out more and more), so I'm having trouble with that guilt and am too easily emotionally swayed, I think becsuse I never grew past the mindset of 'mother-knows-best'. So, it will be alot of conditioning to get out of alot of mindsets like that and building healthy boundaries. Also, she keeps bringing this up(just now again)- I stopped going to a GP doctor because she was throwing more and more passive aggressive homophobic comments about me and had really misguided 'facts' she kept stringing into conversations. My mom keeps urging me to go back to the old one and said her attitude is no big deal. And she said I'm being phobic of straight people because I was searching for and asking around for lgbt friendly doctors. Since I have the resources to find lgbt friendly doctors in my area, I don't see what the big deal is to find one- it sucks having doctors assuming I'm straight all the time, and especially after this last one became homophobic after I had to tell her. My mom's acting like I don't like this doctor because she made comments about not liking my shoes or something.
Well, I would say she is a few few tacos short of a combination plate. You do need to stick to your guns so to speak. Find a metaphorical anchor and sink that thing in deep so you can hold fast. Every time you say "no" or tell her you have something under control is another little victory in your corner. And that is what you need to focus on, is the little victories cause they add up and make the bigger victories possible.
Okay, my mum will do some of this stuff - contradict everything with misguided opinions (once we even had an argument about whether ice or water was denser and she literally couldn't admit the obvious because she had to be right), make really sorta disgusting comments about how weird I act, her suspicions about my sexuality etc, always trying to police exactly what I do and then act like she's not doing that. Oh yeah and the guilt too occasionally. In terms of my sexuality, that means I lie to her every time she asks about it, not because I'm ashamed (I tell everyone else) but because she has proven to me every day that she does not deserve, and will not be receptive to that information. I will wait until it is absolutely necessary, or she just finds out - I'm not sneaking around, I just won't answer personal questions when they're asked with imbedded insult. Similarly with other things in my life - I used to tell her almost everything but no more. So yeah, don't tell her things she doesn't deserve to hear, and if you do have some real conversations, ignore her advice if necessary. But I feel really bad for you tbh because my mum, although I don't think she's a huge fan of therapy, would never try to downplay an experience of sexual assault, that's horrible, and definitely a sign that you need to be more than just slightly removed with her like I am... you need to really stop her in her tracks. Especially since she's threatening you with the police - that's really controlling and again, not something my mother would do, as much as she wants me to call her. For me, leaving home allowed me to ration her properly. I set the boundaries quick, but it seems your mother is gonna have to get the message the hard way. Let her call the police. I'm really sorry that it's coming to this with you and your mum - I hope it works out.
Thank you for all your replies! I think I figured out what's blocking me from applying that and standing my own ground. While I hate to ask this, and I'm having alot of trouble wording it- does anyone know how to get over needing your mother for emotional support and feeling that deep need for approval and rinning to her on autopilot? It's really deep and engrained in me to rely on her, and alot of this turmoil is my fault because I keep falling for it when she says she won't judge or won't make comments and I give in to that 'wanting my mom'. An example being, after the last incident of sexual harassment(and this is after other incidents of assault and abuse by doctors and on the street), I was crying on the phone to my mom and just wanted her, and after she said these things following all the other instances, I knew she was going to just say things like I said in an above post to dismiss it or tell me I misinterpreted, etc. She said she wouldn't do or say that this time and so I gave in and told her. And, surprise, she did EXACTLY that as usual! But it really is on me since I keep going to and relying on her because there are times I can't deal with things and just want a mom. I know that sounds very pathetic and baby-ish and I need to figure out how to get over that and don't know how. All of my past therapists have been silent/mulling over how to deal and don't know how to help with that, but I can't hold my own until I get over that need/impulse to rely on her. I can't believe no therapist i've been to has known how to deal with that, I'm not the first person with this kind of situation. I know that was incredibly wordy and rambling- I had alot of trouble figuring out how best to express and explain what I wanted to ask.
You say there are times when you "can't deal with things and just want a mom". Unfortunately, your mother is not that type of "mom" because she has her own issues and seems to be very controlling, so you need to just avoid thinking of her in a support role. I would suggest finding other people, multiple people, as alternative supports, but don't try to focus on one person because you might overwhelm them. Also, you probably need to work on your own self-confidence and ways of releasing your feelings in a positive yet independent way. Maybe you could try a creative outlet like writing, making art, or music, even if you are a complete beginner. You might even take a class or join a club/group with shared interests so you both make connections and also learn from less biased teachers/instructors (role models).
