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All the emotions today.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NeonSocks, Jul 20, 2017.

  1. leb10

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    That's great news! Way to take another step forward even when they're difficult
     
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  2. NeonSocks

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    Thank you! I think I am going to keep an eye out for jobs out that way. It just feels right.
     
  3. Really

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  4. NeonSocks

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    @Really Awesome, thank you! I will have to give that podcast you mentioned a listen as well.
     
  5. NeonSocks

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    And the roller coaster called life continues... :slight_smile:

    Ok, so since we last vented I have seen my allergist and primary care doctor for issues related to asthma. They have both now suggested that I move to the south west because there is something environmental in the Midwest that is making me sick and will only continue to get worse. Stressor number one.

    My partner and I have also pretty much become roommates that talk to each other only in passing. There have been times when we have deep talks about everything but he keeps coming back to, "how can you not know if you are gay?" Stressor two.

    At least with him, I can understand where he is coming from and I feel like we both got the closure we needed a while ago. Staying together now just seems like a formality, but neither one of us is ready to be the one to leave.

    So with the internal dialogue that never stops in addition to the stress of life (very minimal in the grand scheme of things) I have decided it is finally time to seek professional help. I am going to begin working with a counselor and hopefully get my life sorted out.

    My question to you all, if it is not too personal to share, did you seek counseling? And if so did it help?
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    Aww Neonsocks, I can't answer your question but I can send you some hugs.
     
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  7. leb10

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    Hey socks - I did seek counseling because I was scared of how out of control things seemed. While it has helped, I'm not sure I feel any more stable? I'm still living day to day emotionally. But it is nice to have an LGBT counselor who understands the internal monologue we later in lifers feel. That is validating and right now, worth going for.
     
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  8. NeonSocks

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    Thank you and you have been an incredible support so thank you for that as well.
     
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  9. NeonSocks

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    Yeah it's that internal monologue that is just driving me insane. The constant what if I'm wrong? Or maybe this is all just extreme anxiety. I am glad to know it is helping you, even if there is still struggles.
     
  10. ShortButSweet

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    @NeonSocks I've only had one session so far but I'd say even that one hour was helpful. It gives you a safe environment to discuss very deep and personal things about yourself with someone that won't judge any of it and who will hopefully enable you to work through stuff. Even just saying things out load is therapeutic imo. I'd recommend it.
     
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  11. Moonsparkle

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    I am in therapy and it absolutely has helped. I've been with my therapist for three years now, and I see him about twice a month. And looking back I can truly see the progress I have made, in the way I think and view myself, and how I just generally interact in life. I really struggled with feelings of worthlessness. not feeling I had rights in life like other people. I thought the right to happiness, to assert myself, to have boundaries etc.--was 'off limits' to me. Therapy has made a real difference in these areas. It's a $30.00 copay each session, but I would say this is the most important money I spend every month. No harm in giving therapy a try, sounds like you are making great steps forward already, therapy could assist in getting through some of the more difficult bumps in the road!

    And I totally get the suddenly breaking down in tears at work. This has happened to me a few times too, where my eyes suddenly well up in tears because it's all just SOOO much. If someone suddenly pops into my office, sees my eyes all welled up and asks if I'm okay, I'm always like, 'oh yeah, I'm uh, just having some problems with my contacts...'

    I think my coworkers must think I have the most poorly fitting, irritating contact lenses ever. :slight_smile:
     
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  12. NeonSocks

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    This resonates with me in so many ways. I had some things happen in college that turned me into a walking ball of anxiety and most of the time I can get it under control. However, this new self awareness has really thrown me for a loop and there is just too much to wrap my head around. I start therapy next week and am hoping this will help get my life back in order.
     
  13. Searching1

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    I'm so sorry you're going through some hard times, @NeonSocks. Like I said in another thread, wow your situation parallels mine. I totally get the pain and how hard this all is. I found that it took us about 4-6 really bad weeks to get to a point of a new normal. That transitional period is hell while you both are trying to get a grasp on what is happening. I had extremely heightened anxiety and my brain was a ping pong ball of thoughts. Write, go to therapy, breathe, and try your hardest to be in the present moment. Try and keep the dialogue open with your husband. I also got the comments of "how can you not know you are gay". They are trying to figure things out and cope with the loss of control.

    Write on my wall anytime. Sending hugs your way! ❤️
     
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  14. NeonSocks

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    I went to my first therapy session tonight and thank goodness this woman gets it!

    Full disclosure I have been in therapy twice before, both times going against my will and only because friends were concerned for my well being. In both cases I went through the motions and got out as fast as I could with out ever truly healing. I am a survivor of sexual assault and have PTSD so recognizing that I need help is a big step. The only reason I mention this is because I want to be completely honest about my journey.

    So any way back to therapy. Today was just the get to know you session, but man it just felt like a huge weight was lifted being able to talk to someone. She mentioned a few things that really started to put things in perspective as well that I wanted to share:

    1.- are you not allowing yourself to accept your true happiness because you feel like you are happy now and don't deserve total fulfillment?

    2.- do you feel like ending your relationship means you failed yourself?

    3.- you may never have an answer to what exactly brought you to this moment of self awareness, but think of it as your mind finally allowing you the headspace for those feelings that needed to be recognized to come through.

    She advised me to start keeping a journal (something I have not done since college) so I think that will be my next step.

    On we go.
     
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  15. Searching1

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    I'm so glad you enjoyed your first therapy session! That all sounds like great advice ..it is helpful for me to read that too. Yes, a journal has helped me tremendously and had let me get further than just therapy alone. I look forward to hearing how it continues for you!
     
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  16. Imjustjulien

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    Hug yourself often....you're wonderful...!!!!
     
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  17. Moonsparkle

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    I'm so glad this first session went so well! Those are great points your therapist gave you to think about, and I'm thinking about them too actually! (And I especially love number 3). I think a lot therapy is about exactly this, being able to look at things from different perspectives and with different understanding. And for this to help us go forward in a healthier way.

    Journaling helps a lot. I started keeping a diary in Jr. High, and never really stopped. I certainly don't write everyday, or even every week. And it can't be something that you feel forced to do or that is just another responsibility. But when something is weighing on you it's great to just write out your thoughts. Can be two lines or 10 pages. I do notice that when I am really struggling is when I write most. AND the larger I am writing and the harder I am pressing down on the paper sort of indicates how much I am struggling with something! There are all kinds of beautiful journals you can use, but I just use dollar store spiral notebooks.


    I think this says a lot. This time you are doing therapy FOR you! This seems to be the first step in therapy being effective. Going into therapy because our friends or anyone else wants us to won't work. (Though I got 'sent' to therapy in much the same way when I was much younger--never worked, I wasn't ready to be open to it!)

    Thanks for updating and glad you found a therapist who 'gets it'! :slight_smile:
     
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  18. NeonSocks

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    Yeah, this was one thing I was really worried about. I live in a very conservative area in a very conservative state. The majority of therapists here employ a faith based approach to emotional healing and that is not something I am on board with.

    She made a point to mention before the session started that she that is not her style so if that was something I needed she could refer me elsewhere.

    I clicked instantly with her could kick myself for waiting so long to seek this out.
     
  19. NeonSocks

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    I am heading home tomorrow for the holiday weekend and man I don't think I have been this torn about seeing my family in a long long time. I am used to being the odd one in the family. The one that didn't look like everyone else, the one that left town and the state as soon as I possibly could while everyone else stayed, the one that just never quite fit in. I am fine with that. It is just who we are. But now so much has changed since I last saw them. So much that will make me ever more the odd one out...

    My family is a very tight nit group and even the extended family gets along and spends time together on a regular basis. I don't get home very often, so when I do it is always a whirlwind of activity. So many people to see while still trying to carve out time for my sister and my parents. My concern is twofold. One that my parents and sister will immediately sense that something is off with me and begin asking questions I am not ready to answer and two that I will leave without getting a chance to tell them the things they deserve to hear.

    I know they already have their suspicions that something is up. My dad (who is not technically inclined by any means) has been texting me after my mom goes to bed in the hopes that I will open up to him. My sister has also noticed that I talk less about my partner and "our life" and more about the weather of all things with the random "Golden Girls" quote battle thrown in.

    My mom has been texting me all week. Planning out meals for my visit, asking what snacks I would like, even giving me updates about the dog and how excited she is for my visit. And I am just left feeling guilty by all of this.

    I am excited to see them and very ready for a vacation, but in my current emotional state I just feel like there is also a huge weight that will be dragged along with me. How do I tell them that I think my relationship is falling apart? How do I even begin to tell them the reasons why? Should I even go into it with them or do I wait until I know for certain which way we are going to fall?

    I want so badly to share this part of my life with them, but at the same time I just am not sure I am ready too.
     
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  20. Really

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    Could you suggest they set aside some quiet time on the second to last day of your visit just for the immediate family? When you can have some quality time together separate from the whirlwind of anything else that happens? Maybe by then you'll be ready to talk about some of your stuff and if they've been itching to ask anything, they'll save it for then? You don't, of course, have to say anything but at least you won't be worrying about any impending interrogation until then.

    Just a thought. :}