Ok, so I need some help here. I had a therapy session and in it I am telling my therapist that I am unhappy in my marriage for a long time. I have said numerous times. My husband is a good person, provider, and father. I am just not emotionally of physically attracted to him. I know I am attracted to women and I want to be free to date women. My therapist says I am combining two separate issues, being unhappy in my marriage and being a lesbian. I don't know how you separate the two. The reason I want to leave my marriage is because I want to be with a woman, so how is it not related.
Huh...this seems very weird to me. They don't sound like a very good therapist to me. Have you asked her to elaborate? Or even told her that you don't know how to separate the two issues? If she continues to say stuff like this I would just find a better therapist.
Yeah I agree that may not have been the best thing to say to you. My therapist (who deals with LGBTQ issues and gay himself) did have me explore this in the beginning when I first started seeing him. He wanted me to really address reasons I'm unhappy in my marriage. I was surprised by how my concern of being gay was not the focus at all. Through several weeks of exploring possible reasons of being unhappy, I just kept coming back to, "no but I really think I'm gay". Once I admitted in therapy that I was pretty sure of this, the conversations have shifted to taking about and exploring my sexuality, assessing that yes this is indeed why I'm unhappy and I likely won't find it in my marriage. If you have come out to your therapist then that is odd of him/her to say. If it is in the beginning (sounds like it's not), then maybe they are trying to get you to explore other possibilities of being unhappy. As you said, it is likely impossible to separate the two issues and likely is the reason you are unhappy.
I have been in therapy for 4 years and it took me almost 3 1/2 to tell my therapist I was gay. I spent the first 3 1/2 giving her all sorts of reasons why I wasn't happy in my marriage, our age difference, lack of intamcy, nothing in common, we don't talk-she kept trying to help me work on my marriage. Finally I told her look there's this one more thing-I like women-I always have and I was using all these other things to try to justify why I wanted to leave without actually admitting it. Now I'm ok with my sexuality, I'm done hiding and I want to date women. So we've been discussing that for the last 6 months.
Wow, then yes I agree that is odd of her to say. Being lesbian would definitely be a reason on its own to be unhappy in a marriage. I would have her elaborate and let her know how you feel about that comment.
If you've been in therapy 4 years, and it took 3-1/2 to tell your therapist you were gay, I'd question how good the therapeutic relationship is. That's something you should be able to disclose, if you feel completely safe and trusting, within a few months... unless it was something you didn't know yourself. As for your therapist's interpretation... I concur with the others. There's no way those two aren't interrelated in a very deep way. I'd ask her for clarification, but I'd also be prepared to take her input with a grain of salt.
I don't agree with what your therapist is saying - and I have experienced the same thing. From two marriage counselors (but that I can understand bc they are essentially trying to keep the marriage going), and from two personal therapists. But I think what they were getting at is basically looking at the relationship as a separate thing unto itself - which is comprised of the unique nuances of the dynamic between you two. Your sexual orientation is a personal thing which doesn't have to be acted on. Like I said, I'm not buying it because denying your sexual orientation is not being true to yourself or your husband. And a healthy fulfilling sexual relationship should be part of a marriage.
So, in three and half years of telling your therapist that you have a unhappy marriage, with few common interests and a lack of intimacy, you never had the opportunity to disclose that you have feelings for women? Did she never ask? It's one of the first questions I would have put to you. If she is totally dismissing the link, I think you should consider working with someone else. You will not make progress with a therapist who cannot accept the inextricable connection between sexuality and emotion.
To play devil's advocate here I think she might just be trying to get you to look at things so you can really learn what you can from both situations. If you were straight, if you had no attraction to women would you still want to end your marriage? If so what is wrong with the relationship, and how can you keep from ending up in the same situation, only with a woman. And I'm sure she wants you to look at your attraction to women separately from all the emotion about your marriage so you don't second guess yourself later when that conflict dies down. But you know best. If you don't feel they are two separate issues, I would tell her that and ask her to explain your thinking.
I think you might benefit from seeing an LGBTQ trained therapist. It helps enormously to have a therapist who really understands the issues facing LGBTQ individuals. It doesn't sound like your therapist really gets your situation but I would say that it did actuallyhelp me to separate my marriage issues from my sexuality. I was running around in circles before I managed I do that. In the end I came back to the understanding that my marriage issues were largely caused or impacted by my sexuality and that as well, my sexuality was in itself a marital issue. But I needed to hone in solely on my sexuality for a while to really understand my needs. That's just my personal experience though, everyone is different, that may help you and it may not.
Have you told your husband you are a lesbian? Do you have some idea how he will react to this disclosure? Do you realize the ramifications and issues this disclosure would have on and create for your children? Do you understand that your husband may not want you dating same sex partners while remaining in a marriage to him? Do you understand the issues he may feel will be created on the children by both going through the divorce and then your becoming intimately involved with a same sex partner? If this and several other items have not yet been covered well, this is what the therapist is implying. However, many therapists see their work as a money making venture and have no problem letting you dangle in the dark feeding you mere tidbits of help while gladly pocketing your payment. If you ever get the feeling a therapist is dragging you along and not really getting to the meat and bones of the issue then is the time to consider another therapist. HTH
This was my thought. Plenty of straight people leave their spouses. Your lesbianism can't possibly be the only dynamic going on in your marriage, and if you are suggesting in therapy the way you seem to be here that it is I can totally see how a good therapist would want to get to the bottom of that. It seems to me like they are separate issues and warrant discussion as such.
I agree and disagree with this. There were definitely problems in my marriage not related to him being gay. However, the other issues were resolvable and the marriage would have been salvageable. We could not overcome his sexuality - I could not be what he needed and deserved in that place. So ultimately, for us, it came down to that. And because the other issues were resolvable, we have salvaged our relationship outside of our marriage.
I'd say she is really off base. Where are you at in terms of leaving your husband? Planning it? Stuck and paralyzed? I know you were worried about him taking too much money, right?
It depends what kind of therapist she is but maybe she wants to draw your attention to any relationship issues that you may have regardless of sexuality and that could arise even in a same sex partnership. Maybe she wants to work with you on how you relate as a person to another because any problematic patterns could be repeated with a woman. In any case it seems asking for clarification should be a good thing.
Everyone is bringing up excellent points. You all make my head spin. In the beginning I was not being honest with myself or my therapist. I was afraid of being judged for the things I said that were going on in my head. I was always laying hints out there about my sexuality, but when she asked me I didn't tell her the truth. At the time those feelings I had for women were repressed and in the abstract, something I never thought I would have the courage to explore. Then I had a aha moment when I realized I had fallen hard for my best friend. I have worked through the feelings I had for her, but it made me realize that I'll never be happy with my husband or any other man. As far as other problems in our marriage: Lack of intimacy-I am the one who has always been distant. I don't like holding his hand in public, I don't want to sit and cuddle, I don't enjoy sex with him. I tried in the beginning but it always felt manufactured, never genuine. Commmunication: I don't engage in conversation with him, I keep to myself. Quite honestly I'm not comfortable talking to him, he tells me how I should feel. Age difference - he's 15 years older than me and we really have nothing in common. Sometimes he treats me more like a child than a partner. Would I leave if it wasn't for my sexuality, no I don't think I would. My life is comfortable financially and I would just accept that my marriage is what it is. But, now I'm not afraid of the feelings I have for a woman and I don't think that they are wrong. It's something that I feel I have repressed throughout my life and I want the chance to explore those feelings. So is everything intertwined for me, I think it is. I will ask my therapist to clarify why she said what she did. I do think she is pulling from me telling her how unhappy I have been with him and the things I have said. I never made anything up, but I made those items I told her about more impactful in my marriage then they really were in my attempt to get her to tell me to leave (which I now realize she would never do). I need to make sure she understands how I really feel.
I feel stuck and paralyzed. I am planning on seeing a lawyer just to have an understanding of what will happen. I just haven't done it yet.
I understand where your coming from, sort of. It took my 3 months of therapy to come out to myself and an additional month to come out to my therapist. I personally am glad I did. She was amazing and came out to me as bisexual and told me her own exexperiences both of dating men as a bisexual woman and of being judged when she was with other women. She also has a lot of experience working with LGBT*Q+ people, specifically questioning youth. My advice, find an LGBT friendly or LGBT identified therapist. They will relate to you better.
